YOU JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IFSeptember 19, 2016 at 2:00 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
(Courtesy of Jeff Foxworthy)
You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Odd news from around the world
Plus-size model comes in second in Miss Italy contest – despite cruel trolls who said she’s ‘too fat’ to be a beauty queen: “A fashion model launched a body shamming assault on a Miss Italy contestant who came second claiming she is ‘too fat’ to be a beauty queen. Contestant Paola Torrente, who is a size 14 wowed fans with her ample figure when she came in second to Rachele Risaliti during the Miss Italy 2016 in Angri, Salerno. The 22-year-old engineering student, who measures up at 5 foot 9 inches, was a hugely popular choice with the audience and fans and was met with thousands of comments of support. But Croatian model Nina Moric, 40, launched a body shaming assault on her Instagram account claiming Miss Torrente was only chosen because of ‘political correctness’ and was joined by other online trolls.
The cat that likes golf balls: “Members at Aldeburgh Golf Club have the usual hazards to contend with when they tee off… bunkers, trees, the odd side wind. But they are currently facing a unique test of their skills at the 408-yard 14th hole. A cat called Merlin has started creeping on to the fairway and stealing balls after they bounce to a standstill. The problem is so bad that the Suffolk club has had to introduce a ‘local rule’, approved by the sport’s governing body The Royal and Ancient in St Andrews, to take into account ‘abnormal conditions’. A sign on the notice board warns: ‘A large brown Burmese cat has been seen picking up and carrying away golf balls in the vicinity of the 14th hole.’ It informs players the cat is being treated as an ‘outside agency’ – referring to the ball being moved by someone other than the player or caddy – allowing a substitute ball to be dropped without a penalty, unless it is in the rough.
House proud grandmother, SEVENTY-SIX, perches on a window ledge outside her fifth floor apartment to clean: “Onlookers were left stunned when they spotted a 76-year-old grandmother perched perilously on a fifth-floor window ledge – cleaning her windows. House proud Mo Kam Tai regularly balances on the towering ledge above Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, to do her cleaning. Her son keeps telling her to stop, but she insists nobody else can do the job to her high standards, and carries on with her death-defying routine. Mo who moved to Glasgow from Hong Kong 25 years ago, lives in a fifth-floor flat towering above Sauchiehall Street. ‘It’s important to keep your house and windows clean. Any woman will tell you that,’ said the mother-of-three. ‘Nothing gets between mum and her housework,’ said Mo’s son Alan. ‘No matter how often we tell her not to go on to the window ledge, she ignores us”
Bizarre police chase. Bearded muscle-man jumps from a moving car and strips to his leopard-print underwear before leaping into a river and refusing to come out for TWO HOURS: “A Queensland man who jumped from his moving car and stripped down to his underwear ended his bizarre tirade in a two-hour stand off with police. The 26-year-old was driving erratically along Flinders Parade on Sunday before he stripped down and jumped into the water at Sandgate, a coastal suburb north of Brisbane. ‘There were two cops and the guy was driving with his door open like the whole time, and he was almost teasing them, that’s what we thought,’ a witness told 7News. Residents called the police after he began swerving towards other vehicles and cyclists, and hit a van after jumping from his own moving car. Police were unable to get the man, who was believed to be on drugs, to cooperate. The man later surrendered but at least a dozen officers pulled the man ashore where he was handcuffed and taken to Redcliffe Hospital”
This boss advocates for five-hour workday, insisting it BOOSTS productivity: “Employees of the world, rejoice! An entrepreneur who appeared on ABC’s Shark Tank insists a five-hour workday has increased productivity at his company. Stephan Aarstol put his employees on a 8am to 1pm workday, saying: ‘The point of life is not work. I would say work is this thing you do to finance your life.’ Aarstol started a paddle board company with the help of investor Mark Cuban on the entrepreneurial TV show, and is now making the case for his business model in a new book. While the five-hour workday sounds like an opportunity to kick back and relax, Aarstol said he threatened to fire any employees who didn’t manage to pack their eight-hour day into just five. In his book, Aarstol pointed to the incredible growth his company experienced as evidence that his business model was headed in the right direction”
And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.