Some Irish jokes

September 2, 2015 at 3:11 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There’s an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They’re being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see’s these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, “Woof Woof”, and the copper thinking it’s just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, “Me-ow me-ow”, he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. “Potatoes Potatoes..!””

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman took six bottles of beer. The Irishman took six crates of Guinness. The Scotsman took six friends.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, “Flood!” There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, “Sandstorm!” Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, “Fire!”. And they did…

Paddy asks Murphy ”what’s that gong you have hanging on the wall? That’s my speaking clock replies Murphy. How does that work asks Paddy? Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…for God’s sake not again – its 2 o clock in the morning…

..

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Persistent high blood pressure could be cured by ‘dirt cheap’ drug that’s been around for 50 years: “A drug that costs £1.50 a month and has been around for 50 years could revolutionise the care of patients with persistent high blood pressure. Spironolactone was first used in 1959 as a water pill to treat fluid retention – but new findings show it also works in three out of five patients whose blood pressure is out of control. Experts today said the finding offered hope of ‘spectacular’ cost savings. An estimated 500,000 people have high blood pressure that does not respond to at least three types of medication, known as resistant hypertension. The new study involved 335 patients who had uncontrolled blood pressure despite treatment with the maximum doses of three antihypertensive medicines. The results show that 60 per cent of patients had their blood pressure controlled for the first time.”

The real red China: “A beach in north-eastern China, has transformed to a crimson red with the arrival of autumn. Panjin Red Beach, located in the province of Liaoning, is the largest and best preserved wetland in the world, reported People’s Daily Online. Every year in autumn, the seepweed, also known as seablite, that grows along its shores takes on a crimson hue as it matures. The result is a sea of red as far as the eye can see. Breath-taking photographs of Panjin Red Beach emerged this week which show numerous tourists walking along a jetty built over the red plants. The ground is a deep red, as if though paint was spilled over it. There is nothing but red for miles around. As the land is very flat, many Chinese people have dubbed it ‘red carpet beach’. It spans over 51 square miles of coastal land. The entire wetland is considered a protected area, as it’s also home to more than 260 varieties of birds, including the endangered red-crowned crane, and around 400 species of wildlife.”

And Esau was a hairy man… : “WHEN “wolf man” Jesus Acevez went to visit actual wolves at a Mexican zoo, he recognised something of himself in them. “Both of our faces are covered in hair and we both lived trapped,” said the 41-year-old known as Chuy. “Them in the zoo and me in this body. At least the wolves treat me the same way they treat other humans.” Chuy’s extraordinary life is the subject of an upcoming documentary due for release later this month. Chuy, El hombre lobo is made by US-Mexican filmmaker Eva Aridjis and documents his struggle with congenital hypertrichosis — a genetic condition which means Chuy is coated with thick hair on his face and body. The rare disorder is thought to affect just 50 people in the world, 30 of whom are from Chuy’s family including men, women and babies who suffer from a huge amount of discrimination in the small Mexican town of Loreto. They live in neighbouring homes bought for them by the mayor because no one would rent them a property. They wind up working in circuses because it’s the only work they can find,” she said.”

Traffic control lady who was throttled and knocked to the ground REFUSES to claim compensation – because she doesn’t want to be seen as a ‘money grabber’: “A lollipop lady who was throttled in the street by a violent drunk has selflessly turned down compensation because she doesn’t want to be seen as ‘a money-grabber’. Kathleen Buckley, 64, had just finished helping schoolchildren across the road when she was pounced on by a man who had downed 12 bottles of beer bought with his benefits money. Mrs Buckley, a lollipop lady for eight years, was knocked to the ground and grabbed in a stranglehold by jobless David Vale, 45. The retired mother-of-two bravely tried to fight him off until motorists stopped and rescued her. Vale was facing jail last night after admitting assault at Burnley Magistrates Court – but despite her terrifying ordeal, Mrs Buckley has waived her right to compensation. Mrs Buckley, of Whitworth, Rochdale, said she didn’t want to be associated with claimants who exaggerate injuries to receive payouts from the public purse.”

Bizarre alcohol vapour bar where you literally ‘breathe in’ your drinks: “A Brisbane bar has become the first in Australia to introduce a bizarre alcohol cloud that allows customers to ingest a drink simply by breathing. The bar, called Alcoholic Architecture, and set up for a Brisbane festival, provides ‘vapourised’ alcohol in the air which provides the alcohol equivalent to two drinks after 40 minutes. Patrons must don a specialised plastic suit to protect themselves from the humidifiers, however must keep their face exposed to absorb the gin and tonic flavoured mist through their eyeballs and lungs. Besides the innovative qualities the experience possesses, the main appeal of the ‘cloud’ is the supposed eradication of nasty hangovers. The anatomical cocktail is also said to cut calories by up to 40 per cent as opposed to swallowing a drink, and it bypasses the liver completely. The attraction is the brainchild of the UK design team Bompass & Parr, whose first walk-in cloud bar opened in Borough Market in London in July.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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