10 conversations you’ll have with your mom on Mother’s Day

May 12, 2015 at 4:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

To help you prepare for the big day, I’ve compiled the 10 conversations you will have with your mom at family lunch

1. “You can’t say that, Mum!”

Mums are the most accidentally, politically incorrect people on earth. Their innocence provides no filter when delivering some juicy local gossip.

They never mean harm but sometimes don’t realise their choice of words can sound a tad racist.

Mum: The Asians who run the newsagents have moved house.

You: That sounds racist, mum!

Mum: I’m not being racist, Nathan! They are Asian aren’t they?!

And I won’t forget this little nugget from my mum not long ago:

Mum: She has two daughters — one is a teacher, the other one is a lesbian.

Me: Mum, lesbian isn’t an occupation.

2. “Guess who’s dead?”

Mothers love a good death don’t they? Morbid to say — but it’s the truth.

Is my mum the only one who reads the death notices in the paper scouring for a name they recognise? It’s done with the best intentions “I better make the family a casserole”

Have you noticed when someone in your family dies, mysterious casseroles appear at the front door? You have mums who read death notices to thank for that!

3. “I need your help with my iPhone, your father won’t help me”

It has been a 3-year commitment from my siblings and I to try and teach mum how to use her iPhone. Your mother will ask you at one point how to use a certain feature, how to take a photo, or how to answer it when it rings.

Mums seem incapable of comprehending how to swipe the screen right to answer the iPhone — they’d be awful at Tinder.

But be patient when teaching her. If you lose your temper you’ll get “you sound your father!” thrown at you.

4. “That’s not my name”

My mum (after her third Mimosa) often forgets my name (you know, the one given to me by her at birth). My mother has 6 brothers and I am often exhaustively called each of them before she finally arrives correctly at my name.

5. Facebook

Almost all mums have jumped on Facebook now. Hijacking statuses, commenting on your friend’s photos and embarrassing you with FDOA (Facebook Displays of Affection). We all have to deal with it.

This mothers day I plan to teach mum how to stop posting her CandyCrush scores on her newsfeed. Wish me luck!

6. The Live Bachelor Episode

My close single girlfriends have donated this one. They have told me their mums will always make a point of (not so) subtly pointing out single and available men around.

Mum: Helen’s eldest son has opened his own taxation firm, he’s single too, do you remember him from high school?

You: Brad? Mum, Brad’s gay!

Mum: Oh he is not! He’s always dressed very well. Anyway, give him a call.

7. Impromptu Charades

Your mum will be keen to share with you her thoughts on the latest film release she’s seen. The issue is, she will never know the name of the movie and the game of trying to guess which one she’s talking about is excruciating.

Mum: I saw that movie.

You: Which movie?

Mum: You know the one!

You: Which one?

Mum: The one with that actress!

You: Mum, that could be any movie

Mum: You know the one that I like! She was in that other movie with thingo … that actor … what’s his name?

(This goes on for another 14 minutes)

8. Royal Baby

Fact: All Mums are monarchists.

So the latest royal baby is one of the highlights of the year for your mother!

Get your head around the basic royal baby news because she’s gonna wanna talk about it — the delivery, how Kate’s looking, and there may even be a few tears for Princess Diana.

Mum: “Diana would have loved a granddaughter” *starts tearing up.

Memorise everything in this picture. You’ll need it as a conversation topic this Mother’s

Memorise everything in this picture. You’ll need it as a conversation topic this Mother’s Day. (AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth, File) Source: AP

9. Awkward medical check.

Catching up with Mum always means free medical advice, bulk billed of course.

The questions are personal and awkward.

“Have you had a prostate check lately, Nathan?”

“I hope your self checking your testicles for lumps when you shower, you have to stay on top of these things, Nathan!”

10. The “gift” lie

Each year, your mum lies to you about presents.

“All I want is a nice meal with my family.” or “Seeing you is present enough.”

Oh shut up! We don’t buy that for a second. Everyone wants presents. Go grab that new Human Nature CD or a Soap and Hand Cream pack from the Body Shop and shower your Mum with gifts.

She deserves it.

Original story here




Odd news from around the world

Garden designer sells lingerie made from fresh flowers!: “Forget a bouquet of roses, men who want to show they care can now buy their loved one an underwear set made entirely of flowers. Garden designer Lucy Summers has created a range of lingerie which feature fresh blooms that will wilt and die in just two days. And the decorative undies, created specifically for each woman, are being snapped up by City high fliers who aren’t daunted by the £675 price tag. Lucy decided to create knickers and bras made of real blooms to create the ‘mega expensive range’. The designer said ‘wealthy brokers’ were her top clients for the bespoke range. The award-winning Chelsea Flower Show gardener, said the ‘fresh flower lingerie’ was a ‘ultimate luxury gift’ and that each set, which costs £675, is ‘hand-crafted to individual specifications’. Among the flowers used are rose buds, orchids and waxflowers – which are stitched together with thread and twine to create ‘a unique, romantic and ultimate floral gift’. According to her firm, Lucy Summers Living, the lingerie is delivered in ‘cool boxes’ by couriers because the blooms ‘only last 48 hours’ before wilting and dying.”

Picasso painting sells for $179MILLION: “A vibrant, multi-hued painting from Pablo Picasso set a world record for artwork sold at auction, bringing in $179million on Monday night. ‘Women of Algiers (Version O)’, or ‘Les femmes d’Alger’, was part of a sale at Christie’s auction house that sold 34 pieces of art for a staggering total of $706 million. The sale also featured Alberto Giacometti’s life-size sculpture ‘Pointing Man,’ which was poised to set a record as the most expensive sculpture sold at auction with a $141million price tag. They were among two dozen masterpieces from the 20th century Christie’s offered in a curated sale titled ‘Looking Forward to the Past.’ The Picasso price, $179,365,000, and the Giacometti price, $141,285,000, included the auction house’s premium. The buyers and the sellers of both artworks elected to remain anonymous.”

Huge ancient book: “The Codex Gigas is the largest surviving medieval manuscript in the world. At nearly nine inches (22cm) thick and 36 inches (92cm) tall, the book is so large that it is said to have required more than 160 animal skins to complete. Inside is a menacing full-page colour image of the Devil, leading many to believe the pages themselves are cursed. It is thought to have been created in the early 13th century in the Benedictine monastery of Podlažice in Bohemia, which today is the Czech Republic. The book begins with the Old Testament, and it is followed by two works by Flavius Josephus who lived in the first century AD. It ends with the New Testament and the last of the long works is a Chronicle of Bohemia by Cosmas from Prague. The text requires at least two people to lift its 165lbs (74kg) of leather binding and vellum pages. But how it was created is still unknown. According to a report by National Geographic several years ago, handwriting analysis by palaeographer Michael Gullick at the National Library of Sweden indicated that one scribe did compose the entire manuscript.”

But would YOU walk over it? Bridge has no glue, bolts or fixings and is made out of 22,000 sheets of PAPER: “It has no glue, bolts or any other fixings to hold it up and is made entirely of 22,000 sheets of paper. But this unique red bridge, found over the top of a valley in the Lake District, has become a hit with dog walkers and cyclists eager to test whether it will hold their weight. PaperBridge is a temporary piece of artwork located over a beck at the top of the Grisedale Valley, under the shadow of Helvellyn, Cumbria. The striking construction relies on authentic architectural principles as used in the dry-stone walls and the original packhorse bridges that are found in the Lake District to hold it up. Environmental artist Steve Messam, from Teesdale, spent three years developing the fully-functioning bridge, which was commissioned by Lakes Culture as part of its Lakes Ignite 2015 programme. He said the structure was sturdy enough to support the weight of walkers because the 4.5 tonnes of paper made it twice as strong as oak.”

How ridiculous: “Women are constantly asking men to walk a mile in their shoes, but would they ask the same of their underwear? An Australian company specialising in ‘elegant lingerie’ for men is having to expand online just to keep up with increased demand for the unorthodox undergarments. Some of HommeMystere’s risqué designs feature pink lace teddy’s, silk lined bralettes and sexy red G-strings. But would many women be happy with their other halves dressing up – or down – in the bedroom? Launched back in 2008, the Brisbane-based company started designing men’s lingerie when co-creators Brent and Lara Krause realised there were very few options for men who wanted to buck the ‘tighty-whitey’ cotton jock trend which has long-dominated the male market. HommeMystere said it wanted to give men, who were previously forced to shop in women’s stores, an option to buy sexy underwear that is designed to actually conform to the male shape.” [Meant for the homosexual market, maybe?]

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.


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