Why Teachers DRINK

June 18, 2015 at 2:03 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination

A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula? A.

A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Malaria drug breakthrough: “A ‘magic bullet’ that could treat malaria with a single dose has been discovered. The compound could also act as an immunisation against the disease, say pharmacologists at Dundee University. They have been working to identify potential new treatments for malaria, a parasite which kills half a people million a year. Initially around 4,700 compounds were tested to see if any would kill the malaria parasite. One compound – called DDD498 – was found to work in a different way to all other antimalarial medicines on the market or in clinical development, researchers say. DDD107498 has the potential to treat malaria with a single dose, prevent the spread of malaria from infected people and protect a person from developing the disease in the first place. ‘There is still some way to go before the compound can be given to patients. However, we are very excited by the progress that we have made.’ MMV selected DDD107498 to enter preclinical development in October 2013 following the recommendation of its expert scientific advisory committee. Merck Serono has recently obtained the right to develop and, if successful, commercialise the compound”

Worst interview ever? Woman has to be removed by police after staging a 90-minute sit in when she was turned down for job interview: “As job interviews go, having to stage a 90-minute sit in and be removed by police usually suggests it hasn’t gone well. But that is exactly what happened to one woman who refused to budge when she was told she had not been successful with the job application at a company in Manchester. Greater Manchester Police had to be called to eject the unknown woman after her potential city centre employer reportedly turned her down for a job because she forgot her passport. The livid woman is said to have screamed at the interviewers to ‘Go on! Call the police’ after they asked her to leave at 11am today. But she stayed put for an hour and a half. When police arrived at the scene she had disappeared. The bizarre incident was revealed by the GMP City Centre Twitter account.”

Gin palace, a pebble pavement and gravestone of Titanic’s band leader among list of more unusual sites given national heritage status in Britain: “Government heritage body Historic England has published some of the highlights from the 510 places listed in the past year. They range from prehistoric sites which have become scheduled monuments, such as the traces of a Neolithic henge in Yorkshire, to heritage from the 20th century including the former Wing headquarters at Greenham Common, Berkshire, where nuclear cruise missiles were stored. Industrial structures from mills to aqueducts, a former bus station from the 1970s, a concrete house, Victorian play equipment and a 19th century gin palace are also all among the top 20 new additions to the National Heritage List for England. Also included is a lamp that burned gas from Victorian sewers in Sheffield, North Yorkshire and an unusual 1960s play sculpture in Birmingham. And the list of sites even features a bus station in Milton Keynes designed by the city’s in-house architects department in 1975.”

A civilian tank: “It can go from 0-60 in 3.5 seconds, travel at 80 mph, and manoeuvre over any surface or terrain a tank can. Looking like a cross between the Batmobile and a moon buggy, the Ripsaw Extreme Vehicle 2 has been crafted into ‘one of the world’s most sought after high performance, luxury vehicles,’ according to makers Howe & Howe Technologies. Originally designed for the US military for service as a high-speed tracked vehicle, it is the fastest tracked vehicle ever developed. Since its military beginnings, the tank now sports 12-inches of suspension travel, a luxury interior, and a 600 horsepower diesel engine, while the gun and much of its body armor has been removed. The vehicle has advanced suspension tracks, while its huge engine that sits at the back, giving it an acceleration that rivals most sports cars. The custom-made machines are capable of trekking across all terrains including ice, snow and desert and have been developed in the name of fun.”

Burglar jailed after being caught on BBC presenter’s garden foxcam: “A thief has been jailed after being “outfoxed” when he was caught on a hidden camera installed to film urban wildlife. Nigel Batton, 43, was caught on a “Fox Family” camera in a neighbouring property in the early hours of January 12 last year. Around 3.46am, the camera installed to film urban wildlife by BBC Springwatch host Simon King and streaming live to his wildlife website picked up an image of a man climbing over a garden fence. The man then looked through the slat blinds of a studio office and tried to open the door before walking off across the garden. Police released a CCTV image of the man and a number of people called to identify Batton as the man in the images. Batton, from Lewisham, south east London, was arrested on January 31 last year and on Monday he was jailed for four-and-a-half years for burglary and attempted burglary after a trial at Woolwich Crown Court. Batton left after being disturbed by the owner. He left empty handed.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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