A man died and went to heaven

May 21, 2010 at 5:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s the President’s clock?” asked the man.

“That’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.

THE NEWS

Panthers in Britain?: “A 15-year-old schoolgirl has told of her terror after being chased by a big cat she claims was a ‘black panther’ in the Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire. Ms Howells, who described the ‘panther’ as about the size of a Great Dane dog, with big eyes, paws and a long tail, said the creature began following them after they spotted it at around 8.30pm on Monday night. ‘It was definitely a big cat. I’ve seen wild boar and deer in the Forest before and it definitely wasn’t one of them. ‘What makes me sure is that it was still light so I could see it really clearly.’ It is not the first time a big cat sighting has been reported near Ruspidge. In June 2007, milkman Robert Brinton got an early morning wake-up call when he encountered a big cat in Railway Road. Earlier the same year, firefighter Peter Bishop reported a black cat sighting in Cinderford and a lorry driver from Lydney also saw one on Valley Road

Married men be warned – being happier than your wife could end in divorce: “Researchers have found that if the man of the house is less happy than his wife then the couple are much less likely to split up. Alternatively if the husband is much happier, then his partner is much more likely to leave him. A study by a team of economists identified a potentially disastrous phenomenon in marriage which they call “The Happiness Gap”. Using data from tens of thousands of relationships in three different countries, they discovered that the bigger the difference in the happiness of husbands and wives the greater the risk of a break-up. Crucially, this effect was seen only when the husband was feeling better about life than his wife. And in those cases, it was more likely that the unhappy wife would start divorce proceedings.”

Police dog arrests biker: “A police dog hunted down an alleged criminal, making a spectacular arrest in Brisbane today. PD Zamm got the suspect that officers couldn’t, eventually “jumping on his back and knocking him to the ground”. PD Zamm was sent in to the fray when a 21-year-old motorcycle rider failed to stop for police. The rider dismounted and sprinted away before jumping over fences to evade police. PD Zamm’s arrest left the suspect with slight lacerations to the back of his head. But more importantly, a date with a magistrate. The man will appear in Pine Rivers Magistrates Court today charged with 16 offences, including supplying drugs, possessing drugs, breaching bail and driving without a licence.”

Black bomb-maker hates blacks: “A bomb-maker was discovered when a schoolgirl looking for her ball accidentally stepped on a trip-wire in her neighbour’s garden, a court heard today. The terrified seven-year-old set off a series of detonators when she tried to get the ball from the house of ‘hate-filled’ Donatien Se Sabi Bestrualta Chamchawala. Her parents called police who uncovered a weapons cache and explosives den in his home in a quiet street. Police said Chamchawala, 31, had a hatred of gays, Jews and – irrationally – black people, and they believed he could have targeted them for attacks. Chamchawala, of Blackwood, Caerphilly, south Wales, was today detained indefinitely under the Mental Health Act after admitting making and possessing explosives. Nicholas Jones, prosecuting, said the defendant, 31, was born with the name Andrew Webbe but changed it in 2003.”

Rio handyman shot dead by police who mistook his drill for a gun: “A man using a power drill on his balcony in a Rio de Janeiro slum was shot dead by police who mistook his handyman tool for an Uzi submachine gun. “It’d be funny if they thought I was waving a gun around”, were the last words of Helio Ribeiro to his wife inside, local media said, as he spotted a police unit close by looking for drug gang members in the tense neighbourhood. Moments later a police sniper’s bullet turned his joke into fatal reality, piercing the supermarket manager’s left arm and lung. The officer involved has been charged with involuntary homicide and the state security secretariat issued a statement lamenting the death of Ribeiro and promising compensation to his widow. Police, though, summoned reporters to see photos showing similarities in the shape of the drill used and an Uzi.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.