A Man’s Age, as shown by a trip to the hardware store

January 23, 2016 at 8:48 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You’re in the middle of some kind of project around the house – mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You’re hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow-dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you’re doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror: still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you’re doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to the hardware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you’re doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says ‘I Got Worms.’

In your 60s: Stop what you’re doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you’re doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and then you realize that something is hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s: Stop what you’re doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to Target instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s & beyond: What’s a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

TRIPLE barrel shotgun launched at Las Vegas firearms show: “Over 64,000 gun fans have descended on Las Vegas for the first major gun show of 2016 – and a triple barrel shotgun is among the new weapons on display at the Shooting, Hunting and Outdoor Trade Show. Called the Triple Crown, its maker Chiappa launched new models at the show. At first glance, it looks just like a normal shotgun – but actually has a third barrel above the traditional two. The firing sequence of the barrel is right, left top, although on some models of the shotgun this can be changed. It fires standard 20 and 28 gauge cartridges. The shotgun was first revealed in 2013, but this year the firm behind it has two new versions, a 20 and 28 gauge. Both the new gauges have a 26-inch barrel and the overall length of the shotgun is 43 inches. The new shotguns will retail for approximately $2,039 – $2,079, according to Fox News”.

Volvo promises ‘DEATHPROOF’ cars by 2020: “Volvo has promised that by 2020, no one will be killed or seriously injured by one of its new cars. The Swedish company, which has built its reputation on safety, says a world where nobody dies in car accidents is closer than most people think. It maintains that the solution to a crash-free world lies in self-driving cars, but a host of high-tech safety features are making drivers safer – and better – in the meantime. The past decade has seen dramatic development by various automakers in the field of collision-avoidance technology. Blind-spot detectors now watch for oncoming vehicles, adaptive cruise controls reduce speed based on cars ahead, and camera systems warn drivers when they drift out of their lanes. Detectors can even pick up on a drowsy driver’s subtle changes in behavior to indicate it’s time for a break. ‘The long term vision is that cars shouldn’t crash,’ said Volvo spokesman Jim Trainor.”

Some Irish plumbing: “This apprentice plumber was just moments away from finishing work when his boss came in to check on his progress. The young man said he thought he had done ‘not too bad’ a job in fitting his first ever toilet, proudly running his hand over the lid as he spoke. It was only when his boss asked him to close the door that he realised he had made one fatal mistake. Ready to point out the mistake that has been made, the boss asks: ‘You wouldn’t do me a favour? Close that door there for me.’ It is only when the apprentice reaches for the handle that he realises the toilet is in the way and will stop the door from closing. In a moment of pure frustration he shouts, ‘ah for f***’s sake!’ and slaps the toilet as his boss and another colleague laugh in the background.

Gunman shoots a South African police officer in the back while he was writing a ticket. But cop fires back and chases him: “The shooter, a man in a grey hoodie, jeans and a blue baseball cap, is seen walking through the bush at the side of the road before standing in front of the police car, putting himself in direct view of the dash cam. The gunman then approaches Mr Alexander and says something that makes him turn away from the stopped car to face him. He demands the officer hand over his firearm and shoots him in the back when he refuses. Apparently protected by a bullet-proof vest, Mr Alexander immediately drops to the ground and takes cover behind the parked Mercedes-Benz before returning fire. The officer is seen radioing for back up as he runs out of shot in pursuit of the man. Mr Alexander finishes issuing the Mercedes-Benz driver a fine for driving in a restricted lane before being taken to hospital, where he was treated for a flesh wound.”

Snake-proof fences used to fortify Australian homes against feared serpent plague: “Melissa Holt, whose home backs on to Settlers Run Golf and Country Club in Botanic Ridge, 45km from the CBD, said sightings of tiger and other snakes were now daily events. “My husband sees them on the golf course frequently and we’ve had one in the house,” Mrs Holt said. “When one of our neighbours found one in her laundry before Christmas, we decided to act.” She said several of her immediate neighbours had installed the protective fencing, with the issue highlighted by yesterday’s Leader story about a woman who was bitten by a tiger snake in Cranbourne and revealed several dogs in her area had been killed by snakebites. “I didn’t hesitate,” Ms Holt said. “We have two young children to think about and the $800 spent on the fencing was not a consideration when it came to their safety. The fencing does not provide a complete barrier.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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