The excellence of vodka

March 12, 2015 at 2:38 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip…”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10….

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,”Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say,”Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Police arrest 28-year-old black suspect who disguised himself as elderly white man during armed bank robbery: “Police in North Carolina have spent the past three months searching for an elderly Caucasian bank robber, but instead found a 28-year-old African-American suspect with a penchant for disguise. Benoit Constant, of Maryland, was arrested in Texas during a traffic stop and identified as a suspect in the robbery of a bank in Cornelius, North Carolina, back in December. Police say Constant, who is black, wore a lifelike mask during the heist that made him look like an elderly white man. Constant is facing charges of robbery with a dangerous weapon, making a false bomb threat, evading arrest and failure to identify. He is being held on $70,000 bond. At around 11.30am on Sunday, Benoit Constant was traveling southbound on US-28 in Wichita Falls, Texas, when state troopers stopped his Lexus for a traffic violation. Constant initially gave the troopers a fake name, but when they ran his plates they found out that the motorist was wanted in North Carolina on robbery charges.”

Stray dog kicked by driver for being in his parking bay returns with a pack of friends… and trashes his car: “They say you should let sleeping dogs lie – advice that one driver in China paid the price for ignoring. He drove back to his home in Chongqing to find a stray dog lying in his favourite parking spot, so he got out and kicked it. However, as far as the dog was concerned, that was not the end of the matter. It returned later on with some of its pals and proceeded to exact its revenge by chewing the bodywork and windscreen wipers of the car belonging to his attacker. The vandalism was photographed by a startled neighbour, who showed the driver the next morning the evidence that a series of dents and marks on his car were caused by a pack of hounds.”

Incredible moment stingray slides on LAND to steal a fisherman’s salmon before retreating to the sea: “Their flattened bodies glide through the water with ease and grace but that doesn’t mean they can’t work up a hell of an appetite. Stingrays normally feed off small fish, snails and shrimp around coral reefs, but in the Northern Territory the species has been captured using its powerful shell-crushing plates to devour a whole salmon. The docile creature slowly emerged out of the murky water, in remote Anson Bay, on to the sand where a blue salmon – caught by fishermen – lay. The stingray, known locally as Raymond, repeatedly raises its body above the salmon and gradually pulls and tugs until the whole fish is consumed.”

Big cat: “Weighing in at three times the average cat, most would presume Ludo the Maine Coon cat was fully grown. But the super-sized feline, who tips the scales at 24.5lbs (11kg) and is 45 inches long, is only 17 months old and is set to continue growing. Ludo belongs to Kelsey and Matthew Gill from Ryhill, West Yorkshire, who bought him from a breeder around a year ago. Mrs Gill, 28, who runs a chip shop with her husband, said: ‘When we bought Ludo, he was no bigger than any of the other kittens in his litter as Maine Coon’s are quite chunky as kittens. ‘But as the months went on, we noticed he quickly overtook our other cats, who are a few years older than him, and he’s now double the size of them. ‘He’s a lovely cat- he’s very friendly and affectionate but some people who visit are scared of him as they’re used to seeing dogs that size, not cats. Male Maine Coon cats tend to grow up to 18lbs (8kg), while females tend to grow up to 11lbs (5kg). The world’s longest domestic cat, Stewie, a Maine Coon, measured 48.5 inches before he died in 2013 from cancer.

Another long-lost ring recovered: “The family of a British pilot considered missing in action for more than 70 years have finally been reunited with the ring he was wearing when his plane crashed. The plane special operation pilot Sgt John Thompson was flying crashed in Albania on October 29, 1944 whilst transporting assistance to local anti-Nazi fighters. Today, his 92-year-old sister Dorothy Webster received his ring from a family in Albania together with a box of debris from his Halifax bomber. In 1960, Jaho Cala found Mr Thompson’s finger with the ring on it at Sinoi Mountain, 25 miles north of the Albanian capital Tirana. He kept the ring and hid it at his home, afraid to show it to the then-communist authorities. Mr Cala asked his son Xhemil to look for the family of the owner, and after his father died, Xhemil contacted the embassies of the US and Britain – the two countries that helped liberate Albania from the Nazis a month after Mr Thompson’s death. ‘Our grandfather and grandmother never locked the house in Matlock, Derbyshire, waiting for their missed son.’

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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