Dillerisms

January 7, 2016 at 2:16 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. -Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ -Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Man is devastated after the cash he tried to hide from his wife in the duvet is found and SHREDDED into pieces by pet dog: “An unlucky man who hid money from his wife in a duvet got his comeuppance when he woke up one day to find his dog had chewed the whole lot to pieces. His friend’s golden retriever Hali had munched away 3,800 Yuan (£380) while he and his wife were sleeping in Lvshun, northeast China, reports Huanqiu.com, an affiliation of the People’s Daily Online. They discovered Hali with his innocent eyes staring up at them as he was surround by shredded red and white 100 Yuan (£10) notes. When his wife asked where the money had come from, he told her it was their own money and that he was just hiding it. He confessed he did not expect the dog to chew the whole lot up. Hali is five-months-old, the couple were looking after him while their friend was travelling. He usually chews a teddy bear, so they were shocked to discover he had chewed up the duvet.”

World’s largest blue star sapphire which weighs 1,404 carats discovered in a mine in Sri Lanka: “The largest blue star sapphire in the world, weighing 1,404 carats and worth up to £120million, has been discovered in Sri Lanka. The stone was found in August near Ratnapura, a city in the South of Sri Lanka nicknamed the City of Gems due to its prominent gem trade, local media reported. It is worth at least an estimated £68million ($100million) but could sell for up to £120million ($165million). The sapphire’s new owner, who wished to remain anonymous, told Sri Lankan newspaper Ceylon Today he felt nervous when he found out it was the largest in the world. The stone is too large to be set in jewellery, he added, and should instead be displayed in a museum. He nicknamed it the Star of Adam, inspired by a Muslim belief that said Adam went to Sri Lanka after God banned him from the Garden of Eden. According to the myth, he then settled on a mountain now known as Adam’s Peak, about 15 miles from Ratnapura.”

Gold bullion worth MILLIONS is dug up in a Bavarian back garden: “A German doctor is fighting to keep a gold stash worth nearly two million euros he claimed he buried in his dead friend’s garden. But now he faces a legal battle with the dead man’s relatives, who will automatically inherit the haul of cash and gold ingots, if he can’t prove it’s his. Local Bavarian media have reported that he made a deal with his friend to bury the stash of gold and cash because he wanted to hide it from an ex-partner. As soon as he heard of his friend’s sudden demise, the 69-year-old hired a digger to excavate the treasure from the garden, worried that he would lose it. The excavator soon unearthed plastic boxes filled with cash – initially reported to be worth up to 1.5 million euros – and 200,000 euros worth of gold bars. Under normal circumstances, anything found within the grounds of the property, would be inherited by the family, who are now challenging his claim.”

Man walks into fire station and asks firefighters to cut his wedding ring off his finger after his marriage broke down: “A man walked into a fire station and asked fighters to cut off his ring following the breakdown of his marriage. The 26-year-old man wandered into the Fareham fire station where he asked a group of on-shift firefighters to remove his wedding band because it was wedged on his hand. The firemen were able to use a tiny saw to remove it, which they regularly use to remove rings for patients in hospitals. Despite the unusual request, the firefighters were glad they could be of assistance by removing the stuck ring.”

Are flutes losing their fizz? Wine makers say Champagne tastes best sipped from a bulbous TULIP glass: “The age of the Champagne flute could be over as wine experts declare that wider glasses are the best way to enjoy fizz. The tall, tapered glasses which were originally designed to showcase sparkling wine’s tiny, rising bubbles might soon be as rare as the vintage Champagne saucers that preceded them. It seems that the most knowledgeable names in the wine business from France to California are eschewing effervescence in favour of flavour. Boss of leading glassmakers Riedel Crystal, Maximilian Riedel, declared it was his goal to make flutes ‘obsolete’ claiming their use ‘inhibits our ability to explore the depth of aroma and flavour in the wine.’ Maximilian Riedel promotes a more rounded tulip shaped tall glass instead of the classic flute”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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