Psychiatrist vs Bartender

May 13, 2015 at 1:55 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I told a Psychiatrist, Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I think I’m going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge? Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $5.90. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody gonna be under there from now on.

IT”S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Born fat: “If you find it virtually impossible to lose weight no matter how hard you try, it seems you really can blame your slow metabolism. Scientists have shown that some people’s biological make-up genuinely makes it harder for them to lose weight. A slower metabolism means they shed fewer pounds than others – despite following the same diet. The finding, from US government researchers, will be welcomed by the millions of slimmers who have failed to reach their target weight, despite carefully counting calories. The scientists, from the National Institutes of Health, measured the metabolism of 12 obese people before and after a day of fasting. They were described as having a ‘thrifty’ metabolism because their bodies were carefully holding on to calories, rather than ‘spending’ them. They said their study was the first to find laboratory evidence supporting the commonly held belief that people with certain physiologies lose less weight than others by dieting.

‘Mad Max’ tank speeds over bumps at 70mph: “This week, cinemagoers will be able to race across a post-apocalyptic wasteland when Mad Max: Fury Road is released. Now two brothers have revealed how they built a lightweight tank for the film, which has a top speed of 70mph (113km/h). They tested the Peacemaker tank over bumps and sand dunes to check it was up to the film’s impressive chase scenes, which see a road warrior, played by Tom Hardy, cross the Australian desert. The Peacemaker has 1,000 horsepower and was created by Howe and Howe Technologies, a specialist company owned by twins Mike and Geoff Howe. The 40-year-old twins from Maine, make vehicles for the military, private companies, the emergency services and Hollywood films. Unlike military tanks, the Peacemaker is not clad in a metal shell, but instead, its insides are laid bare, revealing its structural bars.

‘Human Barbie’grows muscle: “Real-life Barbie Doll Valeria Lukyanova has stepped back into the public eye after a six-month hiatus with a racy new photo shoot. The 29-year-old Ukrainian model, who appears to have developed a new set of tiny but sharply defined abs, announced the photos were in honour of the arrival of spring. Last year, Valeria claimed she no longer liked her thin frame, and decided instead that she wanted to build ‘muscle’ so as to emulate an Amazonian female warrior. Posing suggestively for the cameras, Valeria said: ‘The spring is late this year, but it has finally come. It has inspired me to do a photo shoot. Valeria, who insists her looks are entirely natural, except for her breasts, seems to be back in good spirits following her shock ordeal last November. According to her own account, she was the victim of a random attack close to her home in Ukraine, during which she was ‘punched and strangled’ by two men on Halloween night, and later hospitalised for her facial wounds..

Secluded hotspring pool: “There is having a swim, and then there is having a dip in a deserted pool nestled in one of Iceland’s most picturesque valleys. The hidden pool of Seljavallalaug is one of Iceland’s best kept secrets, and is filled with hot spring water which trickles down from Eyjafjallajökull, which consists of a volcano completely covered by an ice cap. Built at the beginning of the 20th century to teach locals how to swim, the tranquil pool is now a protected site, and is free for adventurers to find and experience. To find this mysterious pool, swimmers have to weave through the mountains down an uneven track that appears to lead to nowhere. However at the base of the valley, near Seljavellir, visitors will stumble upon the 82ft pool, which comes complete with its own changing facilities. The turquoise haven varies in colour throughout the year, and a dedicated team of volunteers are on hand to keep it clean from volcanic ash, and to clear ice from the surface after winter. Most visitors claim that the waters are not only safe to swim in, but are actually really good for the skin too.

The Caribbean cure for stress? On tiny island of Nevis: “Trailing vines and creepers brush my face as I scramble over tangled roots and fallen logs. The rainforest is hot and steamy, and the only sound is the shrill cries and hoots of birds calling to each other high up in the treetops. Suddenly I hear a rustle of leaves and look up to spot black faces peering down at us. Vervet monkeys are checking us out before they leap off through the branches and disappear into the dense vegetation. Earla is leading me along a nature trail at Stonyhill on the tiny Caribbean island of Nevis. Some 3,000ft above us, the summit of the dormant volcano, Nevis Peak, is lost in cloud. Nevis itself is quiet and unspoilt but is easily accessible with direct British Airways flights to St Kitts, its larger sister, followed by a five-minute speedboat transfer. The only traffic jams here are caused by herds of sheep and goats.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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