Some jokes from British comedian, Jimmy CarrNovember 27, 2015 at 4:01 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
— The reason old men use viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.
— I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.
— I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said, “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
— Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
Odd news from around the world
Women admire alligators? “Just in time for holiday shopping – for an incredibly small selection of uber-wealthy customers – Louis Vuitton has unveiled its most expensive handbag of the moment: a $55,000 alligator skin purse. More expensive than a new Mercedes and costlier than a cruise around the world, the City Steamer features genuine alligator skin, cowhide lining, an engraved padlock, a nametag, and a hot-stamped LV Circle. The nude-colored number can be carried in hand, over the shoulder, or cross-body, and has ‘ample room for papers and files’ – and stacks and stacks of money, naturally. Several other designers are also selling bags that cost five figures this season, though it’s unknown how many of the swanky satchels and totes they actually manage to sell. Hermes’s Birkin bags have always been pricey, but their alligator and crocodile skin versions can cost upwards of $100,000.
Why you should NEVER wear a hair band on your wrist: “Like millions of women the world over, Audree Kopp was often seen sporting a spare hairband on her wrist. But, after enduring surgery on her arm to treat three severe bacterial infections, believed to be triggered by a hair tie, she is now urging others to take note. Bacteria is thought to have passed from the glittery hairband, to a tiny cut on her wrist. Ms Kopp, from Louisville, said the first sign something was wrong came when she was moving house, and noticed a red lump on her wrist. After being rushed to hospital, doctors revealed there were three strains of bacteria infecting her wrist and rushed her to the operating theatre to drain the lump of pus. Doctors told Ms Kopp she had been lucky to avoid sepsis, serious blood poisoning which can prove fatal. She became concerned when the lump ‘just kept getting bigger and redder’. It left Ms Kopp with a large open wound on her arm, but doctors said she is recovering well.
A big scaredycat: “A six-foot Great Dane named Presley who weighs over 13 stone has been nicknamed the real life Scooby Doo – because the slightest fright will send him running to his owner for a reassuring cuddle. His owner Sian Barrett, 47, from Oldbury in the West Midlands, claims Presley – who weighs 13 and a half stone – is terrified of smaller dogs and will run and hide when he’s confronted by other pets. The enormous dog even has a cushion which he uses as a comfort blanket to stop him feeling scared at home, which he likes to carry around in his mouth. Mrs Barrett said: ‘Presley is definitely a real-life Scooby Doo, he is afraid of everything. He is always getting scared off by smaller dogs and I’ve had to start hiding the plastic bags from him because he’s afraid of them. Presley’s personality is so endearing that he has even cheered up hysterical children after giving them a paw to cry on. ‘As well as being scared of everything like Scooby Doo is, Presley is pretty dopey too. But so long as he gets his food he is just one big lap dog really.”
Some original metaphors: “An Apprentice contestant with a love of bizarre business lingo has left Twitter users in fits of laughter after describing a failed task as ‘leaving a sour taste in the client’s eye’. Contestant Gary Poulton, from Birmingham, also said his team were ‘dancing around the bush’ in last night’s episode which saw his stint as project manager for Versatile end in failure. Gary ended up in the boardroom after a series of blunders including a heated debate over a cake baked for a woman who was severely allergic to nuts – and viewers joking on Twitter that he wasn’t ‘the warmest tool in the shed’. Many others were poking fun at the project manager Gary on Twitter with one dubbing it ‘the best sentence ever uttered on The Apprentice’. Another wrote: ‘He must be top of the moon and over the world all at the same time”
Roman Britain resurfaces yet again: “A hoard of silver coins, some of which were issued by Roman general Mark Antony, have been discovered in a Welsh field more than 2,000 years after they were buried. While they have yet to be valued, the 91 coins have been hailed by history experts as ‘a significant find’ and could be worth ‘tens of thousands of pounds.’ The coins were issued by Roman rulers spanning 200 years, with the earliest dating back to when Mark Antony was general in 31BC, through to the rule of Emperor Nero between 54 and 68AD and Marcus Aurelius, who headed the Empire from 161AD to 180AD. They were unearthed by two friends out walking in a field near the small village of Wick in South Wales and during the Roman era each coin would have been the equivalent to a day’s pay.”
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