SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

October 25, 2009 at 8:47 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the redneck gal say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time..’
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh i it…’

Why is there no Disneyland in the Philippines?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

THE NEWS

Top bands don’t like their music being used as torture! “A coalition of musicians including Pearl Jam and R. E. M. backed a formal demand yesterday to be told if their songs had been used to torture detainees in Guantánamo Bay and Iraq. There have been many allegations by former prisoners that they were blasted with excruciatingly loud music for months on end — a tactic that is banned under the UN Convention Against Torture but not yet from the US Army Field Manual. The musicians spoke out as a freedom of information request was lodged by the US campaign group No More Guantánamos, a legal move backed by the British human rights group Reprieve, which has been campaigning against “music torture” for more than a year. According to evidence gained by human rights organisations, the list of music used included songs ranging from the death metal band Deicide’s F*** Your God to the song most frequently blasted at inmates, I Love You by Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the children’s TV character. Former detainees have said that the tactic was one of the worst and most painful used against them.” [Milquetoast stuff. Now if they had used contemporary classical music, that would have been REAL torture!]

US Navy launches a ship to shore up defences: “THIS is the pointy end of the US Navy as it moves to counter enemies that attack with smaller and faster craft. The littoral combat ship Independence topped 80km/h in a series of trials in the Gulf of Mexico. The navy says the LCS is a fast, agile platform for near-shore environments that is capable of open-ocean operation. It is designed to defeat threats such as mines, quiet diesel submarines and fast surface craft.”

Flying wheel kills man in ‘freakish’ freeway collision: “A car dealer helping a broken-down customer died when he was struck by a flying truck wheel in a “freakish” accident west of Melbourne this afternoon. The Mercedes Benz salesman, who was trying to help a customer, was at the side of the Princes Freeway at Altona Meadows when he was hit by a wheel that flew from a passing truck. The accident happened about 1.40pm after three women in a new Mercedes car experienced trouble. They contacted the dealership, which sent a mechanic and salesman to help, police said. The men pushed the luxury car to the side of the freeway and called a tow truck. But as the dealer was returning to his own car, a truck hauling an excavator on a flatbed trailer passed and a loose wheel – weighing 25-30 kilograms – flew off the trailer and struck the man. Sergeant Mark Amos, from Brunswick major collision investigations unit, said the “freakish” accident was apparently caused by loose wheel nuts. He said it was not clear yet if charges would be laid. The truck driver had stopped at the scene. “To be in the exact spot where a wheel is going to land, you’ve got to be very, very unfortunate, very unfortunate,’’ he said.”

Welcome to All Saints Church… on the 21st floor an Osaka hotel: “It is a striking but typically English church. Typical, except for the fact that it sits on the 21st floor of a skyscraper in the Japanese city of Osaka. Couples who have married at All Saints in the Herefordshire village of Brockhampton would find the interior curiously familiar, too. The Japanese developers who created the sky-high chapel have made a perfect copy of the pointed-arched interior of the parish church, even down to the pews. The Grade I listed building near Ross-on-Wye, one of the most important Arts and Crafts churches in Britain, was re-created as a Japanese wedding chapel after a party of tourists saw it during a sightseeing tour. The copy occupies two floors of the English-themed Monterey Grasmere Hotel to meet the demand for “English-style” wedding ceremonies. It has been fully booked since it opened in July despite costing £8,000 to hire — compared with £400 for the real one. The Rev Will Pridie, vicar of the original All Saints, said: “The attention to detail is quite staggering. Even the slightest imperfections and marks on the stonework have been reproduced. The stained-glass windows are all exactly the same and they’ve even built a scaled-down bell tower with a bell, which is rung on wedding days.”

Man arrested for making coffee in own home while naked: “Eric Williamson, from Springfield, Virginia, was brewing coffee in his kitchen when a woman and a seven-year-old boy walked past the window and saw him. Williamson, 29, insisted he did nothing wrong and that any exposure of his private parts were accidental. “Yes I wasn’t wearing any clothes but I was alone, in my own home and just got out of bed. It was dark and I had no idea anyone was outside looking in at me,” he said. Williamson, who has a five-year-old daughter, added: “I am a loving dad. Any of my friends and anyone knows that and there is not a chance on this planet I would ever, ever, ever do anything like that to a kid. “I never had a conversation with anyone, never saw anyone. Didn’t cross my mind, came and got coffee. I mean if I stood and seemed comfortable in my kitchen possibly it’s natural. It’s my kitchen,” he insisted. A spokesman for Fairfax county police, Mary Ann Jennings, said Williamson was arrested because officers believed he wanted to be seen naked by the public. The 29-year-old faces up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine if he is convicted. He is fighting the charge and seeking damages from police.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.