Wicked Thoughts

Fruity flasher

THE NEWS

New Zealand air traffic control closed during lunch breaks: “Air New Zealand says it will have to cancel 25 regional flights each week because air traffic control tower staff will take lunch breaks from Wednesday. In a statement the airline called the situation farcical. Employment Relations Act changes which come into effect on Wednesday will see the Air Line Pilots Association insisting that members take their breaks at scheduled times rather than working flexibly as they have in the past. Air New Zealand says this means the Civil Aviation Authority from Wednesday will be forced to close five towers, twice each day, for 30-45 minutes. Air New Zealand short haul head Bruce Parton said it was farcical that services to five regional airports would have to be cancelled. “We have been working hard to avoid redundancies across the business where possible, and it is disappointing that this action will put jobs at risk at two of Air New Zealand’s regional airlines – Air Nelson and Eagle Air,” Mr Parton said. Regional customers will face disruption and reduced frequency as Air New Zealand is forced to remove approximately 2500 seats each week from regional capacity.”

The ugliest city in the world: ONCE at the centre of Belgium’s coal and industry belt, Charleroi is surrounded by a post-industrial landscape of slagheaps and derelict factories. It faces the latest global recession having never recovered from the previous two. The city in the Walloon, French-speaking region of southern Belgium is openly acknowledged by many of its inhabitants to be the most depressing place in Europe. Some enterprising citizens are cashing in on its reputation by offering “urban safaris” through the sheer hideousness of their city, billed as “the ugliest city in the world” by a recent opinion poll in neighbouring Holland. “Hop in our van for an urban safari and discover the place where Magritte’s mother committed suicide, the house of the infamous Dutroux, the most depressing street in all of Belgium, climb on a terril (waste coal pile) and visit an authentic abandoned metal factory,” offers one tour company. Charleroi, whose people are known as Carolos, has become notorious as the home of pedophile and killer Marc Dutroux. Last week, the city council finally decided to demolish his “house of horror” and replace it with a memorial flower garden. Another Carolo, Muriel Degauque, became the world’s first white female suicide bomber when she blew herself up in Baghdad in 2005.”

Lacy underwear secret tool of polar expedition: “Arctic “explorer” Pen Hadow and his team are relying on a pair of lady’s knickers to navigate their way to the North Pole after compasses failed. The Catlin Arctic Survey are trekking 700 miles to the North Pole to measure the thickness of the shrinking Arctic icecap. However due to the proximity to magnetic north the compasses are “going haywire”. The freezing conditions also mean the latest global positioning satellite or GPS equipment will not work. Therefore the team have to rely on navigating using the position of the sun. When it is cloudy they rely on following the direction of the wind helpfully indicated by a pair of lacy knickers shredded and stuck to the end of a ski pole. Mr Hadow, who was the first person to trek solo to the North Pole, said the knickers were kindly donated by a supporter of the expedition.”

Surf dog: “CANINE surfer Jack proves pooches can do more than just dog-paddle. The cocker spaniel rides the front of the surfboard each day, leaping off for a swim when the mood takes him. Owner Heath Meldrum, a model and personal trainer from Frankston South, takes Jack from Olivers Hill to the surf club and back every day. “He loves it,” Heath said. “He just decided himself one day two years ago that he wanted to go on the board. “He just jumped on and I took him for a little ride. “I bought him a little life jacket and we have been doing it every day, unless it’s very stormy.” Last week, Heath took Jack to Shoreham to get a taste of real surf. “He loved the waves,” he said”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Plug that leak!

THE NEWS

Woman plunged off 100ft cliff in car without seatbelt on – and walked away unhurt: “A woman escaped virtually uninjured when she plunged over a 100ft cliff in her car while not wearing a seatbelt. Barbara Tyreman, 60, of Eskdaleside, North Yorkshire, was leaving her home yesterday when she accidentally hit the accelerator of her Mini as she reached for her seatbelt. As the grandmother of two swerved to avoid hitting another car, the car `flew’ over the edge of the cliff and came to rest 100ft below, wedged between two trees. Firemen cut Mrs Tyreman free from the car and she was airlifted by helicopter to Scarborough Hospital, where she was X-rayed and given blood tests but later released with just a bruised arm. Mrs Tyreman, who runs a holiday rentals firm, said: `My daughter and granddaughter were in a car in front of me and I didn’t want to hit them so I turned the car to the left and it flew – literally flew – over the cliff edge. `After I landed, I hadn’t banged my head, and my legs and arms and everything were still moving and I couldn’t believe it. I just don’t know how I’m alive.”

Drunk driver pulled over by other motorists: “MOTORISTS at Smithfield, Cairns, were so concerned as a drink-driver swerved all over the road early on Saturday afternoon that they forced her off the road themselves. When police turned up, the 50-year-old Cairns woman, who blew .307 per cent, told them she was on her way to the Atherton races after drinking some wine. She could not remember how much wine she had drunk. She also could not stand up. Sgt Bruce MacDonald, of Smithfield police, yesterday said the woman had no history of drink-driving. “She was on her way to Atherton and had missed her turn,” Sgt MacDonald said. “All I could think was, thank Christ she didn’t go up the (Kuranda) range or we would have had a fatal for sure.” He said witnesses reported seeing the woman swerving over both northbound lanes of the Captain Cook Highway about 1.30pm and managed to get her to pull over, near the Stanton Rd intersection, before calling police. He said the reading, more than six times the legal limit, was one of the highest he had seen on the northern beaches.”

Thirsty camels turning faucets on: “Camels are coming into communities in central Australia and turning on the taps, the Macdonnell Shire Council says. The shire has applied to the Federal Government for a $4.5 million slice of infrastructure funding to build camel-proof boundaries around 14 communities. Wayne Wright from the shire says thirsty camels are causing significant damage. “In a number of our communities it’s quite common for camels to enter the community and if there are any taps adjacent to houses they’re quite capable of either turning the taps on or knocking the taps off so they get water.” The intention is to put cattle grids at the entrances of the communities and place fencing around them.”

Devil dog has his day in honour of pet saint: “A family pet is dressed as a devil in preparation for a two-day festival held each year in Nicaragua to honour St Lazarus, the patron saint of dogs. Hundreds of hounds of all breeds are draped in colourful costumes and paraded in the Santa Maria Magdalena church in Masaya City, with their owners expressing their gratitude for prayers answered, or praying for miracles for family and friends – and sometimes for the dogs themselves. The participation of the dogs is based on the biblical passages in which hounds are said to have licked the sores of Lazarus.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

You have to just love those Marines!!

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.”

The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.

THE NEWS

Homelessness is different in Japan: “It is unpleasant when newcomers lower the tone of the neighbourhood and Tomitaka Iwamura was as angry as anyone. There was the mess for a start – open bags of rubbish left lying around by the new arrivals. Then they started stealing from shops, attracting the attention of the police and giving everyone a bad name. The last straw came when the interlopers began moving in on the accommodation of longstanding residents such as Mr Iwamura. “These new people just don’t understand the rules, and when that happened the boss got involved,” he says. “He told them to leave. Sometimes physical force was necessary.” None of this would be remarkable but for one fact: Mr Iwamura is homeless. For the past five months he has been living rough in a subway tunnel under the Shinjuku district of central Tokyo. His boss is homeless too – as are the interlopers they recently confronted. Their story is part of a wider conflict between Japan’s long-established derelict population and a new wave of homeless people taking to the streets as victims of the credit crunch…. Like the rest of Japanese society, they live in an ordered hierarchy in conformity with strict social codes. It is with this smoothly functioning world that a new generation of destitutes is coming into conflict.”

Bottom-freezing lavatory in Tasmania: “A new toilet on Mt Wellington should stop the problem of buttocks sticking to frozen toilet seats. A toilet block was approved for the summit by the Hobart City Council last night. And a report will look at plans for a new observation building and viewing platforms. Ald Geoff Briscoe said the toilet block plans included plenty of glass in the foyer, which would warm the building. “This could be the highest toilet in Australia,” Ald Briscoe said. “The problem at the moment is that at zero degrees, there is the potential to freeze body parts.” The council did not consider heated toilet seats because they were an expensive option and the whole building had to be heated.”

Ex-NY trooper admits he wrote fake traffic tickets: “An ex-New York state trooper has admitted in court that he issued fake traffic tickets to a man he’d argued with. Lester Hooper pleaded guilty Tuesday in White Plains court to one count of official misconduct. As part of the plea deal, he resigned. He’d been on paid suspension since his July 1 arrest. The 36-year-old will serve three years probation and pay $600 restitution to the Brooklyn man he targeted. Hooper’s lawyer did not immediately return an after-hours message. He previously said the dispute involved contact between the ticketed man and Hooper’s wife.”

Afghan suicide bomber blows up 6 of his pals: “A would-be suicide bomber accidentally blew himself up on Thursday, killing six other militants as he was bidding them farewell to leave for his intended target, the Interior Ministry said. “The terrorist was on his way to his destination and saying good-bye to his associates and then his suicide vest exploded,” a statement from the ministry said. Taliban-led attacks in Afghanistan have escalated in the past year with suicide and roadside bombings insurgents’ weapons of choice. The incident happened in Helmand province in southern Afghanistan where mainly British troops are struggling against a growing Taliban-led insurgency.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A good woman can bring balance to your life

THE NEWS

Acne ‘spot’ lights send teens running: “SPOT” lights which draw attention to teenagers’ acne are the latest weapon against anti-social behaviour in Britain. Layton Burroughs Residents’ Association in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, is using the lights to discourage troublesome youths from hanging around in underpasses on a housing estate. Residents found the pink light was regarded as “uncool” by some teenage boys, but also sent them fleeing in embarrassment when it highlighted their skin blemishes. Layton Burroughs Residents’ Association chairman Tony Gelsthorpe said action was needed after a string of complaints about foul-mouthed youths. “We’ve had problems with underage drinking, drug dealing, anti-social behaviour and general intimidation,” he told the The Daily Telegraph. “I was a little bit dubious about the pink lights at first but it’s done the trick.” Another association member, Marianne Down, said the lamps – the same kind beauticians use to check for skin abnormalities – had made a difference. “There were large groups of young people hanging around in the underpasses drinking, which felt quite intimidating,” she said. “The groups aren’t there as much and it feels safer walking through there now, particularly at night.”

Unwise to sleep in an industrial rubbish bin: “A man sleeping in a large wheelie bin was seriously injured in Germany on Friday after being crushed in the jaws of a waste collection truck, police said. As workers in the northwestern town of Paderborn were emptying the four-wheel bin into the crusher at the back of their vehicle they heard cries and immediately hit the emergency stop button. Medics attended to the man while firemen and a technician worked at switching off the hydraulics on the crusher so that its huge metal jaws could be manually prized apart. Once freed, the 31-year-old was then taken to hospital seriously injured. His condition was described as critical.

Most women want a man with sizzle, not a SNAG: “WOMEN want men who can unblock the drain, not SNAGs who hog the vanity mirror. An independent study commissioned by Lynx deodorant polled 2800 women aged 18 to 34 from Australia and 13 other countries. It found the majority of women are just not that into sensitive new-age guys who are too in touch with their feminine side. Eight out of 10 women surveyed said they wanted a neo-sexual man who was capable of being “sensitive without losing his masculinity”. Other results showed: NINE out of 10 women want men to do the traditional thing when asking them on a date by doing it in person. SIX out of 10 do not like it when a man takes longer than them to get ready to go out. THREE-quarters of women think sharing beauty products or clothes with a man is a major turn-off.”

Three men die trying to saw through artillery shell: “THREE Vietnamese men were killed while trying to saw through a war-era shell to salvage metal and explosives, police said. The men, between 19 and 44 years old, were trying to break open a 105mm shell when the blast happened in southern Tay Ninh province on Friday, local policeman Nguyen Minh Kha said. “The poor men wanted to sell the metal for money. They could not escape the sudden blast,” he said. According to earlier figures from the Public Security Ministry, more than 38,000 Vietnamese nationals have been killed and 100,000 injured by explosives left over from the Vietnam War, which ended in 1975.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

The modern way

THE NEWS

Murderer who made ‘deathbed’ confession is arrested after making a miraculous recovery: “A factory worker who confessed to murdering his neighbour 32 years ago while on his `deathbed’ has been charged with murder after making a miraculous recovery. James Brewer, 58, could now face the death penalty over the unsolved killing in Tennessee in 1977. Police were summoned to Brewer’s hospital bedside earlier this month after he suffered a stroke. He is alleged to have then told them he shot dead 20-year-old Jimmy Carroll who he believed was trying to seduce his wife. ‘He wanted to cleanse his soul, because he thought he was going to the great beyond,’ said police detective Tony Grasso, who interviewed Mr Brewer in an Oklahoma hospital, The Oklahoman website reported. However, Brewer survived and surrendered to authorities in his former home town of Hohenwald, Tennessee, after they were notified by the Oklahoma police. He had reportedly moved to Oklahoma from Tennessee after jumping bail after he was originally arrested and charged with Mr Carroll’s murder in 1977.”

India abandons the Hindustan Ambassador over terror fears: “For more than half a century the Hindustan Ambassador saloon has been a symbol of power and influence for Indian politicians. But following the Mumbai terrorist attack, party leaders have been forced to finally abandon them for bulletproof jeeps. It was once the most popular car in India as it was perceived to be best suited to the harsh Indian terrain. It has survived into the 21st century because of sales to government officials and ministers. Policemen in New Delhi and other cities around India stop traffic to give priority to convoys of white Ambassadors with red ‘cherry’ roof lights. Army and air force chiefs have their own service coloured fleets with starred rank plates, and the prime minister and opposition leader still have a curvy tribute to the early days of motoring as their official vehicle. But while the ‘Amby’, as it is affectionately known, has survived the introduction of Bentleys, Mercedes, and a long jam of Sport Utility Vehicles in India, the recent upsurge in terrorist attacks and the fear of more to come in the current general election campaign has sent candidates running for new, flashier bulletproof cars”.

Woman charged with bestiality over dog sex: “A WOMAN demanded police search a computer for evidence her ex-boyfriend had looked at child porn – instead they found videos of her having sex with a dog. Michelle Owen, 24, of Indiana in the United States, has been charged with two felony counts of bestiality after the police found two incriminating videos in the computer’s recycle bin. When an officer told Owen he had found videos of her on the laptop and asked if she knew what they were, she replied: “The one with the dog.” The videos showed her engaging in a sexual act with her pet beagle Toby. Owen claimed she made the videos when she was drunk and tried to delete them the next day.”

UK: Pack rat evicted from home after 34 years: “A 72-year-old man who hoarded all he could onto his property in the British town of Poole for the last 34 years has been evicted, his neighbors say. Betty Sheppard said the condition of neighbor James Finney’s property has stopped her from successfully selling her own home for the last three decades. The elderly man collected 34 years of trash in his garden, The Sun said Wednesday. `We have not wanted him as a neighbor for a long, long time – everyone is happy he’s gone,’ Sheppard said. `No one would even dream of buying our house while he was living next door but now we’re free.’ Finney was evicted from his home after being convicted of threatening a planning enforcement officer and assaulting an arresting police officer. The planning official had been photographing Finney’s home when the senior citizen poured a bucket of urine on him and threatened him with an iron bar, the Sun said.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Important Women’s Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and be more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not..

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

THE NEWS

TN: Man tried to buy beer in the buff: “A Hendersonville man was charged with public indecency after he allegedly tried to buy beer in the buff. James T. Golden, 48, of Pecanwood Court, is alleged to have twice entered the Stop N Buy at 137 Walton Ferry Road completely nude to purchase beer. According to the affidavit filed in Sumner County General Sessions Court, Golden told police after the March 9 incident that he thought the clerk `would like it if he went into the store nude.’ According to the affidavit, police say Golden apologized for his actions, saying `he didn’t realize it would come to this.'”

Crisis-hit Finland sells Santa’s home: “Finland’s recession-hit government said Tuesday it had sold its stake in Santapark, a Christmas theme park in the northern city of Rovaniemi, widely considered the home of Father Christmas. Around 500,000 tourists visit the city of Rovaniemi near the Arctic circle every year to see Santa Claus and his wintry wonderland theme park, although numbers dipped last year and are expected to fall further this year. “The value of the deal is not disclosed, because the state did not wish to publish it,” Ilkka Laenkinen, managing director at local tourism company Santa’s Holding which bought the government’s 32 per cent stake, said. The government did not say why it was selling its stake, although a spokesman told the STT news agency the park, which has sometimes struggled to make ends meet since it opened just over a decade ago, would be in better hands under private ownership.”

Boyfriend dies after catching suicidal lover: “A Chinese man died after catching his girlfriend as she jumped from the seventh floor of an apartment block in the south-eastern city of Quanzhou, local media reported. The young man, identified only by the surname Wang, held out his arms to break the woman’s fall as she plummeted from their apartment in the city on Tuesday evening, the Straits Capital News reported on its website. Wang was killed by the impact of his girlfriend landing on top of him, while the woman suffered bone fractures and other serious injuries but was not in critical condition, the newspaper said. The couple had quarrelled shortly before the woman began threatening to jump from the apartment, it quoted witnesses as saying. The witnesses reported seeing Wang on the street below the apartment, trying to persuade his girlfriend not to jump. The newspaper showed photographs of the injured woman in hospital and of the street below the apartment.”

Is this the world’s unluckiest bank robber? “David Maksimik, 59, [above] not only bungled his getaway he even ended up calling police to the home where he’d stashed his haul, according to US media reports. Connecticut police claim Mr Maksimik robbed the People’s United Bank on Old Kings Highway north, in Darien, with a fake grenade strapped to his waist and a gun on January 29. He reportedly escaped, but then crashed his getaway vehicle into another car. The Associated Press reports the hapless Mr Maksimik needed to hail a bus, then a taxi, before eventually calling his sister to pick him up. But the Connecticut Post reports when Mr Maksimik finally made it home, he found his roommate dead and called emergency services. Police responding to the suicide say they found bank money totalling $US3745 inside a bag on Mr Maksimik’s bed and arrested him. Mr Maksimik appeared before a US federal magistrate in Bridgeport yesterday. He was held without bond.”

Trusting driver: “A shocked driver is today facing a careless driving charge after his sat-nav left his BMW teetering on the edge of a cliff. Robert Jones said he trusted the gadget and continued to follow its instructions, even when it took him up a steep, narrow footpath. He only realised something was wrong when his car hit a fence and came to a stop just inches from a 100ft drop. The 43-year-old, who works as a delivery driver, described the incident as a ‘nightmare’. He said ‘It kept insisting the path was a road, even as it was getting narrower and steeper, so I just trusted it. ‘I rely on my sat-nav, I couldn’t do without it for my job. ‘I guess I’m lucky the car didn’t slip all the way over the edge. You don’t expect to be taken nearly over a cliff”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Obama’s “Stimulus” Plan and the 3 Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, 3I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn1t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700.

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn1t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?

The Chicago contractor whispers back: $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

Done! replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

THE NEWS

Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise: “They are some of the oldest British surnames, passed down from generation to generation for hundreds of years. But over the past century or so, they have gone into a catastrophic decline. Is it migration? Death? Disease? Some socio-demographic calamity that has befallen these families? Perhaps not. A list of the names reveals that their fall in popularity may have a more prosaic cause. Cock, Daft, Death, Smellie, not to mention Gotobed, Shufflebottom and Jelly: they are all surnames that would have caused their owners considerable embarrassment over the years. A new analysis of British surnames reveals how names with rude overtones have seen the sharpest decline over the past 120 years as their owners have changed them to something more innocuous. A comparison of the 2008 population – using data from a variety of sources – with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls or Daft has fallen by more than 50 per cent. David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. “`Bottom’ names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft’ meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name.” The fastest-growing surname in Britain is Zhang, which has grown from 123 in 1996 to 5804 in 2008. It is followed by four other Chinese names – Wang, Yang, Huang and Lin”

‘Mama, baby!’: hero parrot saves choking baby: “A parrot whose cries of alarm alerted his US owner when a little girl choked on her breakfast has been honoured as a hero. Willie, a Quaker parrot, has been given the Denver Red Cross chapter’s Animal Lifesaver Award. In November, Willie’s owner, Megan Howard, was babysitting for a toddler. Ms Howard left the room and the little girl, Hannah, started to choke on her breakfast. Willie repeatedly yelled “Mama, baby” and flapped his wings. Ms Howard returned to find the girl turning blue. She saved Hannah by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre but said Willie “is the real hero”. “The part where she turned blue is always when my heart drops no matter how many times I’ve heard it,” Hannah’s mother, Samantha Kuusk, told KCNC-TV. “My heart drops in my stomach and I get all teary eyed.”

Allah didn’t help: ” A pilot who prayed instead of taking emergency measures before crash-landing his plane has been sentenced to 10 years in jail. The Tunisian pilot received his sentence in an Italian court, along with his co-pilot, for the crash which killed 16 people. The 2005 crash at sea off Sicily left survivors swimming for their lives, some clinging to a piece of the fuselage that remained floating after the ATR turbo-prop aircraft splintered upon impact. A fuel-gauge malfunction was partly to blame but prosecutors also said the pilot succumbed to panic, praying out loud instead of following emergency procedures and then opting to crash-land the plane instead trying to reach a nearby airport. Another five employees of Tuninter, a subsidiary of Tunisair, were sentenced to between eight and nine years in jail by the court. The seven accused, who were not in court, will not spend time in jail until the appeals process has been exhausted.”

911 call after woman handcuffs herself to husband: “A WOMAN in the US state of Connecticut wanted to reconcile with her estranged husband so badly she handcuffed herself to him while he slept and changed the locks on his bedroom door. Helen Sun, 37, told officers she wanted to make sure her husband, Robert Drawbaugh, couldn’t get up and leave while she talked with him. Clearly not willing to talk, Mr Drawbaugh was eventually able to pin Ms Sun down and call 911 on his mobile phone, where he could be heard screaming for help and saying that Ms Sun was biting him. “Oww!” Mr Drawbaugh shouted several times during the call. “Are they almost here? “Oh God. She has a history of violence! She’s biting me!” Ms Sun has been charged with third-degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint. She was being held on $15,000 bond after a court appearance today.”

Japanese astronaut tests stink-free underwear: “Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan’s space scientists may have just the answer — a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing. Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women’s University in Tokyo. “He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week,” said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency. Wakata’s clothes, developed by researcher Yoshiko Taya, are designed to kill bacteria, absorb water, insulate the body and dry quickly. They also are flame-resistant and anti-static, not to mention comfortable and stylish. Japanese astronaut Takao Doi gave the clothes a trial run during a shuttle mission last year. Even after a vigorous workout, Doi’s clothes stayed dry. “The other astronauts become very sweaty, but he doesn’t have any sweat. He didn’t need to hang his clothes to dry,” Yanagawa said. J-ware should reduce the amount of clothing that needs to be sent to the space station, which has no laundry facilities. Toting cargo into orbit is expensive, so having clothes that stay fresh for weeks at a time should result in significant savings”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

(I have put a few explanations in brackets)

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata (rag) is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.

6. One mitzvah (good deed) can change the world; two will just make you tired.

7. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

8. Never take a front row seat at a Bris (circumcision ceremony)

9. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

10. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

11 Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca (Florida)

12. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

13. Always whisper the names of diseases.

14. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.

15. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

16. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

17. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

18. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida (elderly people tend to eat dinner early)

19. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies (pastrami should be on rye bread)

THE NEWS

‘Wild, energetic sex is key to conception’: “Forget books, special diets and particular times of the month. Couples who want a baby should put their energy into having the wild, uninhibited sex of their early days together. The better their quality of love-making, the greater their chances of conception, scientists say. What one fertility expert calls “gourmet sex” – where both partners take time to ensure the other has a satisfying experience – gives a couple the best chance of producing a baby. “Couples who are trying to have a baby often mention that the sex becomes a bit of a chore, a bit mechanical and routine. That’s the wrong thing to be doing,” said Dr Allan Pacey, a senior lecturer in andrology at Sheffield University. “The sex should be as wild and thrilling as it was when they first met, when they weren’t thinking about babies, to give them the maximum possible chance of having a baby,” added Pacey, secretary of the British Fertility Society.”

The stalker who loved Dickens: “CHARLES DICKENS was greeted like a modern-day rock star when he toured the United States in 1867-8: not only did he perform his work to excitable crowds and earn a fortune in the process, but according to a contemporary diarist he was also stalked by an obsessive fan. For a brief period Jane Bigelow, a 39-year-old socialite from Baltimore, regarded the novelist as her personal property, threatening other women who expressed interest in him. She even knocked out an elderly widow who dared to call on Dickens at his hotel and harassed others who used their connections to meet him. The stalker’s identity is revealed in the diary of Annie Fields, a Boston society hostess and the wife of Dickens’s publisher, who attended some of the novelist’s shows.”

UK: Gobbledegook ban for councils: “Councils have been banned from using incomprehensible jargon such as `predictors of beaconicity’ and `rebaselining.’ New guidelines from the Local Government Association outlaw 100 words and phrases and says they should be replaced with plain English. Other terms that may no longer be used include `cascading,’ `funding-streams’ and `cross-fertilisation,’ reports the Daily Telegraph. Also banned are `across-the-piece,’ `gateway review’, `holistic government,’ `early win’ and `functionality.’ The list was compiled by Richard Stokoe, head of news at the LGA, who admitted he was unsure what some of the terms actually meant.”

Men would rather date beautiful bimbos than ugly, clever women: “The survey showed that 73 per cent of men are more likely to opt for a girl like Celebrity Big Brother’s Chantelle Houghton than University Challenge star Gail Trimble. More than half of men said brains did not come into it as long as the girl is good looking because it was important to impress their friends. Eight out of ten men said they would be intimidated by a clever girl. But almost three quarters of women said they would go for brains over good looks because handsome men are too vain and those with brains will be able to provide for them. Only one in ten said they would go for a good looking guy rather than a clever one because the ‘sex would be better’. Chantelle, who famously described herself as a ‘bright blonde bimbo’ before going into the Big Brother house, astonished viewers when it emerged she didn’t know what a gynaecologist was. Trimble refused a host of makeovers from various magazines and TV shows after she shot to prominence, saying she was happy with her looks. A spokesman for http://www.OnePoll.com, which carried out the survey, said: “It seems beauty is more important the brains after all.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

I Voted Democrat Because…

I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever I want. I decided to marry my horse.

I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn’t.Democrat Logo

I voted Democrat because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing, because they now think we’re good people.

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don’t own.” — Ron, the Gregarious Hermit.

THE NEWS

Son takes his father’s ashes to the doctor to stop endless appointment reminders: “A son got so fed up with hospital staff sending letters to his dead father that he took the ashes to an appointment. Andrew Wild, 44, received more than 20 reminders asking his father Peter to attend kidney clinics at the University Hospital of North Staffordshire – despite repeatedly telling them he had died in 2007 – so he took the urn to one of his own appointments. He said: `The consultant asked how I was feeling. I said I was OK, then produced dad’s ashes and asked, “But what can you do for him?” `He was gobsmacked. I know it was morbid but I couldn’t think of what else to do.’ The hospital has apologised.”

Monster prehistoric creature had circular jaw, claws on head: “Hurdia victoria has a segmented body covered with gills and a huge three-part carapace, or shell, that projects out from the front of its head, according to the study published in the peer-reviewed journal Science. “This structure is unlike anything seen in other fossil or living arthropods,” said lead author Allison Daley, who has been studying the fossils for three years as part of her doctoral thesis at Uppsala University in Sweden. “The use of the large carapace extending from the front of its head is a mystery. In many animals, a shell or carapace is used to protect the soft-parts of the body, as you would see in a crab or lobster, but this structure in Hurdia is empty and does not cover or protect the rest of the body. We can only guess at what its function might have been.” Hurdia and Anomalocaris are both early offshoots of the evolutionary lineage that led to arthropods, a large modern group that contains spiders, crustaceans, insects, millipedes and centipedes. The Hurdia specimens reveal exquisite details of its gills, some of the best preserved in the fossil record. “Most of the body is covered in the gills, which were probably necessary to provide oxygen to such a large, actively swimming animal,” Daley said.”

Five warnings not enough: “An over-height semi-trailer passed five warning signs before tearing down pipes and lights in the Tugun bypass tunnel on the Gold Coast yesterday and closing northbound lanes for three hours. Police said the semi-trailer, which was carrying a crushing plant machine, hit the entrance to the south side of the tunnel about 9am Queensland time. The driver could face charges. “It was loaded to the point were it was too high to go under the tunnel and part of the load has collided with the top of it,” said NSW police Senior Constable Mark Warrall. “It damaged the machinery and the tunnel and the driver kept going to the other side of the tunnel and then pulled up.” A goldcoast.com.au reader witnessed the accident and said the truck hit the tunnel at speed. “I was behind the truck when it hit the tunnel and was amazed the driver wasn’t hurt,” said Jude.”

Germans send TV licence demand to 16th century mathematician: “A German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay for a TV licence. Germany’s GEZ sent the bill to the last home address of algebra expert Adam Ries, who bought the property in 1525. “We received a letter saying ‘To Mr Adam Ries’ on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees,” said Annegret Muench, who now heads a club honouring the mathematician, which uses the house as its HQ. Miss Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late, as Ries had died in 1559. But she still received a reminder a few weeks later. This was not the first time the GEZ had sent a bill to those in the afterlife. Last year, a school named after the poet Friedrich Schiller, who died in 1805, received a reminder asking him to declare all radios and televisions in his home and pay the corresponding fees.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A real roller coaster ride

THE NEWS

British oldsters dud high-fliers: “The Candy brothers, two of London’s best known luxury property developers, were swindled by four pensioners who sold them a 47-acre Berkshire estate that they did not own. The brothers, who are both in their mid-thirties, and their bankers, HBOS, have emerged as the victims of an audacious quartet of fraudsters in their sixties and early seventies who were jailed last week. Nick and Christian Candy and the bank thought they were purchasing King’s Beeches in Sunninghill, an estate that belongs to a billionaire Sau-di sheikh, Khalid Bin Mahfouz. In 2004 they paid œ6.5 million for the estate, which was once owned by the King of Thailand, on the basis of forged paperwork lodged with the Land Registry, which suggested the pensioners were the real owners”

British Keystone Kops send a warning letter to a toddler (above): “Lincoln Police wrote to the parents of a boy aged 2 complaining that he had been abusing residents and kicking footballs at neighbours’ windows, and warning that he could face an ASBO. Shelly Hubbard, 24, said that her son Lennon was struggling to walk. Lincolnshire Police said that the letter had been sent to the family by mistake, adding: “We apologise for any distress caused.”

Twins walk free after identical DNA foils heist case: “When German police discovered traces of DNA at the scene of a multimillion-euro jewellery heist, they must have thought that they were closing in on their villain. The problem was, it led to not one but two suspects. After five fruitless weeks of searching for further evidence, investigators were yesterday forced to release identical twins Hassan and Abbas O. because they could not link the crucial DNA exclusively to one of the brothers… German law stipulates that each suspect must be individually proven guilty of a crime, but the twins’ DNA is so similar that it cannot be differentiated using methods currently accepted in German courts. No further evidence against either man has come to light, and so yesterday, both men, whose family come originally from Lebanon, walked free.”

Sexy beer: “It is the ultimate Aussie beer-lover’s fantasy: a bottle of brew with a woman on the label whose bikini disappears as fast as the drinker can consume its contents. Three mates in Sydney have taken on the Australian beer market with a unique world first marketing concept for their new beer. The label is Skinny Blonde, a low-carb beer which is thriving on the current popularity of Australia’s new crop of `healthy’ beers. But there is another reason it is popular: the Skinny Blonde bottle features a 1950s-style pin up called Daisy whose red bikini disappears as the beer level drops and the bottle warms up, thanks to the modern ink technology used on the labels.”

The orange tree is texting – again : “May I have your attention, please? This is your pachysandra calling. I’m thirsty. As if we’re not getting enough electronic stimulation already, a new device enables plants to send a text message when they need a drink. A sensor developed by Israeli scientists sends text messages to farmers when crops need water, or to homeowners when the Ficus is thirsty. It is currently being prepped for international commercial markets. Israel Agricultural Ministry plant physiologist Dr. Eran Raveh and his earth-scientist partner Dr. Arie Nadler spent seven years perfecting the hammer-shaped sensor that gauges moisture levels in plants and trees and sends real-time alerts to mobile phones or computers when water levels are low.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.