18 Jokes So Stupid, They’re FunnyMay 21, 2016 at 5:32 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
1.) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2.) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything.”
3.) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5.) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6.) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7.) “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
8.) An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9.) Déjà Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
10.) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
11.) A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t sir, I’ve cut off your arms!”
12.) I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
13.) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!”
14.) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
15.) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
16.) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
17.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18.) There was once a man who sent ten puns to the Pun Master, with the hope that they would satisfy him. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Odd news from around the world
Come to the gym buit leave your tits behind? “A Canadian woman has sparked outrage after accusing a local gym of discriminating against her because of her chest size. Jenna Vecchio is a member of the Movati Athletic Club in Orleans, Ontario. In great shape, the young woman seems to hit the gym often — but may not go back to this one in the future after employees called her out on her attire. So what was the ‘offensive’ outfit that she was told was off-limits? A black racerback tank top that she wore over full-length leggings, which was no different from the tank tops worn by several other women at the gym that day. Jenna, who goes by Rose Nickels on Facebook, insists that she was singled out because her breasts are large, and that supervisors at the gym even confirmed that was the case.
Fussy butcher: “A butcher decided to make sure he got the right employee by posting a very direct advert for Saturday staff. The butcher advertised for Saturday staff and the list of requirements read: ‘No drama queens, no drunks, no drug addicts, no emotional wrecks, no mummy’s boys, no scruffs.’ But in bright-red pen to emphasise his point, William added: ‘Hard working – yes.’ Haydn Clarke pointed out: ‘Bit picky aren’t they.’ While Janelle McKinley added the description meant ‘basically noone’ would be able to fill the criteria. While others felt maybe the reason there was a need to hire was because of the attitude. But William Rose felt it was a good way to show he wanted somebody serious about the job and it has resulted in numerous applications. ‘95% of the reaction has been positive and been accepted as good humour, and we’re giving a trial to two ladies this morning, as females make up 40 per cent of our workforce.’
Showboating motorcyclist wipes himself out: “The footage was captured by Reece Packard in Shipley, Derbyshire, who claims the man had been showing off during a Bike Night meet in the area. The video maker alleges that security had asked the man to leave but he refused and continued to pull wheelies on his dirt bike. In the clip, the biker can be seen racing towards the security guard, dressed in a high visibility jacket, and pulling a wheelie in front of him. At first everything appears to be going to plan for the biker as he hurtles past the man while travelling at speed on his back wheel. However, seconds later he starts to wobble and the video maker captures him falling backwards off his motorcycle. The man is then seen taking a nasty tumble as his bike, which appears to have been destroyed after hitting the ground, bounces around in front of him”
Elderly Scotswoman crosses the road with a giant inflatable penis: “Shoppers were given quite a shock when a pensioner took an inflatable penis for a walk around Inverness. A hilarious video of the bizarre scene was captured by motorist Paul Williamson on a dashcam while driving around the city centre. It later emerged that the 70-year-old had bought the bouncy member as part of a fancy dress outfit, although it is not clear what character she was supposed to be. Clearly visible, poking out of her trolley and pointing towards the sky, is a 4ft inflatable plastic penis. The video was recorded in 2014 but kept under wraps until Paul decided a few days ago to share it. Pushing along in a trolley is an elderly lady and her friend, who appear oblivious to the strange looks they are attracting from passers-by. Claire Stewart added: ‘Love that it’s inflated and casually placed in her basket”
‘Forty-year-old virgin penguins is a movie I’d pay to see!’: “People have been taking to Twitter to share the hilarious mishaps that ensue when cinema listing boards get mixed up. A firm reminder of the importance of punctuation and spacing, the misplaced movie titles appear to describe the names of films that sound far more interesting than the originals. Dad of three Ste Lewis, from St Alban’s, posted a snap of a cinema advertising 2005 comedy The 40-year-old virgin alongside Penguins (the children’s animated film Penguins of Madagascar hit cinemas at around the same time). Film critic Chloe Catchpole shared an IMAX cinema listings board, which inadvertently merged a sci-fi blockbuster with a romantic comedy, resulting in ‘Transformers Sex Tape’. Chloe also shared a sign advertising ‘Pirates Knocked Up Shrek’. ‘So many diverse films out there,’ she joked. She poked fun at a sign that read, ‘Just Go With It Sucker Punch Justin Bieber,’ writing: ‘This is a bit harsh’. One of the more crude offerings came from James Coatsworth, who posted a photos of a billboard that seemed to have mixed three films into one, reading: ‘Erin Brockovich screwed my dog skip'”
And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.