A touchy man

July 13, 2014 at 3:52 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A bald amputee with a wooden leg is invited to attend a fancy dress party. Wanting to hide his baldness and his wooden leg, he writes to the Ryde Fancy Dress store to explain his problem and soon receives a parcel with a note:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your pate, and your wooden leg you will look the part as a Pirate.”

Outraged that the outfit emphasises his baldness and his leg he writes a strong letter of complaint, and soon receives another parcel and note:

“Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel, whatever were we thinking of? Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Incandescent with rage this time, for the same reason, he writes an even stronger letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the Ryde store, and a note:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a small tin of Syrup with our compliments. We suggest you pour the tin of Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.”

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Plane is downed… by an escaped CROCODILE: “A plane crash which killed a British pilot in Africa may have been caused by passengers panicking over an escaped crocodile. Today an inquest into his death heard a stampede may have broken out over an escaped crocodile in the cabin, which saw passengers surge forward, causing the plane to nose-dive. The only surviving passenger claimed the reptile spooked a cabin crew member, who ran towards the cockpit causing the passengers to follow. ‘There is apparently a video of the crocodile being taken out of the plane. He added: ‘It would have been a maximum of two or three feet in length. It was apparently quite normal for animals and chickens to be carried on the plane, it was used like a taxi in this regard.’

Do ladies in red make us see… red?: “If you decide to pull on a red dress for a night out, beware: other women might assume you’re out to steal their boyfriend. According to a new study by University of Rochester social psychologist Adam Pazda, women in red are perceived by other women as more sexually receptive and unfaithful than women wearing other colors like white or green. ‘The color of a woman’s shirt affects how men and women think about her,’ Mr Pazda told Today, explaining that red evokes sex because it symbolizes love and lust. ‘Women don’t want other women in red near their boyfriends,’ he added. Mr Pazda said that there is also a biological reason that the might be seen as sexual. ‘When [women] become sexually excited, they blush,’ he explained. The female participants in the study were first asked to look at pictures of women in white, and then at the same pictures which had been digitally altered to make it look like they were now wearing red. When asked which woman looked more promiscuous or ‘receptive to sex’, the overwhelming majority of respondents chose the one in red.”

Victorian camera revived: “It had been left untouched for decades, but thanks to one North-East man a Victorian studio camera has taken its first pictures in almost a century. The camera and stand is around 5ft tall and believed to date back to 1880-1900, a far cry from the digital gadgets of today. But after being discovered in a Sunderland attic, keen photographer Andy Martin has spent the best part of two years bringing the studio camera back to life. ‘I got a call from a friend and their uncle had a garage up in Roker,’ said 29-year-old Andy. ‘He was doing out the attic and this camera had been in there for at least 70 years.’ Knowing Mr Martin was a big fan of the older art of photography, his friend knew the camera would find a good home with him. ‘It was in a really sorry state, covered in dust and paint and unfortunately woodworm had got to quite a lot of the stand to the camera,’ he said. ‘I got it home and started stripping it down,’ said Mr Martin. ‘It’s huge, the plates it takes are 15 inches square. The camera itself on the stand was 5ft tall.’ Andy set about doing a lot of the work himself and said it was good fortune that the camera was made of mahogany as it was protected from woodworm.”

The human bomb magnet who’s been blown up 17 times: “He’s known as ‘the Bomb Magnet’ after surviving 17 explosions in Afghanistan and Iraq. Remarkably, Regimental Sergeant Major Patrick Hyde is virtually unscathed, having suffered just a few cuts and bruises. And no matter how close the call, the 38-year-old has written off every roadside bomb and rocket as an ‘occupational hazard’. Yesterday the unflappable Warrant Officer Class 1 received a gallantry medal for saving his colleagues’ lives while he lay wounded after his 17th brush with death. The soldier, who serves with the 4th Battalion The Rifles, was presented with his Military Cross by the Prince of Wales at Buckingham Palace. He received the award for helping to co-ordinate the evacuation of troops injured by an improvised explosive device (IED) that had knocked him to the ground in Helmand on July 19 last year. All but one of the 17 explosions took place in Sangin, a Taliban stronghold in Helmand where more than 100 service personnel perished.”

DIY broadband: “Frustrated residents in a remote village finally have superfast broadband – after they dug trenches and laid new cables themselves. Locals in Dolphinholme, Lancashire, had repeatedly asked internet provider BT to wire them up to the new superfast cable, since it took them several minutes to load a single webpage. But BT refused because of the village’s remoteness and the cost. So volunteers laid new cables themselves to connect the village of around 50 homes to a superfast network, provided by independent firm Broadband 4 Rural North (B4RN). They now have one of the fastest networks in the UK. Allen Norris, of the Dolphinholme B4RN Action Group, it was ‘life changing’ to the village. He said: ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that having hyper-speed broadband is a life-changing event. ‘Previously, we were getting speeds of around one megabit meaning it could take six or seven hours to download a simple smartphone software update and minutes to load a webpage. Now it takes seconds.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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