I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

August 17, 2016 at 8:42 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become. The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old person.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I’m not sure who I am anymore! Newest problem – I’m not sure which bathroom I should use.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Deranged woman: “Many women dream of fuller lips and that perfect pout. But one mother has revealed how she splashed out nearly £2,000 on lip fillers in order to achieve her dream mouth. Alia Byrne, from Liverpool, has had 6.5ml of dermal fillers injected into her lips in just under a year to give her the super size trout pout she’s always wanted. And while Alia, 30, admits that she gets strange looks and has been criticised she says she wants her lips to be even bigger. She explained: ‘My new lips have given me so much confidence. Sometimes I do get stares down the street and my mum has told me to stop getting lip fillers. ‘But it doesn’t bother me. It’s my life and lips and I don’t care.’ Single mother Alia, who has a two-year-old son, says that her fillers are the only time she splurges on herself. ‘Everything I have goes to my child. I have always lived my life for my son and getting fillers is something I’ve done just for me,’ the care worker explained.”

Cheeky squirrel is caught photobombing couple’s engagement picture: “Hands to its mouth and munching on a snack this squirrel appears unperturbed by the romantic proceedings going on behind him. Meanwhile, Kelin Flanagan and Spencer Taubner seem to be unaware of the photobombing critter as they engage in a passionate kiss on a rock in the Canadian Rockies. The couple, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, said they are delighted with the result of their engagement photo shoot, adding that the squirrel has been a source of amusement for friends and family. The couple had planned to hike to Helen Lake, but when bad weather hit Banff National Park, Alberta, they decided to take some pictures in a rocky area close to the trail when they spotted two squirrels. The pictures were taken by Marcin and Dorota Karpowicz of BDFK Photography, who confirmed the picture was genuine. ‘On our way back we saw a nice spot for the photos ― a kind of stony area. When we started shooting, the squirrel showed up,’ Marcin told the Huffington Post”

Switchel, a drink first created by Amish farmers, is the latest trend with fitness enthusiasts: “It’s known as ‘nature’s gatorade’ and is said to be filled with endless goodness. But despite it only becoming a mainstream trend recently, Switchel is by no means a new creation. Created by Amish farmers to keep them hydrated during long days in the field, the electrolyte-filled drink can easily be put together in any kitchen. Containing ginger, lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and maple syrup, not only is Switchel filled with health benefits, but it also tastes sensational. Although the recipe has been around for centuries, the exact health benefits of the drink aren’t completely known. Full of natural goodness in the form of sodium, calcium and potassium, it’s set to be one of 2016’s biggest hits among fitness enthusiasts”

Woman checks in at Virgin America wearing just her underwear: “A young woman checking into a Virgin America flight brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘travelling light’ when she turned up with just a pair of underpants on her lower half. The blonde passenger shocked those queuing behind her at the check-in desk after brazenly speaking to a member of staff with her bottom exposed. Oblivious to the shock of the people in the queue behind her, the otherwise smartly-attired lady, who is wearing a beige blazer and a pair of black ballet pumps, leans against the counter as the member of staff in front of her makes a phone call. One person questioned whether the air conditioning had broken down at the airport, because the Virgin America employee also appeared to be suffering from the heat with two electric fans directed at her face”

Researchers spot bizarre ‘googly-eyed’ stubby squid 900 feet down on the sea floor off California: “It looks uncannily like something you’d expect to see on Sesame Street – and not on the seabed 900 metres down. The amazing video of the googly-eyed squid has gone viral after it was spotted off the coast of California by a research vessel. The stubby squid was spotted by the the E/V Nautilus, which uses a remotely operated underwater vehicle to explore the ocean floor. Stubby squid live in the Northern Pacific between Japan and Southern California, and are usually spotted at a depth of about 300 meters. This species spends life on the seafloor, activating a sticky mucus jacket and burrowing into the sediment to camouflage, leaving their eyes poking out to spot prey like shrimp and small fish. The team later determined the cephalopod was a Stubby squid — also known as Rossia pacifica — which is closely related to cuttlefish, according to a description of the video posted by the team that captured the footage”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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