Small town life

January 4, 2016 at 11:47 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an old woman in her early 70s, to the stand. He approached her, and after she swore the oath, he asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Of course yes. I know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you started schooling, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The stunned lawyer, not knowing anything to do, pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why not? I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was 10. He’s lazy, bigoted, and drinks a lot. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst I’ve known in my life. He cheats on his wife, and the last woman he cheated with was your wife. I know him very well.”

The defense attorney nearly collapsed.

The Judge quickly reckoned both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, whispered to them,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair.”

..

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Britain’s paper soldiers: “Army reservists whistleblowers have said their ranks are filled with ‘paper soldiers’ who are unfit for duty. A number of military sources, including from 77 Brigade or Royal Yeomanry, said over half of their units only exist in the books to pad out numbers in a bid to help the government reach their targets of recruiting 30,000 army reservists by 2020. In a shocking report by the Sunday Express, a senior source and a ‘loyal’ reservist revealed some recruits can barely assemble a rifle as they miss so many drills. ‘We have what we call paper soldiers that are officially accounted for but never attend,’ the senior source said describing his reservist unit in the south of England,. ‘We have more than 100 soldiers on our books, but of that number, on a typical drill night, we probably only have 12-15 that regularly attend. ‘On a weekend exercise in the field we are lucky if we have half a dozen”

Singer miraculously finds phone after dropping it in muddy water … and it STILL works: “Luck proved to be on Jessica Mauboy’s side after she lost her phone during a quad bike ride with pals in Darwin on Tuesday. The Australian Idol star miraculously found the item hours later, submerged in a muddy pool, and promptly shared the news with followers on Instagram. In a long-winded post to Instagram on Sunday, the 26-year-old explained the bizarre process she and her boyfriend, Themeli Magripilis, went through to locate the missing phone. The Pop a Bottle singer also mentioned she enlisted the help of repair company Mobile Tech to fix the water logged phone. Jessica said she learnt two lessons from her recent bike ride: ‘Don’t leave my phone in my pocket & never give up on anything!’

Must not disrespect local sausages: “A British man working at a foreign-owned gold mine in Kyrgyzstan has been detained and faces up to five years in jail for comparing a local delicacy to a horse penis. Michael Mcfeat, an employee of Toronto-based Centerra Gold, was detained by police after posting the comment on Facebook, which caused a temporary strike at the mine. Mcfeat wrote that his Kyrgyz colleagues were queuing for their ‘special delicacy, the horse’s penis’ during holiday celebrations, referring to a traditional horse sausage known as ‘chuchuk.’ Mcfeat now faces racial hatred charges, which can entail between three to five years in prison under Kyrgyz law. Mcfeat later deleted the post and issued an apology on his Facebook page, saying he had not meant to offend anyone. Horse meat including offal is a popular delicacy in both Kyrgyzstan and neighbouring Kazakhstan where nomadic traditions have been revived since the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Blundering British Gas bill elderly couple £3,000…. for a place that was demolished THREE YEARS ago: “Blundering British Gas officials demanded thousands of pounds from an elderly couple over their former flat even though it was demolished three years ago after widespread flooding. Patrick Kelly, 76, and his wife Marion, 83, received the £3,000 bill for their former home in Spencer Court, Newburn, Newcastle, with orders to pay almost immediately. The bill was for power supposedly used after the couple were forced from the property when parts of the building collapsed into a culvert. Following the severe flooding, the couple were banned from entering the flat because it was too dangerous but British Gas still charged for power they supposedly used while the flat was empty. Their home was later demolished because the block of flats it was situated in was not safe to rebuild. British Gas admitted there had been a mistake and apologised, before blaming contractors for not updating meter details.

Bizarre new weapon against crime: A FOG CANNON: “A radical new weapon against crime is being rolled out across New Zealand – and burglars haven’t got the foggiest idea how to respond. CCTV footage has surfaced of a pair of would-be robbers smashing the door of a service station before a fog cannon is deployed, sending dense white clouds of mist billowing towards them. The intruders can be seen fleeing the Mobil service station in New Zealand’s Auckland at 3.10am on December 23, evidently mystified by the revolutionary crime prevention tool, reports NZ Herald. The device works by filling rooms with dense fog in a matter of seconds, and while harmless to humans it renders those in its path blind until the room is ventilated. Detective Senior Sergeant Kevin Tiernan said the alarm-triggered cannons come in response to a spate of smash-and-grab robberies across the country.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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