Wicked Thoughts

SCHOOL TEACHERS, I’LL BET YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD HEARD AND SEEN IT ALL!!

You haven’t. How would you pronounce this child’s name?

Le-a (written just like that)

Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again

It’s pronounced ‘Ledasha’. Oh yes…you read it right. This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, ‘The dash don’t be silent.’

THE NEWS

Good looks improve your credit rating: “A credit score can tell a lender a lot about a prospective borrower, but so can the borrower’s looks, according to a Texas university study. People who are perceived to be trustworthy are more likely to have a higher credit score and pay lower interest rates on loans, and are less likely to default, according to the study by Rice University in Houston, Texas. Even when hard facts such as credit scores are available, people rely on an assessment of trustworthiness to decide whether to make a loan. “It turns out that if you look trustworthy, you’re more likely to get a loan,” said Jefferson Duarte, a professor of real estate finance at Rice University, one of the study’s authors.”

A cheeky TOY parrot!: “A mum is spitting feathers after a toy parrot told her baby to “b***er off!” Tina Banks was stunned when the feathered fiend then squawked: “I’m going to rip off your head and s**t down your neck.” She picked up the gift for 11-month-old Roxy at a branch of 99p Stores and perched it on her pram on their way home. But it soon upset passers-by by chirping: “Oi, what you looking at, t***er?” and, “B***er off, a**ehole!” Tina, 46, said: “I couldn’t believe it. One man in front of me turned around and thought someone was insulting him. “There were quite a few for sale and they could get people into all sorts of trouble.” Tina said her daughter was too young to understand the insults but other parents might not be so lucky. And she slammed the shop in Brighton for not warning parents of the bad language. But Hussein Lalani, of 99p Stores, said the toy had a label to say it was for adults. He added: “I apologise as it should not have been in the toy section.” Trading standards officers last night promised to visit the store to make sure the parrots were being kept away from children’s gifts.”

Giant sea worm attacked coral reef: “A ‘giant sea worm’ that has been has been attacking a coral reef and prize fish at The Blue Reef Aquarium in Newquay has finally been caught by staff working there. Aquarists had been puzzled for months by violent attacks on their fragile reefs where the corals had been ripped in half. After staking out the display for several weeks, the last resort was to completely dismantle it, rock by rock. Halfway through the process the predator was revealed as a four-foot reef worm. Staff eventually lured it out with fish scraps but not before it bit through 20lb fishing line. Matt Slater, the curator of the Cornwall attraction, said: “Something was guzzling our reef but we had no idea what, we also found an injured Tang Fish so we laid traps but they got ripped apart in the night. “That worm must have obliterated the traps. The bait was full of hooks which he must have just digested.” “It really does look like something out of a horror movie. It’s over four feet long with these bizarre-looking jaws. We also discovered that he is covered with thousands of bristles which are capable of inflicting a sting resulting in permanent numbness.” After being carefully removed the worm, which has been nicknamed ‘Barry’ by staff, was re-located into its own tank, safely away from the coral.” [Sounds a bit mythical]

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Update:

There is such a thing as a reef worm but, despite its appearance, it is said to live on algae only:

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Orangutan hospital: “Hooked up to a drip, wearing just a nappy and a forlorn expression, the tiny infant stares out through the bars of his cot at the frenzy of activity around him. A few feet away, a nurse makes up a bottle of formula while another prepares a bath. On a nearby table lies a thermometer, a blood-pressure gauge and bottles of medication. The scene is typical of any infant care unit and the staff are dedicated to saving their tiny patients. The only difference is that these ‘babies’ are not human but infant orang-utans. Situated in the heart of the Malaysian jungle, the Infant Care Unit at Bukit Merah Lake Town Resort – dubbed Orang-Utan Island – is a very special hospital. All of its patients are from the endangered Borneo species of orang-utans, the Pongo Pygmaeus. Without the facility, built in 2004, the species would probably be extinct. Many of the 23 baby orangutans treated here were rejected or abused by their mothers. Without milk, they develop severe malnutrition. In hospital, they are cared for just like human babies. Every two hours the patients are bottle fed, and their vital signs are monitored – including blood pressure, blood oxygen content and pulse.”

`Living fossil’ reptile is born again: “A rare “living fossil” tuatara reptile has been born in the wild in an area of New Zealand where it was thought to have died out 200 years ago. Since 2005, 200 have been reintroduced from offshore islands into the Karori Sanctuary in Wellington. Staff found the 8cm (3in) hatchling, left, thought to be about a month old, in an area where tuatara nests were found last year. “This is an extremely significant discovery,” said Raewyn Empson, the sanctuary conservation manager. “We have successfully reestablished a breeding population . . . which is a massive breakthrough.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

LETTER FROM THE BOSS……

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic

THE NEWS

Baby born on plane but left there by Polynesian mother: “A woman has given birth while flying to New Zealand from Western Samoa but left the baby behind on the plane after it landed in Auckland, authorities said. An Auckland Airport spokeswoman said it was not known if other passengers and crew on the Pacific Blue flight noticed the woman was in labour and “the baby was found on the aircraft” after landing this morning, NZPA reported. Police were called when the plane landed shortly before 7am (5am AEDT) and took mother and child to hospital. They were reported to be in good health, NZPA said.”

Is this the world’s most pointless surgery? “It’s not often you’d see humans so willing to help a three-metre crocodile get his bite back. But this is no ordinary crocodile. This is RoboCroc, the Miami maneater who’s become an overnight celebrity after veterinary surgeons bolted his head back together with a combination of screws and metal rods. RoboCroc arrived at the Miami Metrozoo last year after a car ran over his head, crushing his skull and snapping his snout. He hasn’t eaten for the past three months, but he has shown an uncanny knack for not wanting to die. Now, after four hours on the surgery table, RoboCroc’s carers are hoping he can show the same spirit and survive long enough to open his mouth and once again start terrorising local wildlife.

Weird bandit: “A hapless would-be armed bandit showed remarkable ineptitude when he asked a service station worker to notify police after his botched robbery, a court has heard. The Brisbane District Court was told Joshua Lee Ernst not only waited for police to arrest him, but simply gave up when the Brisbane service station attendant refused to hand over cash on August 29 last year. The prosecution revealed it was not Ernst’s first bungled robbery. Prosecutor Melina Litchen said Ernst had simply given up when a pizza store proprietor refused to hand over cash and told him to stop scaring his customers in November 2001. The court was told when the robbery failed Ernst, at the behest of a pizza shop customer, simply sat down and waited for police to come and arrest him. Ernst, 26, was today jailed for three-and-a-half years’ after he pleaded guilty to one count attempted armed robbery. Ms Litchen said Ernst, armed with a metal bar, entered the service station and demanded the attendant give him money. She said when the attendant said “no” he asked her to telephone police and have them come and arrest him. The court was told Ernst sat outside the station until police arrived.”

Debut flight of first flying car which can go from road to sky at the flick of a switch: “Since man first found himself trapped in traffic jams, we have dreamed of finding a way to leave the gridlock behind. Well dream no longer, for the world’s ‘first flying car’ has made its debut flight, soaring over the skies of the U.S.A. before touching down and – at the touch of a button – folds its wings away and hits the highway. The Terrafugia Transition can cruise at 115mph before driving ‘at highway speeds’ on the roads – and it can be safely stored in the garage. Carl Dietrich, creator of the Terrafugia, said: ‘This breakthrough changes the world of personal mobility – it’s what aviation enthusiasts have been striving for since 1918.’ The company claims its flying vehicle can soar 400 miles through the air on a single tank of gas. Meanwhile refueling involves no more than driving into the nearest forecourt and filling up with unleaded petrol.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Lincoln and Obama

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois legislature. Obama served in the Illinois legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

THE NEWS

Expensive Swedish harlot: “A 36-year-old Swedish countess divorcing a former CEO amid accusations of extramarital affairs is arguing she has too many expenses and cannot live on a mere $US43 million. Marie Douglas-David, a former investment banker, says she has no income and needs her 67-year-old husband, George David, to pay her more than $US53,000 a week – more than most US households make in a year – to cover her expenses. David stepped down last year as chief executive at Hartford-based United Technologies Corp in Connecticut, USA, but is still chairman of the board and has an estimated net worth of $US329 million. He and his wife accuse each other of extramarital affairs, and their divorce trial started on Wednesday.”

Man resigns from job by handing in notice on cake : “A man told his boss he was leaving his job by writing a resignation letter on a cake. Neil Berrett sugared the pill of his departure from Hunters Point Naval Shipyard, San Francisco, by announcing his intentions in icing. He posted a picture of the huge baked message on Flickr , the photo sharing website. In the letter, Mr Berrett wrote: “Dear Mr. Bowers – During the past three years, my tenure at the Hunters Point Naval Shipyard has been nothing short of pure excitement, joy and whim. “However, I have decided to spend more time with my family and attend to health issues that have recently arisen. I am proud to have been part of such an outstanding team and I wish this organization only the finest in future endeavors. “Please accept this cake as notification that I am leaving my position with NWT on March 27. Sincerely, W. Neil Berrett”. The picture of the cake-letter prompted dozens of messages of support from Mr Berrett’s followers on Flickr. Of these, most notable was that of “riversharkinc”, who announced that he intended to apply for Mr Berrett by offering to bake a version of his CV.”

Porno Czech air hostesss: “A budget airline stewardess will keep her job despite being exposed as a part-time porn star. Ryanair hostess Edita Schindlerova, 22, secretly appears on X-rated websites posing as Edita Bente, reports The Sun. But airline bosses have supported Miss Schindlerova, despite appearing in graphic photos showing her having sex with a mystery man. “What people do before or after they work for us is their business,” a Ryanair spokesman told The Sun. The paper claims the stewardess has confessed her raunchy antics to colleagues, telling one pal: “I had this s*** a year ago with a pilot with nothing better to do than check the Internet.” Miss Bente, who operates out of Stansted, Essex, also features in Ryanair’s 2009 calendar wearing silver high heels and a purple bikini.” [DON’T Google “Edita Bente” if you are at work]

Walking catfish spotted in the Thames by angler: “The air-breathing fish, which can survive out of water for ‘extended periods’ as it searches for water, was found in the Thames Estuary at Woolwich by angler Birol Koca. Mr Koca immediately phoned the Environment Agency who sent an officer to the scene to confirm the find. The walking catfish, or Clarias batrachus, is a species of freshwater airbreathing catfish found primarily in Southeast Asia. The fish, which could be a ‘significant risk’ to the environment, used its pectoral fins to ‘wiggle’ on land as it searches out a new home. Catfish can pose a threat to the environment if they escape into the wild by competing with native fish for food and habitats and spreading disease or parasites, the Environment Agency warned. In Florida the fish has become a ‘pest’ after it was brought over from Thailand in the 1960s. Residents of the US state regularly have to stop cars to wait for huge ‘shoals’ of the fish to pass as they shuffle along the road looking for water.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Odd travellers’ complaints

Travel specialists from around the world have compiled a list of complaints to prove the incredible lengths travellers will go to get compensation

One travel agent received a complaint from a tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant. The tourist said that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.

Another wacky incident saw a group of UFO-believers, who were holding a conference at a Novotel hotel, express their fears of being infiltrated by aliens because the locks on the meeting room doors hadn’t been changed.

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

Another Aussie hotel was told by a football star that his hotel room overlooking Sydney’s Manly beach was unsuitable because the sound of the sea kept him awake.

One Aussie traveller moaned that his hotel room “was decorated in a feminine manner”.

Other complaints included a panic-stricken woman who called reception and angrily protested that she was locked in her room. Staff later discovered that the woman, who had never stayed in a hotel before, had read the “do not disturb” sign on the inside doorknob and assumed she should not open it.

According to one British travel company’s survey, some travellers complained of not enjoying going away on holiday because foreigners “didn’t want to speak English”.

THE NEWS

British Keystone Kops again: “Sir Paul Stephenson, the new head of Scotland Yard, joined 80 officers in raids on a series of homes to break up a burglary ring. But all the meticulous planning behind the Met commissioner’s first action-packed foray into the public spotlight failed to establish a rather crucial fact – the whereabouts of a key suspect. With the Met’s helicopter hovering, Sir Paul’s team smashed through one front door at 6.30am yesterday. Unfortunately for the commissioner, and the reporters and photographers invited to witness the operation, the suspect was nowhere to be found – because he had been arrested several hours earlier…. the man had been arrested five hours earlier after an alleged break-in at a house in Kingston, South-West London. He had not been added to police records by the time Sir Paul mounted his raid in Kenley, near Purley, South London. When informed of the development, he said: ‘This is good news and a good result, we have got our man after all.’

Huge prehistoric monster: “A marine monster described as the most fearsome animal ever to swim in the oceans boasted a bite up to 11 times as strong as that of Tyrannosaurus rex. The fossil remains of the huge pliosaur were dug up last summer from the permafrost on Svalbard, a Norwegian island close to the North Pole. Analysis revealed that it was a turbo-charged swimmer. Its front flippers allowed the creature, dubbed Predator X, to cruise along comfortably but when prey came into range the power of its hind flippers kicked in to provide extra acceleration. Measurements of its jaw and the killing power of its dagger-like teeth have shown that it could bite down with a force of 33,000lb per square inch compared with T. rex’s 3,000lb per square inch. Alligators have the strongest bite today with about 2,500lb per square inch. Researchers have been astonished by the size of the reptile, which exceeded even that of another pliosaur, called The Monster, which was found at the same site a year earlier. Predator X is thought to have been at least 50 feet long, perhaps more, and measurements of its bulk suggest that it would have weighed in at 45 tonnes.”

Battery breakthrough promises phone, car revolution: “Think of an electric car that can accelerate swiftly to cruising speed, laptop computers that can recharge in a couple of minutes rather than hours and a generation of super-miniature mobile phones. That’s the vision sketched on Wednesday by a pair of scientists in the United States, unveiling an invention that they say could lead to a smaller, lighter and more power-packed lithium battery than anything available today. Current batteries made of lithium iron phosphate (LiFePO4) are good at storing large amounts of electricity but stumble at releasing it. They are better at dispensing the power in a steady flow than at discharging it or gaining it in a sudden burst. As a result, electric cars perform best when travelling along the motorway at a constant speed rather than when they are accelerating, and their batteries take hours to recharge when they run down. Until now, the finger of blame has pointed at charged lithium atoms. These ions, along with electrons, move too sluggishly through the battery material before arriving at the terminal to deliver their charge — or so it was thought. But a pair of materials experts at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) say the problem lies not with the ions but rather at how the ions gain access to nano-scale tunnels that riddle the material and transport the electrons to their destination. Their solution was a lithium phosphate coating that, like a system of feeder roads, nudges the ions towards the tunnels. The ions then zip instantly down the tunnel entrance and to the terminal. A small cellphone battery can be recharged in just 10 seconds thanks to the improved ion flow, they report in the British journal Nature. In theory, a large battery that would be used to power a plug-in hybrid electric car could be recharged in just five minutes, compared to up to six or eight hours at present.”

AIG means .: “The flap over bonuses at AIG, the broke and bailed-out insurance giant, has spawned a new U.S. parlor game – coming up with names for the initials. `Chad’ posted a request for suggestions Monday morning on the liberal blog Buzzflash. By Tuesday, suggestions that had come in included `America’s Insured Grifters,’ and two using `gonif,’ the Yiddish word for thief, `All American Gonif’ and `American Insurance Gonif.’ Other printable entries included `All Investments Gone’ and `All Integrity Gone.'”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Some oldies but goldies

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’ The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked. ‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

THE NEWS

UK study: Medieval British monks weren’t Robin Hood fans: “An academic says he’s found evidence that Britain’s legendary outlaw Robin Hood wasn’t as popular as folklore suggests. Julian Luxford says a note discovered in the margins of an ancient history book contains rare criticism of the supposedly benevolent bandit. According to legend, Robin Hood roamed 13th-century Britain from a base in central England’s Sherwood Forest, plundering from the rich to give to the poor. But Luxford, an art history lecturer at Scotland’s University of St. Andrews, says a 23-word inscription in the margins of a history book, written in Latin by a medieval monk around 1460, casts the outlaw as a persistent thief.”

Rare Superman comic brings $317,200 at sale : “A rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman has sold for $317,200 in an Internet auction. The previous owner had bought it for less than a buck. It’s one of the highest prices ever paid for a comic book, a likely testament to the volume’s rarity and its excellent condition, said Stephen Fishler, co-owner of the auction site ComicConnect.com and its sister dealership, Metropolis Collectibles. The winning bid for the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, which features Superman lifting a car on its cover, was submitted Friday evening by John Dolmayan, drummer for the rock band System of a Down, according to managers at ComicConnect.com. Dolmayan, who is also a dealer of rare comic books, said he acquired the Superman comic on behalf of a client he declined to identify.”

Australia: Politicians denies nude photographs are of her: “Pauline Hanson, the Australian far-right politician, has denied risque pictures published in Australian newspapers at the weekend are of her and offered to show her belly button to prove it. The photographs, allegedly taken 30 years ago after a drunken night out purport to show the former One Nation leader partially naked and in skimpy lingerie. But this morning Ms Hanson, who is contesting the Gold Coast seat of Beaudesert in next week’s Queensland state elections went on radio and television to insist the pictures are not her, offering to bare her belly button to compare it with that of the woman in the pictures.”

Borat still having fun: “Sacha Baron Cohen has tricked his way into the Alabama National Guard, briefly taking part in training. The Associated Press reports the actor, best known as Borat, posed as a German journalist and was given a uniform to join the troops. But the stunt came to an abrupt end when a cadet recognised him and informed his superiors. Staff Sergeant Katrina Timmins told AP the situation was “an embarrassment”, while Cohen’s spokesman declined to comment. The incident comes just months after the star was taken to a police station after performing an outrageous stunt at Italian Fashion Week. In the guise of another of his creations, flamboyant Austrian fashion reporter BRUNO, the British comedian stormed onto the catwalk during the Agata Luiz della Prada show in Milan. Dressed in a velcro suit he was quickly bundled away by security guards and taken to a nearby police station. He was released without charge.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Being led around like sheep

Now you know what that means

THE NEWS

Two million British households now have spy devices in their garbage bins: “Two million households now have microchips in their bins in a move by councils that paves the way for the introduction of a pay-as-you-throw bin tax. Figures released using the Freedom of Information Act show 42 local authorities have installed the ‘spy’ devices in rubbish containers to record how much residents are throwing away. Councils insist the information collected by the microchips, which measure the weight of rubbish placed in bins, will be used to educate households about cutting waste, targeting those who are the worst at recycling. Opponents, however, say the technology will make it easy for the government to resurrect plans for the introduction of a $75 pay-as-you-throw tax on millions of families.”

Blenheim Palace wins garden of the year: “Landscaped by Capability Brown in the 18th century, the 80 acres of formal garden see half a million visitors every year and were recently used as a location for some scenes in the film The Young Victoria. The grounds have often been overshadowed by the magnificence of the baroque house, which features three flamboyant state rooms and was declared a World Heritage Site in 1987. Now Blenheim Palace, at Woodstock, near Oxford, has been named Garden of the Year by the Historic Houses Association in the 25th annual competition sponsored by auction house, Christie’s. The family seat of the Duke of Marlborough, it is also the birthplace of Sir Winston Churchill and the place where Britain’s future wartime leader proposed to Miss Clementine Hozier in 1908.”

Using a laser to zap mosquitoes?: “American scientists are making a ray gun to kill mosquitoes. Using technology developed under the Star Wars anti-missile programme, the zapper is being built in Seattle where astrophysicists have created a laser that locks onto airborne insects. Scientists have speculated for years that lasers might be used against mosquitoes, which kill nearly 1m people a year through malaria. The laser – dubbed a weapon of mosquito destruction (WMD) – has been designed with the help of Lowell Wood, one of the astrophysicists who worked on the original Star Wars plan to shield America from nuclear attack. “We like to think back then we made some contribution to the ending of the cold war,” Dr Jordin Kare, another astrophysicist, told The Wall Street Journal. “Now we’re just trying to make a dent in a war that’s claimed a lot more lives.” The WMD laser works by detecting the audio frequency created by the beating of mosquito wings. A computer triggers the laser beam, the mosquito’s wings are burnt off and its smoking carcass falls to the ground. The research is backed by Bill Gates, the Microsoft billionaire. It is speculated that lasers could shield villages or be fired at swarming insects from patrolling drone aircraft. “You could kill billions of mosquitoes a night,” said one expert.”

Kid Krohn, a leading Republican at just 14: “Move over, Rush Limbaugh – there’s a new kid on the Republican block. America’s conservative radio stations have found a different right-wing darling and the only problem for Jonathan Krohn, as the US media queue to talk to him, is that his mother will not let him have his own mobile phone. Two weeks after his 14th birthday, Krohn is being hailed as a political prodigy comparable to William Hague, the British Conservative who shot to national attention in 1977, aged 16, when he addressed his party’s annual conference. Krohn has already written an 86-page book on American conservatism and last month addressed thousands of right-wing Republicans at their annual convention in Washington. He is now under siege from the American media. “I’ve been booked for interview after interview after interview,” he said from his home in Duluth, Georgia, last week. “I can’t remember how many, you’d have to look at my website.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Consolation

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I’m half blind,

Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

THE NEWS

British bars keep only 10% of their profits: “JD Wetherspoon, the pub operator, has accused the Government of making “opportunistic tax grabs”. The company, which recently began a 99p-a-pint promotion, said that while it had made a post-tax profit of 17.3 million pounds in the half-year to January 25, it had generated 190 million for the Treasury’s coffers. The tax generated over the six-month period comprised 79 million in VAT, 53 million of excise duty, PAYE and national insurance of 30 million, property taxes of 18 million and corporation tax of 10 million. Tim Martin, the group’s chairman, said that the level of tax being levied on the trade was contributing to the closure of pubs in record numbers – according to recent figures 39 a week. He said that each of Wetherspoon’s pubs generated average taxes of 530,000 pounds but earned only 50,000 pounds in after-tax profits. “The Government seems not to understand the economic impact of new taxes and legislation and continues to impose new burdens at a huge rate.”

Marmalade festival: “As Sunday morning services go, this one is rather unusual. “Let us remember in our prayers those who grow fruit and those who process fruit. Especially oranges,” the vicar intones. “Let us remember in our prayers those who make marmalade. And those who eat it.” There are more than a few of the latter in the pews of St Andrew’s Church in the Lake District village of Dacre. The service marks the last day of the week-long World’s Original Marmalade Festival, when the winners of its much-anticipated marmalade competition will be announced. Marmalade-makers from the UK and abroad have submitted their wares for categories ranging from the traditional Dark & Chunky and Seville Orange, to best Military, Clergy and even Political marmalades. “Marmalade brings out the whole eccentricity of the English,” says the festival’s founder, Jane Hasell-McCosh, a self-confessed “marmalade bore” who was taught how to make it by her mother.”

PA: Sofas may be “no-no” on Pittsburgh porches : “A member of the Pittsburgh City Council said legislation could soon be passed that would ban all sofas, love seats and mattresses from non-enclosed porches. Councilman Bruce Kraus said the proposal is a precaution to prevent the furniture from being used in celebratory fires, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette said Thursday. . The council voted in support of the measure and if finalized, the ban would fine those keeping sofas and mattresses on non-enclosed porches at least $200 per day until the offending pieces of furniture are removed.”

Fleeing thief takes a wrong turn into police station: “A suspected bank robber being chased by police mistakenly pulled into a police station parking lot in Southfield in suburban Detroit – and promptly was arrested. Police said the Detroit man, 24, had held up a bank in Southfield and fled in a car. When patrol officers tried to pull him over, the suspect led them on a chase until he made a wrong turn into the parking lot of a Civic Centre where the Southfield police department was located. Police cars hemmed the getaway vehicle in, and police arrested the driver. A handgun believed to have been used in the robbery was found in the vehicle”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

French jokes

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.

How can you recognise a French veteran?
Sunburned armpits.

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.

Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
Because it was raining.

Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?

Because she has only one arm raised.

Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?
They vote with both hands.

Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?
It doesn’t exist.

Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

What does ‘Maginot’ mean in German?
Welcome!

Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army?
Because it’s made up of foreigners.

What does the new French flag look like?
A white cross emblazoned on a white background.

What’s the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least ten languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without outside help.

Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
To see all their other ships.

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
‘Table for 100,000, monsieur?’

Why are the French afraid of war?
You would be, too, if you had never won one.

How do you stop a French army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.

What’s the best thing about being French?
You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you.

‘I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.’
General George S. Patton.

How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?
‘Never fired, only dropped once.’

THE NEWS

Men prefer heavier playmates in a recession: “How much do we need in order to weather the recession? About two pounds, on average, it turns out. The Daily Beast reports today on the research work of Dr Leif Nelson of NYU’s Stern Business School. Dr Nelson designed a series of experiments: to investigate the question of whether men’s preferences in female bodily dimensions change during times of “resource scarcity”. Two experiments induced a feeling of financial insecurity before asking about their preferences in women, and two others involved polling before and after a meal. The results? Nelson’s findings were stubbornly consistent. The male subjects who were made to feel insecure about their finances reported a preference for women who were, on average, roughly two pounds heavier than their financially confident counterparts. Similarly, Nelson’s hungry subjects reported an affinity for a heavier (by roughly three pounds) female partner than those subjects who were tested when they were full. Nelson explains that the average of two pounds was small because for some, hunger and poverty doesn’t make a difference, while for others the difference it made was substantial.”

Self-repairing car paint ‘makes scrapes vanish’: “Scratches in car paintwork could become a thing of the past thanks to research that has made self-repairing paint a realistic possibility. Scientists in the United States have developed a type of polyurethane coating that mends itself in less than an hour when exposed to sunlight. They plan to develop it as a paint for cars and other surfaces that are subjected to heavy wear and tear, as well as in new forms of packaging, clothing and biomedical products such as bandages. Marek Urban and Biswajit Ghosh, of the University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg, created the material using a natural substance found in the shells of crabs and shrimps. The coating consists of a network of ring-shaped molecules known as oxetanes, which split open when damaged, exposing two reactive ends. When this is exposed to ultraviolet light from the Sun, a chemical reaction allows a material called chitosan, which is found in crab shells, to repair the broken rings. ”

Australia: Prized fish just ready to be picked up: “Massive barramundi were there for the picking after floodwaters surged through north Queensland, leaving them lying stunned below a spillway. Stunning pictures show locals with their huge prize catches, which required no more effort than picking up from the spillway at Lake Moondarra. However this stroke of luck is the exception in the Gulf country, with the highly prized barra largely eluding commercial fishermen and disappearing into the many networks of the huge inland sea that has arisen with the floods. “They’ve gone,” said skipper Roger Honey of the Miss Bernadette, unloading half his usual catch in the fishing port of Karumba on the Gulf of Carpentaria. “They’ve disappeared in the fresh water into places we can’t get a go at them.”

Ignored student sues airline for $1.5 million over lost Xbox: “A Yale University student from Ohio has filed a lawsuit seeking US$1 million (A$1.5 million) from US Airways for a video game console he says was taken from his luggage. Twenty-one-year-old Jesse Maiman alleges that during a flight from New Haven, Conneticuit to Cincinnati in December, his Xbox 360 with a specialized hard drive disappeared from his luggage. Maiman says he got what he called “an unconscionable run-around” from the airline. He’s asking $1700 for the loss of the gaming system and for the maximum damages allowable, or $1 million. Maiman filed the suit Monday in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court. A US Airways spokeswoman said the airline was unaware of the suit but noted that the government limits liability for lost luggage to US$3300 per bag.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

New medications for women

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person ”

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

THE NEWS

British motorist takes car for checkup and garage hands it out as courtesy car : “Joanne Bardhi, 24, of Bootle, Merseyside, had waited patiently at Carcraft on the East Lancs Road, thinking her white Mini was being checked while it was actually being taken on a 220-mile round trip to Shropshire by another motorist. Mechanics only realised their mistake when Miss Bardhi asked for her keys. She said: “I took my car in for an MoT at 10am and was told it was ready about an hour later. But when they went to get the keys they said they couldn’t find them. “They then quickly realised what had happened and tried to get in touch with the driver who had been given it. “I was just in shock. They gave someone else my car while I was still on site. They ushered me home with a courtesy car which had no petrol in it. “It was only when I calmed down that I realised that my house keys were on my key ring and in the car was a letter with my address. When contacted over Saturday’s incident Carcraft’s Marketing Director Julie Phipps said: “Regretfully Ms Bardhi’s car was accidentally mistaken for one of our courtesy cars. “We have apologised sincerely to Ms Bardhi and have agreed compensation.” Ms Bardhi has been offered $750 in compensation as well as changes to all the locks on her house.”

Man fined for howling like a dog in front yard of his home: “Howling like a dog in his front yard has cost a man $400. Dwayne Ellwin Boyd, 34, entered an endorsed plea of guilty to disorderly behaviour in public in Mandurah Magistrates Court. The court was told that on January 14 police attended a home in Greenfields, south of Perth, because an intoxicated man had been howling loudly in his front yard. Police prosecutor Senior Constable Mick Fallows said police asked Boyd to quieten down, but later he yelled abuse at neighbours and continued howling. Magistrate Terence McIntyre said Boyd was “carrying on like an idiot.”

Cheesh! Man hitches ride on shark: “Wildlife Man” David Ireland, the 62-year-old Sydney documentary maker, has hitched a ride on a unpredictable lemon shark. The adventurer said the shark enjoyed the experience so much it kept coming back for more. Ireland has just returned from Bora Bora in French Polynesia where he was filmed “shark wrangling” as part of his next project – a movie which combines fictional drama and wildlife documentary. Ireland, who has earned global recognition for the 20 documentaries he’s made for Discovery Channel, said yesterday his latest project was the biggest yet.”

Terminally ill British boy given truancy warning: “A Shepshed school has apologised for sending a letter about truancy to the mother of a boy suffering from leukaemia after she asked to take him out of classes to meet the Pope. Louise Yates, of Cumbrian Way, wants to take her six-year-old son Travis on a two-day trip to the Vatican in June for a blessing with the Pope. But when she asked for permission from St Botolph’s School she was sent a letter about truancy and a copy of his attendance record. After granting permission, the school has now apologised. In a statement, it said: “We are aware of Travis’ illness and have given permission for him to travel to Rome during term-time. “Government guidance suggests sending attendance information out with permission letters, but we appreciate in this instance it may not have been appropriate and we would like to apologise if this has caused the family any offence.” Ms Yates said she thought her son deserved some discretion given his illness. She told the BBC: “You’re not talking about a kid playing truant here, it’s a terminal illness.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Beer bottle dominoes

For the scientifically-inclined, it is an interesting example of the conservation of energy (I think)

THE NEWS

Woman all cut up: “Some sexual experimentation landed an American woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget. The Maryland woman was flown to hospital on Monday after she was injured in the incident involving a sex toy attached to a sabre saw blade, according to NBCWashington.com. The man who called 911 about the incident admitted attaching the sex toy to the saw and then using the high-powered, homemade device on his partner, the St Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office said. NBCWashington.com reported the saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman. The injuries were severe enough for her to be flown to hospital but she was released on Tuesday. NBCWashington.com said the woman told police she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed.”

Planning of the apes: Chimp plots rock attack on visitors : “Think people are the only ones who can plan for the future? You may change your mind when you hear the story of Santino the chimpanzee, whose premeditated attacks on zoo visitors are described today in Current Biology. . zookeepers began to notice that Santino had developed a habit of throwing stones at zoo visitors, who were safely situated behind a five-foot- (1.5-meter-) high fence. . Workers wondered where Santino was getting his ammunition (there weren’t many stones just laying around the island) and decided to investigate. One morning, they discovered several piles of three to five stones carefully placed along the waterfront. They suspected that Santino must have been stockpiling them in anticipation of throwing them .. Over the years, Santino’s operation has become increasingly sophisticated, Osvath says, progressing from simple gathering to fabrication. He has been observed chipping away at the concrete rocks on the island with his hands to sculpt dessert plate-size discs to launch at zoo visitors. In the past decade, zoo workers have witnessed him throwing stones on about 50 separate occasions. Santino has managed to hit a handful of gawkers during his assaults but, happily, none have been injured.”

Erotic underarms?? “Anti-porn protesters are threatening to ban a traditional Indonesian folk dance because female dancers are showing their underarms. West Java Governor Ahmad Heryawan has warned dancers of the jaipong dance – performed at official ceremonies and cultural festivals – to tone down their erotic moves and hide their underarms to comply with the law. Islamic parties are also targeting the dance ahead of the April general elections, after parliament passed a controversial anti-porn law in December. “The dance shouldn’t be too erotic,” Tifatul Sembiring, a senior leader of the Islam-based Prosperous Justice Party, said. “It’s true that in the ’80s the jaipong dancers danced on tables in seedy places. Even now you can see them wearing tight clothes dancing at roadside bars,” he said. “The worry is that once the anti-porn bill is fully implemented, the dance may be banned because it’s too erotic.”

Germany: Gran scares off bailiff : “A German granny gave a bailiff the kiss-off – by snogging him as he raided her home over a credit card bill. The 6ft 6ins man fled when 5ft tall Sandra Hertzog showered him with kisses as he tried to get into the family house in Telgte, western Germany. When the 58-year-old opened the door and saw the bailiff, she threw her arms around him and tried to reach up to give him a kiss on the lips. The bailiff managed to release himself from the granny’s vice-like grip and fled back to his base to report the incident to his boss. `I wasn’t trying to scare him off,’ said Hertzog. `He just looked like such a hunk standing there I felt like giving him a kiss. There’s no law against that is there?’ she continued. Now police are investigating the incident after the bailiff reported his attacker for alleged assault.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.