Wicked Thoughts

Cat ethics

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

British Royal train now run by Germans: “The man dubbed Mr Royal Train after playing a key role in helping it to run smoothly for more than 30 years has been made redundant after a German company took over its maintenance…. during a meeting with a manager from DB Schenker – the firm which helped take German soldiers to the front in the First World War – friends say Mr Hillyard was ‘shocked’ to be told that he was being made redundant. He left in July after working out his notice period…. two years ago, his then employers, Rail Care, lost the contract for maintenance of the train to DB Schenker, a giant rail freight operator which already ran the train’s day-to-day operations.”

Australian nurses told not to flirt: “Nurses have been banned from flirting with patients under a new set of professional-ethics guidelines introduced to hospitals. Also forbidden under the code are sexual innuendo, “off-colour” jokes and using offensive language. The guidelines, which carry disciplinary measures, were drawn up by the newly created Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency and have been issued to all nursing staff. Nurses have been warned that discussing personal problems, feelings of sexual attraction or aspects of their personal life with patients could be interpreted as sexual violations. The rules state sexual misconduct is an “extremely serious violation of the nurse’s professional responsibility to the person in their care”, and could result in dismissal.”

Snorkeller saves woman from white death: “A snokeller has been hailed a hero after he pulled the tail of a great white shark that was attacking a young woman. Rescuers said he had undoubtedly saved Elyse Frankcom, 19, from fatal injuries. Ms Frankcom had been leading a swim-with-the-dolphins tour south of Perth when the 3m shark bit into her hip and left buttock. Frank Pisani, senior skipper for Fremantle Sea Rescue, said that the shark attack could have been fatal if not for the quick thinking of one of Ms Frankcom’s tour group. “As the shark bit her, it brushed aside a fairly large male who grabbed hold of the tail of the shark, which then made it let go,” Mr Pisani said. “The girl then started to sink to the bottom and he grabbed her and brought her to the surface and got her back on board the boat.”

Fake hotel reviewers on TripAdvisor to be punished: “Hundreds of hotels and restaurants are preparing to name and shame fake reviewers on user-generated travel websites like TripAdvisor. A list of thousands of reviewers suspected of false and defamatory posts is due to be published by UK-based online reputation management company Kwikchex, who will act on behalf of 800 hotels and restaurants. Those on the list will be given two weeks to provide evidence of their stay or to support their comments on review sites such as TripAdvisor. If they can’t they could face legal action.”

Steady as she goes! The moment £1bn cruise liner squeezes under bridge… with just ‘1.5 inches’ to spare: “It required a steady hand… and nerves of steel. Fortunately for the captain, the world’s newest superliner squeezed under this Danish bridge with ease, even though there was just an inch-and-a-half margin of error. The Allure of the Seas – which cost a staggering £1billion ($1.5bn) – measures around four football fields and accommodates 8,300 people including crew members. Hans Nilsen, an official at the Korsoer Naval Station, said the passage at 2.20pm went well after the Allure had lowered its telescopic smokestacks. He said there was about 20in (50cm) clearance between the bridge and the top of the ship – but swell and weather conditions brought that margin of error down to 1.5in (4cm). Any sudden movement and it would have been a very different story.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood! up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? ”

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched! as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the cable company guy wants to buy Mom …..’

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

How two spoonfuls of caffeine killed a man: “A British man died after poisoning himself with two spoonfuls of caffeine powder bought over the internet. Michael Lee Bedford, 23, from Mansfield, central England, was at a party in April when he swallowed caffeine powder that a friend bought online for £3.29 ($5.50), Nottingham Coroner’s Court was told. He washed the powder down with an energy drink, and around 15 minutes later began sweating and vomiting blood. He later died in hospital, The Nottingham Post reported. The court was told that Mr Bedford ignored the product’s recommendation to take no more than one sixteenth of a teaspoon and instead took two spoonfuls of the powder – ingesting a level of caffeine 70 times more than is usually found in a high-energy drink.”

Elephant’s lucky escape from crocodile: “It looks like the perfect illustration for the tale of how the elephant got its trunk. Sadly for this youngster, however, this was no scene from Kipling’s Just So Stories but all-too-painful reality. Under the watchful eye of its family, the baby elephant had gone to the edge of an African waterhole for a drink. Unfortunately, the leafy pond was perfect camouflage for a hungry crocodile, which clamped its teeth on to the end of its surprised victim’s trunk and began a tug-of-war. Hearing the baby’s calls of distress, the herd of elephants immediately went to its rescue, scaring off the crocodile by trumpeting and stamping the ground. After the attack the herd stayed with the youngster. When the baby had recovered the herd crossed the waterhole together in safety, only yards from where the crocodile had been hiding.”

Girl cyclist, 5, CAN be sued for negligence after colliding with pensioner who died three weeks later: “A girl aged five who was on her bike with stabilisers when she knocked down a pensioner can be sued for negligence, a Supreme Court Justice has ruled. According to the lawsuit, Juliet Breitman and a male friend were racing their bikes along East 52nd Street in Manhattan when they collided with 87-year-old Claire Menagh. The pensioner was knocked to the ground ‘seriously and severely injured’ and suffered a fractured hip which required surgery. She died three weeks later. Her estate sued the children and their mothers, claiming they had acted negligently during the accident.”

Frenchman locked up in jail for sending ‘cheeky’ sex email to female politician: “A Frenchman was locked in a police cell for two days and is now facing court over a lewd joke email sent to the country’s former justice minister Rachida Dati. The man allegedly contacted the MEP at the European Parliament in Strasbourg last week and asked her if he could have ‘an inflation’. It followed Miss Dati’s recent widely reported slip in which she mixed up a word for a sex act [fellation] with ‘inflation’ – the two sound similar in French – during a radio interview. Police raided the home of the 40-year-old man, in Bourg-de-Péage, south east France, after he was traced by his computer’s IP address. The machine was seized and he was held for 48 hours, his lawyer said.”

Lifetime cure for Lefties: “Scientists have given mankind many blessings, but the discovery of the gene for Left-wing behaviour must be foremost among them. For now there is a diagnosis, there can be a cure. Just think of it – a quick screening of the unborn infant, a mild course of gene therapy, and hey presto! The disease can be eradicated within a generation. The gene does not automatically make the carrier a Lefty; rather, it triggers the adolescent brain’s reward mechanism in the presence of novel experiences and viewpoints. The treatment is simple: lock teenage sufferers in a drab room, furnished with the works of Hayek and Friedman. True, their social skills will be somewhat stunted. But the benefits will last a lifetime.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Devoted mother

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Lucky escape when car lands on man’s bed: “A Melbourne man is counting his luck after a car smashed into his bedroom. An out-of-control car hit a median strip nearby, became airborne and plowed through a wooden fence before crashing through the front bedroom wall of Dimitrios Bisbelas’ home around 2am this morning. The 31-year-old said he was lucky to be alive and was glad he hadn’t been in bed at the time. Mr Bisbelas had been in bed, but went back to his computer for about 20 minutes to finish some work and was just about to return to bed when the car crashed. He said had he stayed in bed he would probably be dead. “I’m very lucky because the bed was completely destroyed,” he said. He said the two men in the car, both aged 52, were injured.”

Fantasist leaves New Zealand military red-faced: “New Zealand’s military admitted it was “seriously embarrassed” after an inquiry revealed it granted high security clearance to a scientist who lived in an elaborate fantasy world. The head of the Defence Technology Agency Stephen Wilce quit last month after it was revealed he falsely claimed to be an ex-Marine combat veteran and an Olympic bobsledder who raced against Jamaica’s Cool Runnings team. Mr Wilce claimed to be a helicopter pilot who served with Prince Andrew, a spy with British intelligence and a special forces soldier who was on an IRA death list. Among numerous other fabrications, he also said he had been a member of the Welsh rugby union team, captain of the Royal Navy swimming team and a guitarist on the British folk music circuit.”

Rusty old ‘bedstead on wheels’ set to fetch £26,000 at auction (but it needs a little work): “What looks like an old bedstead on wheels is set to sell for an astonishing an astonishing £26,000 after it emerged it is actually the chassis of a 1900 De Dion Bouton Vis-a-Vis that has been rusting away for decades. The piece of motoring history has been owned by the same family since at least 1921 and was found the garage of their home in an unnamed Kent village. Car enthusiasts love a restoration project so much that there is great demand for the rather pathetic-looking piece of metal with two bent wheel frames hanging from it. The four-seater French-made Vis-a-Vis vehicle was so named because the seats were made facing each other. There was no steering wheel, but a tiller system instead, and the 3.5 horse power engine could produce speeds of anything up to 25mph.”

Worlds’s largest mouth is in Africa: “A man who can fit a whole can of soft drink in his mouth sideways has been recognised as having a world-record sized kisser. Francisco Domingo Joaquim’s 16.99cm wide rubbery yap has earned him the bizarre title of the ‘World’s Widest Mouth’ by the Guinness Book of World Records. The 20-year-old, who is also known as the Angolan Jaw of Awe, put his elastic kisser to the test at the the ‘Big Mouth’ competition in Rome this month. Contestants crammed their cake holes with a whole host of items including saucers, coffee cups and beer bottles but nobody’s mouth could beat Francisco and his can of coke. He even performed on an Italian TV show, popping a can in and out of his mouth 14 times in one minute.”

Roadkill BBQ: “Dead pheasant, hare and even badger are bagged and loaded into cars and taken back to Bournemouth University in England before being cooked. As part of their degree, students skin the carcasses and are taught about butchering techniques from different periods in history, the Daily Mail reports. But a staff member who’s worked at the uni for 10 years but wanted to remain anonymous said the roadkill meat was also some of the best he’d ever tasted. “The group would find all sorts of animals at the side of the road. They were used for class demonstrations to show how butchering methods have developed throughout history,” he said. “But after the lesson we’d be left with piles of meat so we’d have a barbecue. There would be staff as well as students involved in it we didn’t do it every time, but why let it go to waste? Students even revealed the sweetness of the meat left them scrambling to find more roadkill in their spare time.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

AIDS WARNING FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL, FINANCIAL AID TO THEIR CHILDREN!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Tattooist charged over 16″ penis tattoo on man’s back: “A 21-year-old man has been charged by police in Ipswich for allegedly tattooing a penis on a man’s back – instead of the image he had requested. The 25-year-old victim had been visiting the man, a professional tattooist, at his home in Bundamba last Wednesday when he was talked into getting a tattoo. He wanted a yin and yang symbol with some dragons, but was instead shocked to discover the 40cm tattoo was of a penis with an obscene slogan. He now faces considerable cost to have the image removed. Police said the tattooing followed an argument between the men, during which the professional tattooist allegedly took offence at something the other man said. The 21-year-old is due to appear in Ipswich Magistrates Court on November 15 charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm and one charge relating to the Public Safety Act.” [Tats are for losers anyway]

China unveils fastest train in world: “China has revealed its latest high speed rail line, which allows trains to reach 262mph. The CRH380 train uses domestic technology and has been clocked reaching almost 262mph, a world record – athough it will usually operate at a maximum speed of 220mph. The 126-mile journey between Hangzhou and Shanghai’s western suburb of Hongqiao will take the new bullet trains only 45 minutes to complete. China is aiming to have 10,000 miles of high speed rail in operation by 2012.”

Refund after ‘horror’ flight next to obese woman: “An airline has given a woman a full flight refund and promised to overhaul staff training after she was forced to sit next to an overweight passenger who spilled into half of her seat. Janet Ogilvie said she was faced with the awkward situation on a Porter Airlines flight from Halifax, Canada to Ottawa on September 5 this year. Ms Ogilvie said she went to her seat to find an obese woman, who was assigned to a window seat, spilling over into half of her aisle seat, the Ottawa Citizen reports. With no other empty seats available, Ms Ogilvie wedged herself into the 25 centimetres that were left of her seat for the one hour and forty-five minute trip. She said she was essentially sitting on her right hip the entire journey.”

Britain has a new most popular name for baby boys: “Mohammed was the most popular name for newborn baby boys in England and Wales in 2009, according to official data released yesterday. But 12 different spellings of the name, each listed separately, meant that Oliver officially topped poll. The name, given to 7364 children, ended Jack’s 14-year reign at number one, with Harry, Alfie and Joshua rounding out the top five in the figures published by the Office for National Statistics. The two most common spellings of the Muslim name came in at 16th and 36th place, a total of 7549 baby boys, making it the most popular name overall. The most common spelling, Mohammed, was the number one name in its own right in the West Midlands region of central England which includes the city of Birmingham, and number four in London.”

70 mpg, without a hybrid: “Next year, Mazda will sell a car in Japan that gets 70.5 miles per gallon (mpg), or 30 kilometers per liter. The fuel economy rating won’t be nearly this good in the United States because of differing requirements, but even so, the car will likely use about as little fuel as a hybrid such as the Toyota Prius — without that car’s added costs for its electric motor and batteries. The Mazda, a subcompact called the Demio in Japan and the Mazda 2 elsewhere, will include a package of changes that improves fuel economy by about 30 percent over the current model.”

Helpful footnote for non-American readers: “ROLL AIDS” above are actually “Rolaids”, an antacid candy used to combat indigestion. The equivalent British and Australian products are Rennies and Quikeze

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

As judged by a British panel

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2. “I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. “Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag “I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says “How do you drive this thing?”

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40. I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club…

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.

Original story here

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Time traveller? “An Irish independent filmmaker has gone public with what he says is footage of a time traveller caught walking through a scene on a recent DVD release of Charlie Chaplin’s 1928 film, The Circus. The scene can be found in the extras menu in Documents, under The Hollywood Premiere. It’s not in the movie – it’s real footage and it features real members of the public in 1928. Or does it, asks Mr Clarke, who spotted a mysteriously dressed stranger walking past the camera talking into what he says can only be a mobile phone. “The only conclusion I can come to – which sounds absolutely ridiculous I’m sure, to some people – is it’s a time traveller,” he says. “When you’re looking at a bit of 1928 footage with an old woman … on a mobile phone, it’s kind of strange. You can’t explain it.”

New Zealanders rally in defense of The Hobbit: “The battle for Middle Earth spread to the real world today, with hordes of New Zealanders taking to the streets to protest possible plans to move production of Peter Jackson’s upcoming movie The Hobbit overseas. Thousands of demonstrators — some of whom were dressed as Bilbo Baggins and other characters from J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy series — marched through the cities of Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch with the aim of reassuring Hollywood executives that it was safe to film the Lord of the Rings prequel in their country. Although the island nation’s rugged and breathtaking landscape proved the perfect backdrop for the Rings trilogy, New Line Cinema, a subsidiary of Warner Brothers, announced on Friday that it was considering filming outside New Zealand after acting unions threatened to strike over wages and working conditions.”

Spanish prostitutes ordered to wear reflective vests: “Prostitutes working on the street outside a town northern Spain have been ordered to wear reflective vests to make them visible to passing traffic and reduce the risk of accidents. Women touting for customers on a rural highway outside Els Alamus near Lleida in Catalonia have been told to don the yellow fluorescent bibs or pay fines of 40 euros (£36) under road traffic laws. Police claim the sex workers on the LL-11 road are not being specifically targeted because of what they do but because they posed a danger to drivers. The prostitutes are in breach of 2004 law which states pedestrians on major highways and hard shoulders must wear the high visibility garments.”

British robber snared after taking off his mask too soon: “A bungling British robber was jailed for five years on Tuesday after he removed his mask a second too early during an armed raid. Lorenzo Mason, 21, hid his face with a scarf as he burst into a bookmakers in Manchester, northwestern England, and pointed a gun at a female cashier, Sky News reports. But the complacent crook slipped it off as soon as he left the store – unaware he was passing right under a security camera. The bungling raider’s photo was circulated via the local media and Mason was recognised by his own mother, who convinced him to turn himself in. He was jailed at Manchester Crown Court Tuesday after pleading guilty to the June 30 armed robbery.”

Couple find a buffalo in their swimming pool: “A North Georgia man said he and his wife found a neighbour’s buffalo in their swimming pool. Chris Nonnemaker said he and his wife noticed two holes in the pool’s cover and went outside to take a look yesterday morning in White County. Mr Nonnemaker said they noticed something moving. When he pulled the pool cover back, Mr Nonnemaker saw a buffalo that had escaped from a neighbour’s home. Mr Nonnemaker called police and videotaped the animal’s rescue, which involved ropes to help coax the buffalo out near the shallow end. Deputies said the buffalo belonged to a neighbour and escaped with two others weeks ago. They said those two were caught shortly after they got away. The owners of the buffalo that was in the pool decided to put the animal down.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . And think 25 to life would be appropriate. –Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. –Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. –Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. –Jay Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. –David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! –Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. –Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. –David Letterman

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Women stressing men out: “You might have thought paying the mortgage and household bills would be the biggest worry for men. But it seems most have a longer-term nightmare… the prospect of their partner growing up to look like her mother. More than one in ten fear their better half will turn into her mum, a survey has found. They also worry about being forever single and chatting up women out of their league, the study of 2,000 men revealed. A spokesman for Foster’s beer, which conducted the research, said: ‘The evidence shows that British blokes are spending far too much time stressing about women. ‘We want to encourage them to instead take a more laid-back approach and live life for the moment.'”

Women are the real puzzle fanatics: “Given men’s reputation as the competitive sex, it’s a verdict that is puzzling to say the least. When it comes to crosswords and Sudokus, it’s actually women that tend to take them seriously, research shows. Women were four times more likely than men to admit to being compulsive puzzle players obsessed only with winning, the study found. On the other hand, more men than women said their motivation for completing puzzles was to keep themselves intellectually sharp. The study questioned 598 people, with equal numbers of men and women, on their puzzle habits. Just 7 percent would admit to being “Compulsive” players who described themselves as having a deeply competitive streak and being obsessed with winning. Of those, 81 percent were female, implying that women are more likely to mean business when it comes to puzzle-playing.”

Forget the seven-year itch – a marriage goes stale after ten years and 11 months: “Couples may feel relieved to make it past the ‘seven-year itch’ without marital strife. But it seems their problems may only just be starting. Married couples begin to grow bored with each other after ten years and 11 months, according to researchers. Their survey suggests that after a decade of marriage the romance has often died and partners have become fed up with their daily routine. A quarter of those questioned said their marriage has lost its sparkle because they no longer bother going out together or make romantic gestures. The study of 3,000 married people shows six in ten often feel they need to be reminded why they married their partner in the first place.”

Rare diamond set to fetch record price: “Like the Pink Panther, the fabled diamond in the Inspector Clouseau films, this gem bedazzles all who see it. But if you want to own the exceptionally rare pink stone, you’ll need deep pockets – it is expected to go for a world record breaking £24million when it is auctioned next month. Hailed as one of the greatest diamonds ever discovered and weighing almost 25 carats, it was formerly owned by the late Harry Winston, the U.S. jeweller to the stars. For the past 60 years it has been in a private collection. Despite the prohibitive price tag, there have been several inquiries already from those eager to add it to their collections.

Rock singer really is a Neaderthal: “He claims his “superhuman genes” have kept him healthy despite a lifetime of rock excess. And now it seems science may back up Ozzy Osbourne’s theory that he has a hardy family tree. Researchers studying his DNA have found that the singer is the descendant of a Neanderthal man. The 61-year-old hellraiser, who has survived years of drug abuse and alcohol addiction, joked that news of his Neanderthal heritage would not come “as much of a surprise” to his wife Sharon or to police departments around the world. He famously bit the head off a bat while drunk on stage, and broke his neck in a quad bike accident in 2003. Scientists took a sample of the singer’s blood at his home in Buckinghamshire and sent it to a lab in the US. Using a state-of-the-art test, they were able to unlock his genetic code, or genome.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Odd tourist complaints

It seems that there is no end to the things holidaymakers will whine about these days, if reports from travel companies are any indication.

Australian travel website travel.com.au has revealed some hilarious complaints including a lack of kangaroos hopping around Sydney city and that there were too many tourists in Europe during the summer and not enough people speaking English.

Others were disappointed that it was too cold to ski in Japan during winter, and that Singapore was too hot and lacked fresh air.

Another traveller was frustrated to find herself surrounded by children while relaxing in Fiji during the school holidays – despite bringing her own kids.

Frustration turned to fury for one visitor after finding out their Gucci handbag, purchased for $20 at the markets in China, was not real.

Even Greece’s beaches couldn’t satisfy fussy travellers, with a complaint received about the fact it had stones instead of sand [See below].

Other complaints were surprising – who would whine about their airline seat being too comfortable? Apparently the Emirates’ seat kept putting one traveller to sleep when they wanted to stay awake during the whole flight.

Adding to the list of funny complaints, last year Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents revealed the most bizarre complaints by British tourists.

The travellers whined that “the beach was too sandy” and were outraged to spot fish swimming in the sea. “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled,” the tourist said.

In another complaint a British guest at a Novotel hotel in Australia said his soup was too thick and strong, not realising he had been sipping from the gravy boat.

In an even stranger twist, one traveller blamed a hotel for her pregnancy.

Other complaints included that “there are too many Spanish people in Spain” and “too much curry served in restaurants in India”.

And the comedy doesn’t end there – hotels not only hear many strange complaints but also receive some equally gob-smacking requests from guests.

UK hotel chain Best Western has revealed a bizarre list of demands that include a chaperone for a group of sex addicts, a menu consisting entirely of blue food and beds for dogs.

Closer to home, lastminute.com.au previously shared some hilarious and twisted requests from guests.

One traveller fed-up with the miserable weather asked if hotel staff could arrange for the rain to stop.

Another tried desperately to block out the sunlight in their room, with staff forced to tape up the windows in order to stop the light shining through.

Another traveller wanted to move rooms as he insisted the air conditioner was making strange noises, only to eventually discover the sounds was coming from an electric toothbrush in his own suitcase.

Other strange requests include guests asking hotel staff if they can borrow their shoes, drive them to the shops, use their cars and even marry their daughters.

Original story here

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Kama Sutra gets modern makeover: “The Kama Sutra is getting a modern makeover, with the new edition set to be more of a lifestyle guide to love and relationships than a “pornographic sex book”. The erotic drawings and sexual illustrations that have accompanied various translations of the ancient Hindu text are gone from the new Kama Sutra published by Penguin, Britain’s Sunday Telegraph reports. Instead, the Kama Sutra will be a text-only, pocket-sized classy manual presented as a “lifestyle guide for the modern man and woman”. “Until now the Kama Sutra has always been presented as a scandalous, ’60s, hippie-influenced pornographic sex book,” said Alexis Kirschbaum, the editorial director at Penguin Books. “But it was originally written as advice to a courtly gentleman on how to live a well-rounded life, not just a passionate life.”

Berliners strip in protest at city’s high rents: “The movement is sending shock waves through the normally orderly world of Berlin estate agents: when they show off apartments for rent, their presumed tenants strip off and prance around wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse masks to hide their identities. The protesters, who paint their naked bodies with slogans such as “too expensive” and “rip off”, pose as ordinary would-be tenants and queue up to “view” expensive apartments to let. Once inside they strip off and dance around to blaring music pumped through loudspeakers while being filmed. In most cases they manage to flee before the police arrive. Their demonstrations have so far been confined to the Berlin inner-city districts of Kreuzberg and Freidrichshain. Both districts are being gentrified after providing cheap flats for immigrants and students for more than two decades.”

British homeowner outraged after the property he paid £84,000 for is valued – at just one pound ($1.50): “A homeowner was devastated when a building society [thrift] refused to give him a mortgage – and valued his house at just £1. Paul Rooney, 42, spent £10,000 on a new kitchen and conservatory after he bought the two-bedroom Victorian end-of-terrace for £86,000 in early 2007. But the businessman was stunned when he applied for a mortgage on the property with Nationwide and valuation officers who visited the house gave it a meager £1 price tag. Property experts claimed that £1 valuation was a sign of the mortgage lenders’ nervousness about the state of the housing market.”

English wines? “English wine growers are celebrating a bumper harvest – and the promise of one of the best vintages in a decade. Weather conditions over the past nine months have been ‘close to perfect’ for most vineyards, with a hard winter, mild spring and hot June combining to produce a tasty grape crop. Some vineyards say 2010 wines, which will be sold from the spring, are on course to be the best yet. The good harvest will add even more credibility to English growers, who have picked up top awards for white and sparkling wine in recent years. England produces around three million bottles of wine each year. Chardonnay is the most commonly grown grape.”

Seven-year-old’s Nintendo helps rescue Australian family: “Christopher Miszkowiec’s mother used to nag her son to stop playing his Nintendo DS, but she would never dream of taking it away from him now. The Miszkowiec family had been driving late at night on a country road near Heathcote, central Victoria, when they hit a kangaroo, crashed and rolled several times into bushland. While father Wayne fought to get out of the car and free six-month-old baby Joseph, Christopher unbuckled his own seatbelt and five-year-old brother Dilon’s seatbelt, helping him from the car. Then, using the light from his DS screen to see in the pitch black darkness, he went to help his mother and freed her from her seat, where she had fallen unconscious during the impact.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Why wine beats water

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

11 jump from window fearing ‘devil’: “Eleven people were injured when they jumped out of a second-storey window near Paris early on Saturday, thinking a naked man tending his crying baby in the night was the devil, the local prosecutor said. “Thirteen people were in an apartment on the second floor when, around 3am, one of the occupants heard his child crying,” the deputy prosecutor in Versailles, Odile Faivre, said. “The man in question of African origin, who was completely naked, got up to feed his child, at which point the other occupants took him for the devil,” Ms Faivre said. “He was seriously wounded in the hand after being stabbed with a knife before he was thrown out of the apartment, via the door.” The naked man then tried to get back into the flat in the town of La Verriere west of Paris, population 6000. “That’s when the other occupants tried to escape by jumping out of the window, panicked by a fear of the devil,” Ms Faivre said.”

British Keystone Kops try to break into a car — and fail: “Four police officers are being investigated for allegedly trying to break into a car to retrieve a mobile phone one of them dropped in the vehicle during a stop and search. When the female officer realised her phone was missing, she and a colleague allegedly went to the driver’s house. But when they could not get an answer at the door, they tried to prise open his car door with their metal batons. Two more officers from Devon and Cornwall Constabulary arrived to help, but their efforts failed and eventually they posted a note through the man’s front door asking him to return the phone. A police source said: ‘They had no powers to break into this vehicle. If this was done by a member of the public, it would be classed as criminal damage. It could lead to dismissal.’ The owner discovered the damage the next morning when he tried to unlock his car for returning officers. He has made an official complaint.”

Britain’s latest sub was using out-of-date charts when it crashed: “Britain’s newest and most advanced nuclear submarine may have run aground because it was using out-of-date charts. The £1.2 billion HMS Astute, which boasts radical new autopilot tech­nology, became stuck in mud and shingle a few hundred yards offshore when it strayed into shallow water off the west coast of Scotland. Last night the Royal Navy admitted it was investigating whether the embarrassing incident was caused by the use of old charts, which failed to accurately map shifting channels off the Isle of Skye. The vessel is understood to have strayed several hundred yards outside the safe sea lane marked on Admiralty charts and was only 200 yards from striking a rock.”

Seaside Italian town mulls miniskirt ban: “Italian officials have threatened to ban miniskirts and low-cut tops in an effort to clean up a seaside town’s raunchy image. Locals of Castellammare di Stabia would also be barred from using blasphemous language and playing soccer in public parks. The new laws are being pushed forward by Luigi Bobbio, the centre-right mayor of Castellammare di Stabia, ANSA reports. Mr Bobbio will ask council members in the seaside town, close to Naples, southern Italy, to vote though a raft of measures designed to “restore urban decorum and facilitate better civil co-existence.” Offenders would face fines of up to $696 for flouting the proposed rules, ANSA added. “I think it’s the right decision,” Don Paolo Cecere told the Cronache di Napoli daily newspaper. “It’s also a way of combating the rise in sexual harassment”.

NASA preps ‘100-year spaceship’ program: “A senior NASA official has promised to deliver a spaceship that will travel between alien worlds “within a few years”. Speaking at a conference in San Francisco on Saturday, NASA Ames director Simon Worden said his division had started a project with Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency called the “Hundred Year Starship”. The project was kicked off recently with $1 million funding from DARPA and $100K from NASA and hopes to utilise new propulsion ideas being explored by NASA. Mr Worden said the space program was “now really aimed at settling other worlds”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Steam-powered submarine?

It’s actually Britain’s latest nuclear submarine so your guess is as good as mine about where that steam comes from. Story here

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Poison forest: “When Nigel and Janette Young took their dogs to the woods, they were expecting a relaxing afternoon of walking and playing ball games. Instead, their excursion resulted in all four dogs being put on intravenous drips after falling seriously ill. Scores of pets have been struck down by the same mystery illness, which causes vomiting, dehydration, lethargy, diarrhoea and breathing difficulties, after being walked in woodland – and up to 30 have died. But despite various theories about what is causing the deaths, such as deadly blue algae or poisonous fungi, none has proved conclusive and experts are baffled. The affected areas include Sherwood Forest, Clumber Park, Haywood Oaks, Blidworth Woods, Sherwood Pines and Thieves Wood. Other dogs have fallen ill in Lincolnshire and after walks in the Queen’s 20,000-acre Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, but have recovered.”

Bankers ’caused credit crisis for kicks’: “Forget the thorny problems of risk, regulation and even reward: bankers blew up the financial system for the thrill of it, according to one British academic. With a theory that will alarm Business Secretary Vince Cable, Dr Paul Crosthwaite of Cardiff University has argued that bankers and other investors took on excessive risks not just to make money but for the “desire” and “exhilaration” of destruction. “For its participants and speculators alike, the crash is not simply an object of fear or anxiety, or even of mere fascination, but also of an inchoate but urgent desire,” Dr Crosthwaite wrote in an article published in Angelaki: Journal of the Theoretical Humanities. He maintains that the crisis was the modern equivalent to the traditional Native American practice of “potlatch”, a ritual ceremony in which the chiefs of rival tribes competed to destroy ever greater quantities of their own possessions as an expression of power and importance”.

Teacher ‘too sexy’ for Italian school: “A sexy teacher has outraged parents at a strict Catholic school – after pupils found raunchy footage of her on the internet. Former beauty queen Ileana Tacconelli, 28, who has three degrees, caused a storm after it emerged she was once a kinky glamour model, British media reports. One furious mother pulled her daughter from the school but other parents — mainly dads — have stood by Ileana, even setting up a fan club for her. The controversy erupted after a mum complained to Father Aldo Geranzani, head of the prestigious San Carlo Catholic High School in Milan, claiming Ileana was “too attractive” and “a distraction”. Fuel was added to the fire after video of her acting in a comic sketch dressed in hot pants and a bra emerged, as well as photographs of her posing in an American police uniform.”

Spain runs siesta championship: “What is being billed as Spain’s first national siesta championship is under way in Madrid to find the best napper and help revive the tradition of taking a snooze after lunch. Participants are monitored as they lie on bright blue sofas in the middle of a shopping centre for a 20-minute nap. Some wear pyjamas; others sport eye masks or cover their faces with their jackets. They have pulse monitors attached to their bodies and the maximum of 20,000 points is awarded to those who sleep for the full 20 minutes. The competition, organised by the National Association of Friends of the Siesta, began on October 14 and will wrap up on Saturday, with the winner awarded a prize of 1000 euros>”

Bible unprofitable: “A shareholder of Bible.com Inc sued the company’s board members, accusing the ordained ministers of failing to profit from the “goldmine” potential of the namesake Internet property, according to a lawsuit. James Solakian filed the lawsuit in Delaware’s Chancery Court against the board of Bible.com for breaching their duty by refusing to sell the site or run the company in a profitable way. The lawsuit cites a valuation done by a potential purchaser that estimated bible.com could be worth more than dictionary.com, which recently sold for more than $100 million. The domain name was registered by Roy Spencer “Bud” Miller, an Arizona minister who secured it in 1996 for $50. Soon after, he was offered $100,000 for the location, according to court documents. Miller refused, stating he was entrusted to run the site for a sacred purpose, according to court documents.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Cool cat

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Croc crashes plane: “A stowaway crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew. The croc had been hidden in a passenger’s sports bag – allegedly with plans to sell it – but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic. A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house. A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators. Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage.”

Giant Piranha: “After an eight-day monster battle a British fisherman has caught one of the world’s most fearsome freshwater fish. Angler Jeremy Wade wrestled the 5ft-long goliath tigerfish during a fishing expedition along the Congo River in Africa. The tigerfish – believed to be a deadlier version of the piranha – has 32 teeth that are a similar size to those of a great white shark and has been known to attack humans and even crocodiles, the UK’s Daily Mail reports. Mr Wade reeled in the 45kg beast as part of a TV show about mythical reports from around the world of humans being attacked by unknown monsters from the deep. Mr Wade said he used catfish as bait for the tigerfish and a 91kg rod and line. He said he feared handling the monster fish and had to stand back from it until it was safely in his landing net.”

Making the punishment fit the crime: “A group of Spanish tourists think New Zealand stinks. The trio of travellers had to spend three hours in the South Island picking up human waste after they were busted by police for defecating on the nature strip at the end of a residential street. The group “volunteered” for community work, rather than a court appearance, Sergeant Tod Hollebon said in a statement on Thursday. After getting tipped off by a local, NZ police found the two women and a man near a rental van which didn’t have a toilet, the Otago Daily Times reported on Friday. After initially denying their activities they admitted they had been using an “outside toilet”. On Thursday, the group spent three hours “picking up exactly what they and others had deposited” around roadside rest areas at Te Anau, a popular tourist spot in Fiordland, on the east coast of NZ’s South Island.”

Not clinically dead, just sleeping: “A French woman pronounced “very certainly clinically dead” woke up 14 hours later to declare: “I had a wonderful sleep.” Doctors had asked the family of Lydia Paillard, 60, to consider switching off her life support but they had delayed. They are considering legal action. Mrs Paillard walked into a clinic in Bordeaux on Monday for chemotherapy, but after being put on a drip and taking pills, turned blue, and fell into a coma. “We were told that she wouldn’t come back,” said Sebastien Paillard, one of her three sons. She was transferred on a respirator to another wing and that afternoon staff there noticed signs of brain activity. “It’s a sort of miracle,” said Yves Noel, the head of the Bordeaux Nord Polyclinic. He said two doctors, one with 25 years’ experience, agreed she was clinically dead. She might have had an epileptic fit, he said.”

Fake speed trap in Britain: “Motorists driving down Kerry Donnelly’s street routinely ignored the 30mph speed limit. But in the last few weeks residents have noticed that the traffic has slowed down dramatically – thanks to what appears to be a permanent police presence outside his house. A vehicle that looks remarkably similar to a speed camera van has been parked in the suburban street. In fact, the vehicle is a former police van that is no longer used by South Wales Police. In an attempt to make the streets safe for his children and neighbours, Mr Donnelly bought the van for £1,500 on the eBay auction website. He then spent ten minutes sticking tape in the window of the back door to fake a speed camera window.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.