An excellent Jewish joke

May 18, 2016 at 1:55 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he’s ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, “Actor Needed To Play An Ape.” “I could do that,” says Moishe.

To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to the recent budget cuts and the Great Recession, they can no longer afford to import an ape to replace the deceased one, so, until they can get the money, they’ll put an actor in an ape suit instead.

Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move.

But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a decent show for all the zoo-goers.

Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might while beating on his chest. Soon, he’s drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, while Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hands slip and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion’s den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, “Shama Yisroel Adonoi Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!”

The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars; “Baruch Shem K’vod Malchuso! L’olam Va’ed”

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, “Shut up you schmucks, you’ll get us all fired!

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Woman follows GPS into lake: “In years past motorists were at the mercy of road maps, sign postings and the view out their windshield. These days, we have a computer with a selection of ethereal yet authoritative voices to tell us which turn to take. But as a 23-year-old Canadian woman found out, that method doesn’t always pan out so well. According to the Toronto Sun, the woman was following a route on her car’s GPS while driving in the dark on a foggy night in Ontario when it directed her to drive onto a boat launch, and she ended up in a lake. Despite the vehicle becoming completely submerged in the icy water the woman was able to wind down her window and escape without any injury, according to the police report. “She’s in really good spirits,” Constable Katrina Rubinstein-Gilbert told the paper. “Of course a little embarrassed, but taking it all in stride.”

$130 Babel Fish-like gadget fits inside your ear to translate foreign languages in real-time: “If trying to order dinner or find your hotel abroad fills you with fear due to your abysmal grasp of foreign languages, don’t panic. A forthcoming in-ear gadget is claimed to be able to translate speech like the Babel Fish in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or the Universal Translator gadget in Star Trek. The system, dubbed the Pilot, comprises two earpieces to be worn by two people who do not speak the same language and uses an app so the duo can converse with ease. It is claimed to be the first ‘smart earpiece’ capable of translating between two languages. The company behind the technology, Waverly Labs, said: ‘This little wearable uses translation technology to allow two people to speak different languages but still clearly understand each other.'”

Young boy from Brazil completes a Rubik’s Cube ONE-HANDED in just 27 seconds: “His fingers are working so fast that they barely appear to be moving and his face does not give anything away. But little more than 27 seconds later, the video shows seven-year-old Chan Hong Lik’s face breaks into a smile as he throws the Rubik’s Cube he solved one-handed onto the table. The Rubik’s Cube enthusiast from Curitiba, Brazil, has been taking part in championship speedcuber events since he was just four years old and when he is using two hands he is even faster. In November, the young puzzle expert managed to solve a three-by-three Rubik’s Cube in just 8.72 seconds. However, Chan has a little way to go if he wants to be the fastest in the world. The Rubik’s Cube world record is currently held by Lucas Etter, a 14-year-old boy from Kentucky, who became the first person to break the five-second barrier for unscrambling a three-by-three-by-three puzzle. He solved the puzzle in an astonishing 4.904 seconds at a school in Clarksville, Maryland, in November.

Going to church could save your life: Women who worship once a week are ’25 per cent less likely to die early’: “Going to church is not only good for the soul, it can also stop you dying young, a study claims. A weekly worship can slash your chances of dying early by a quarter if you are female. Attending just once a week was associated with a lower risk of death for women from all causes, cardiovascular disease and cancer, the study which spanned over 20 years found. Researchers believe optimism and a sense of community can combat the effects of stress and depression, resulting in longer life. Dr Tyler VanderWeele, a professor of epidemiology of Harvard’s school of public health, examined attendance at religious services and subsequent death in women. It was assessed using questionnaires from between 1992 and 2012. Researchers used data from the Nurses’ Health Study in the analysis published in JAMA Internal Medicine.” Women who attended religious services more than once per week had a 33 per cent lower risk of death compared with women who never attended religious services”

What big eyes you’ve got: “Most spiders have a cluster of eight eyes that help them target and capture their prey. But staring out like two huge black holes, two of the ogre-faced spider’s eyes have become abnormally enlarged. Now a new study has revealed these huge peepers allow the spider, also known as Deinopis spinosa, or net-casting spider, to hunt for prey at night. The Deinopis spinosa spider has the largest eyes of all known arachnids. While at a glance they appear to have just two eyes, they actually have eight eyes like other species, but the large posterior median eyes are extremely enlarged. Other spiders tend to hunt in the air, casting nets to capture flying prey. But in the ogre-faced spider – so called due to its ugly features – it strikes its insect prey from the front. The spiders’ extraordinary vision system helps it do this. As prey that live on the ground, such as crickets, tends to be bigger, it tends to also be of higher nutritional value to the spider”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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