Oldster jokes

December 8, 2015 at 2:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah.. She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over seventy, who gives a toss
***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over seventy, who gives a toss
***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over seventy, who gives a toss
***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a toss
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
When you are over seventy, who gives a toss

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Crow lets woman pull huge porcupine spikes out of his face: “This amazing footage shows a raven perching patiently on a ledge as a woman pulls out painful porcupine spikes. Gertie Cleary comes to the rescue of the distressed bird in Nova Scotia, Canada, when she finds it with three quills in its face and another in its wing. The huge raven tries to bite her hand and screeches at her, but the patient mother manages to remove the spikes as the crow sits on the fence. The raven, which the family later named Wilfred when nursing him back to health, lets her take the first and the second quill out of his face with little bother. But after getting a taste of the painful process it screeches and tries to bite her as she reaches for the third spike. Mrs Cleary persists, using her other hand to distract Wilfred on the right of the screen, before finally extracting the final spike. The family later fed the bird tuna and dog food, and said he sat on the perch for another day before flying off.

The spy camera that peers around CORNERS: System can track people who are out of sight and spot cars at blind junctions: “It is the ultimate piece of spy technology – a camera that can see around corners. Scientists have developed a new device capable of pinpointing objects hidden around a blind corner and accurately tracking their movement. The system works by shining a short pulse of laser on the floor just beyond a corner and watching what happens to the light as it is scattered. When the scattered light meets a object hidden around the corner, it is reflected. With the aid of a super-sensitive camera able to detect this extremely faint reflected light, the researchers can create a ghostly image made of this ‘echo’. By looking at how long it takes for this light to reach the camera they can also calculate how far away the object is, while the shape of the echo reveals where it is.

Look! no parachute: “This is the stomach-churning moment a daredevil skydiver threw away his parachute and jumped from a hot air balloon – before being caught mid-air by another parachutist. Fearless stuntman Antti Pendikainen, from Finland, took on the incredibly brave challenge in the south of the country – some 13,000 feet (4,000 metres) above the ground. The death-defying stunt sees the daredevil launching his parachute from the balloon while at a dizzying altitude after announcing that when he woke up this morning he decided he did not need one. He says: ‘I’m stupid. I’m tough enough to do it without a parachute,’ while taking off his shirt, psyching himself up and leaping from the balloon. The stuntman is filmed by two other skydivers free-falling to earth at an incredible speed. The video shows one of the two fellow parachutists attempting to close in on Antti and offer some assistance in the air. But the daredevil appears to bat them off before he is eventually forced to grab on as his friend’s parachute is opened and the duo land safely. The daredevil said he went through the stunt in his head beforehand so he knew everything was under control”

Old lady, 83, sent a council tax bill of 40 PENCE for a property she moved out of five years ago: “A pensioner was sent a council tax bill for just 40p for a property she moved out of more than five years ago. Muriel Cranmer, 83, was shocked to receive the invoice from Birmingham City Council, which covered a 24-hour period on her old home in Erdington, Birmingham, in May 2010. She became even more frustrated when she tried to get in touch with the council to question the payment and was referred to its website, which threatens tax dodgers with prosecution and even jail time. Miss Cranmer said the bill covered just one 24-hour period – the date she moved out of her old home in Erdington in May 2010. It put her total bill for the 2015/16 financial year at £1,026 but the ‘amount payable by you’ section contained the demand for just 40p. The council has since apologised for sending the demand and admitted it was an error”

Sexy weather-girl: “Yanet Garcia, 24, a Mexican meteorologist, wore a ‘nude mini-skirt’ on set. Online forums lit up with talk of the skin-coloured skirt worn on screen by Yanet Garcia, who has been compared to Kim Kardashian. At times, it was said that it looked as though the 24-year-old presenter wasn’t wearing anything but a tight flowery tank top. But some have complained that she is now more famous for her looks than her ability to predict the weather. Garcia now has more than one million followers on Instagram and isn’t afraid to post revealing shots. The outfit has been condemned for stealing the show and diverting attention away from the weather forecast. The presenter shot to worldwide fame when she was named as TMZ and Playboy’s hottest weather girl, and described her as ‘a girl that makes you want to watch the weather forecast’. Yanet, who is dating professional Call of Duty player Doug Censor Martin (who is also known as Faze Censor), presents the weather on Televisa Monterrey news in an array of slim-fitting dresses.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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