Doctors remember …

January 17, 2016 at 2:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

1. A young couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant.

They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on the pill.

However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside…

And explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because “she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills…”

2. A patient came in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to stress the fact that she only ever had one partner.

“And even if my boyfriend is sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter,” said the patient. “My boyfriend uses a condom every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.”

The ER nurse asked the patient what she meant when she said her boyfriend “washes it every time.”

The patient explained that her boyfriend washed the same old condom with hot water and soap before he used it. Every time. I had to kindly explain to a grown woman that condoms are a one-time use product. She had no clue.

3. These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:

Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.

Man 2: So she can’t eat bread or anything?

Man 1: We only give her white bread.

Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.

Man 1: Yeah, I guess.

Man 2: So can she eat pizza?

Man 1: Only cheese pizza.

4. More than one patient has come into my vet’s office complaining about their dog’s chest.

One man thought his male dog’s nipples were giant blood-sucking ticks. He actually tried poking at them and lightly pulling on them, complaining that “they are impossible to remove…”

A woman also came in complaining that her dog had “huge tumors” growing on its chest. Nope. Again, just nipples.

5. My best friend’s mom is a nurse at a hospital in an area with a lot of gang activity.

More than once, she has had to explain to the family of her deceased patients that you can’t get a brain transplant after getting shot in the head. Or at all really.

6. Not a doctor, but a good friend of mine is. He once told that he had to explain to one of his patients that regular Band-Aids do not cure anything at all, but just cover up a wound.

The patient in question had tried to cure her recently diagnosed type-II diabetes by sticking Band-Aids all over herself…

7. A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision.

She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb.

The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay because the foot will grow back.”

The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander, and that limbs do not grow back in humans.

8. I once had a meeting with a patient about their diet and nutritional intake.

I ended up having to explain to this person that, no, Coca-Cola is NOT in fact a vegetable. Just because it says “contains vegetable extracts” on the side of a can of Coke does not mean it can count as one of your “five veggies a day…”

9. A woman came in for a well-baby check with her 6-month-old, and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle.

The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says “oh that isn’t chocolate milk. Its coffee! He just loves it!”

10. Another lady I was seeing for clinicals was diabetic, and she would come in every week with stupid high blood sugar levels (250–560-ish), not knowing why they were so high.

“Well, I have been drinking about 3 of the 48oz Quiktrip slushies every day for a while now. They’re just so good! And they aren’t food or drink, they’re slushies! So they don’t have any sugar in them, and I don’t need to record them!” It was so hard to convince her that those are so full of sugar it isn’t even funny.

..

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Speed reading DOESN’T work: “In a world of email and social media, speed reading could be the answer to the always on generation’s prayers. However, researchers studying the techniques and apps available say they don’t work. They looked at decades of research – and concluded speed readers don’t remember what they read. ‘Examining decades’ worth of research on the science of reading, a team of psychological scientists finds little evidence to support speed reading as a shortcut to understanding and remembering large volumes of written content in a short period of time,’ they said. The report, published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, shows that that there are no magic shortcuts when it comes to reading more quickly while still fully understanding what we’ve read. While some may claim prodigious speed reading skills, these claims typically don’t hold up when put to the test.”

Old bits of painted log go up for sale at trendy interiors shop in upmarket part of London – and they SELL OUT: “A trendy interiors in an exclusive area of London selling painted logs for £10 each have already sold out of the novel accessories. The pieces of plain firewood – which are then jazzed up with a lick of yellow, pink or orange paint – proved so popular over the festive period, the store continued to stock them. The novel concept left some people gobsmacked with one saying: ‘The world has gone stark raving bonkers.’ Others compared the sale of painted logs to the Harry Enfield sketch ‘I saw you coming’ where his antique salesman flogs rubbish to gullible rich women. However the store insisted they had ‘no negative response’, have now sold out of painted logs and may even hold a tutorial to teach others how to do their own one. The interior store, in affluent Muswell Hill in north London, sells an array of pricey home accessories”

How your scented candle could KILL you: “With our doors and windows firmly shut against the winter cold, lighting a few scented candles is a trick many use freshen up a stuffy room. But this act could be turning your home into a death trap as perfume chemicals can cause a dangerous cocktail that can kill, according to scientists. Experts say the simple perfumes can mutate on contact with air and if rooms are not properly ventilated they can build up to dangerous levels. Tests were carried out on six similar modern houses over the course of five days by Professor Alastair Lewis of the National Centre for Atmospheric Science at the University of York”.

Australia: Woman wakes up in hospital to find a wild ferret latched onto her bleeding hand: “A woman recovering in hospital got the shock of her life when she woke to find a wild ferret chomping down on the flesh between her thumb and finger. The 41-year-old Wyong patient was due to be discharged from Gosford Hospital on the Central Coast later that day, but ended up spending an extra 24 hours in bed thanks to the surprise visitor. ‘It wouldn’t let go so they had to get the security guard to come in. He tried to get it off but it wouldn’t let go,’ a hospital employee who spoke to the woman after the attack told the Herald-Sun. It took the security guard a good few minutes to pry the ferret from the lady’s bleeding hand, eventually loosening its grip and allowing him to relocate it to a safe spot on the hospital grounds. The woman spent another day in hospital as staff cleaned up the wound, gave her a tetanus shot and administered antibiotics.”

The ultimate survivors: “Researchers have successfully revived microscopic creatures that had been kept frozen for 30 years. Tardigrades, also known as waterbears or moss piglets, are tiny water-dwelling organisms. They’re segmented, with eight legs, and measure 1mm in length. Scientists at at Japan’s National Institute of Polar Research retrieved the creatures from a frozen moss sample collected in Antarctica in 1983. The sample had been stored at minus−20 degrees for just over three decades. Two waterbears were resuscitated. One of them died after 20 days, but the other went on to successfully reproduce with a third specimen hatched from a frozen egg. It laid 19 eggs, of which 14 hatched successfully. Found throughout the world, tardigrades can survive extreme pressure, such as deep underwater, and can even live in the vacuum of space for several days.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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