Some word play

November 20, 2015 at 7:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR-WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL”?

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS-STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET ANIMALS TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD-SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

28. WHY ARE HAEMORROIDS CALLED “HAEMORROIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’? THE DOGS CAN’T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Harmless Australian spider freaks Canadian: “A foreigner has been spun into a web of nerves after hilariously confessing that she’s terrified of one of the Melbourne’s creepiest crawlies. The Canadian student asked Reddit how often they’ll be expected to sight a huntsman spider — the huge, hairy-legged arachnid — while studying at the University of Melbourne. “I’m incredibly excited but terrified at the same time, especially as an arachnophobic,” availableforhugs said. The responses were typically Australian — and not comforting at all. Reddit user Raddat spun a tale about an elderly lady who died at the hands of gangs of huntsman and redback spiders. “If you faint then you won’t be able to save yourself from them,” Raddat said. According to Australian Geographic “Their danger comes more from causing accidents by the terrified drivers who react to a huntsman jumping out from behind the sun visor or dashboard of a car when it’s in motion”

Blundering British bureaucrats again: “Millions of pounds could be wasted on new electric trains because they may not have suitable tracks to run on, MPs warned last night. The influential Commons public accounts committee said a £1.2 billion increase in the cost of Network Rail’s electrification of the Great Western line between London and South Wales was ‘staggering and unacceptable’. The committee added: ‘New electric trains for the Great Western main line are due to be delivered from February 2018, and the Department for Transport is liable to pay for these trains whether electrification is complete or not.’ The committee also said there was ‘far too much uncertainty’ over costs and delivery dates for electrification of the Midland Mainline from Sheffield to Bedford and the TransPennine line between Manchester and York. MPs were told last month that the cost of Great Western electrification could rise to £2.8 billion – up from an estimate of £1.6billion just 12 months earlier.

Naive children who believe everything they read online: Fifth of 12 to 15-year-olds have unquestioning faith in information they find via internet searches: “Britain appears to be raising a generation of dangerously naïve children, after new research found that millions of youngsters believe everything they read on the internet. According to Ofcom, a fifth of children aged 12 to 15 have unquestioning faith in information that they find through search engines like Google. Often they are unable to tell the difference between reliable research with a rigorous academic foundation, and blogs posted by individuals who have axes to grind or are simply seeking to make money. And two thirds of young teens cannot differentiate the paid-for adverts that appear at the top of search results, from the ‘genuine’ results listed below. Children are also alarmingly credulous on social media – raising concerns that scammers, paedophiles and jihadi recruiters could take advantage of them online.”

Comedy duo The Chuckle Brothers cause hilarity with phallic optical illusion photo: “They’ve made plenty of people laugh in their days at kids TV presenters, but now the Chuckle Brothers have got people sniggering again for all the wrong reasons. After an image of the pair posing with a fan hit the internet, Twitter users were quick to point out that the young woman’s right arm creates an unfortunate optical illusion. And as the photo was shared across social media, people questioned whether there was in fact a giant penis emerging from her glass. The children’s entertainers, whose real names are Paul and Barry Elliott, posed for the snap with a brunette fan after performing at the Quids In student night at Pryzm Nightclub in Leeds. But the image of Barry, 70, and Paul, 68, appears to have gone viral”

Big fish coming to American dinner tables: “U.S. health regulators on Thursday cleared the way for a type of genetically engineered Atlantic salmon to be farmed for human consumption – the first such approval for an animal whose DNA has been scientifically modified. Five years ago, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration first declared the product, made by Massachusetts-based AquaBounty Technologies, to be as safe as conventional farm-raised Atlantic salmon. AquaBounty developed the salmon by altering its genes so that it would grow faster than farmed salmon, and expects it will take about two more years to reach consumers’ plates as it works out distribution. AquaBounty says its salmon can grow to market size in half the time of conventional salmon, saving time and resources. The fish is essentially Atlantic salmon with a Pacific salmon gene for faster growth and a gene from the eel-like ocean pout that promotes year-round growth.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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