In brief

January 27, 2015 at 10:56 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers . Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.

6. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid once in a while. Yet some just abuse the privilege.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Thief, 23, FORGOT he was a criminal after hitting his head in a car crash: “A 23-year-old man forgot he was a criminal after hitting his head in a car crash – and has now turned his life around, his lawyer has claimed. Christian Eshenbaugh stole around 2,000 aluminum tire rims, worth more than $33,000, from a salvage yard in Pittsburgh, western Pennsylvania, over a two-month period in 2013. But later that year, he suffered traumatic brain injuries when the car he was traveling in smashed into a tree on Warrandale Road, killing the driver. He spent months undergoing rehabilitation. In a Butler County court on Wednesday, Eshenbaugh’s attorney, Stephen Misko, claimed his client has become a ‘completely different person’ as he struggles to regain his memory and motor skills. He said the criminal could not recall his offense, has ‘turned his life 180 degrees’ and no longer has a penchant for petty crimes fueled by drug use, according to the Butler Eagle. In addition to a year’s probation, the criminal was ordered to pay a sum of restitution.

Woman finds an unexpected surprise in her Burger King bag: “A Burger King in New Hampshire mistakenly gave one of their customers the ultimate order: A bag full of cash. After leaving the fast-food restaurant, Janelle Jones noticed that her bag didn’t contain her junior spicy chicken sandwich. She actually found herself with a bag filled with $2,631. She decided to call her husband to figure out what she should do. Her husband said they both considered keeping the money, but their religious conviction (they’re both Jehovah’s Witnesses) kept them from doing so. “Jehovah sees everything,” her husband Matthew Jones said. The restaurant confirmed the account but declined to comment. We do know that the bag full of cash was actually the restaurant’s bank deposit.

Burglar found hanging UPSIDE DOWN from window: “A suspected burglar spent five hours hanging upside down from a window after apparently getting trapped when trying to break into a university. The man got stuck while attempting to squeeze through a 30in-wide window at Nottingham Trent University in freezing temperatures last Thursday night. He was found by two students, who heard him calling for help and then saw his legs dangling out of the side of the lecture hall building. Dan De-Niet and Tom Burdett called 999 so that firefighters could free the man – but not before they had taken dozens of photographs as well as a video clip. The suspect was given medical treatment and later arrested. He has now been charged with burglary with intent to steal.

The world’s most expensive school: “It is widely regarded as the most expensive school in the world with fees more than double those of Eton. The Institute Le Rosey charges £80,000-a-year in fees and has taught the children of Sir Roger Moore and Elizabeth Taylor. It is also a firm favourite of European royalty and the super-rich. Among the facilities on offer for the elite boarders, there is a 38ft yacht as well as a 1,000 seat concert hall. There is also an equestrian centre complete with 30 horses, allowing students to learn skills such as dressage. According to the school’s website, ‘Le Rosey’s campus is set in 28 hectares of magnificent landscaped grounds where age-old trees frame our buildings and sports facilities. This exceptional environment offers a full range of academic, sports and arts facilities. ‘In each boarding house, teachers living with their families ensure discipline, tidiness and are available to listen to any problems, big or small that Roseans may be faced with in their day to day life.” In winter, the school moves to the Gstaad ski resort.”

Villager angry at council cuts hires her own handywoman on £16,000 salary to clean the streets, cut hedges and empty the bins: “A woman angry at cuts being made to council services has decided to take matters into her own hands, by employing a handywoman to do jobs in the area. Former Dragon’s Den contestant Ling Valentine, 41, has employed Clare Honey, 40, on a £16,000 salary to do ‘absolutely anything that needs doing in the community’ after council cuts hit local services in Grange Villa in County Durham. Mrs Valentine pays the wages herself. Ms Honey, a former carer, also has her own motorised buggy provided by Mrs Valentine, and carries out any jobs local residents need including clearing rubbish, cutting hedges and going on patrol to find where street lights need replacing and the elderly need help. The scheme has been so successful Ms Honey has won the backing of Durham Police for her help to clear up the local community and make people feel safe and proud of their area.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.