Interpreting Asian Mothers

April 1, 2014 at 11:50 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

They sound a lot like Yiddisher Mommas

1. Your Asian Mother Says: “Mummy’s getting old.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “Tell me how young I look. Compliment me on my skin.”

2. Your Asian Mother Says: “Mummy’s meal is not so good.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “I’ve spent hours slaving away on this meal. It’s possible it contains my actual sweat. Praise it or I will end you.”

3. Your Asian Mother Says: “Mummy’s drunk!”

Your Asian Mother Means: “I have consumed exactly one glass of wine.”

4. Your Asian Mother Says: “You are getting fat.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “You may possibly have gained more than 500gms since I saw you last.”

5. Your Asian Mother Says: “Did you get Mummy’s voicemail?”

Your Asian Mother Means: “You will be sorry when I’m dead.”

6. Your Asian Mother Says: “I love all my children equally.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “I prefer your brother.”

7. Your Asian Mother says: “Do you know the party host very well?”

Your Asian Mother Means: “You are going to get raped.”

8. Your Asian Mother says: “[Your Asian Mother] ‘likes’ your status.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “I don’t remember doing that? I was trying to check my Gmail.”

9. Your Asian Mother Says: “You are so successful in your job! Mummy’s so proud.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “Pay for my meal.”

10. Your Asian Mother Says: “You look just like Mummy when she was your age.”

Your Asian Mother Means: “You will secure love and happiness thanks to my genes so essentially you owe me everything.”


She’s heard it all

Original story here

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Number of British women having a baby after turning 50 DOUBLES in just five years: “The number women aged over 50 who have given birth has more doubled in just five years, new figures show. Almost three babies were born to a woman in her fifties every week, raising fears about the impact on the mothers and their children. Midwives warned older mothers are more likely to suffer miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies while their children could be born with genetic problems. In 2012, there were 154 babies born to mothers over the age of 50, up by a third in just a year. The figure has more than doubled since 2008 when there were just 69 births to women aged 50 and over. In 2000 the number was just 44. The number of births to mothers aged 40 and over has also risen, up 13 per cent from 26,419 in 2008 to 29,994 in 2012. It means 1 in 25 births are to mothers who have turned 40. The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists has warned that those over the age of 40 are up to three times more likely to lose their baby than younger mothers.” [The over-50s births will all be with donor eggs — which is like having someone else’s baby]

Balinese men lash burning coconut husks off each other in Hindu ritual to symbolise the purification of the human body: “It is a spectacular – albeit, painful – Hindu tradition that symbolises the purification of the human body. These photos show Indonesian men lashing burning coconut husks off each other today as part of the annual Mesabatan Api ritual. The bare-chested men can be seen picking up and swinging the blazing husks in Gianyar, Bali – before throwing them at others’ bodies. The captivating images, taken by photographer Agung Parameswara, show an array of sparkling embers lighting up the dark night’s sky. The national holiday, which is commemorated every Saka new year according to the Balinese calendar, promotes self-reflection, fasting and meditation. Meanwhile, activities such as working, watching television and travelling are restricted between the hours of 6am and 6pm.”

Council spends £2,000 on lamppost which emits no light: “Birmingham City Council spent £2,000 of taxpayers’ money on the new lamppost – which is completely blocked by a conifer tree. Birmingham City Council, the largest local authority in Europe, paid highways contractor Amey around £2,000 to install the new lamppost as part of a major upgrade of the city’s 95,000 street lamps. Rob Pocock, a Birmingham councillor, said the lamppost on Eastern Road in Boldmere, was “perfectly concealed” by the tree. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what the contractors had done. It must have taken a superhuman effort to get it so well hidden inside those trees. “The old lamppost protruded out from the trees so despite the conifers being quite thick the light still reached the pavement. “This new lamppost is utterly pointless.” Amey are now contacting the homeowner who owns the trees to discuss trimming the foliage back.”

Two-year-old saves mother’s life by dialling 999: “A two-year-old boy has saved his mother’s life by managing to call 999 when she collapsed, telling operators: “Mummy’s on the floor.” Paramedics rushed to their home in Barrow Upon Soar, Leicestershire where they discovered his mother Dana Henry, who had collapsed due to a dangerous blood clot after waking up with stomach pains. At 11.31am, Riley rang 999 and said: “Mummy’s asleep,” after which the call was passed to the ambulance service who managed to trace the address. He repeatedly said ‘hello’ and kept operators on the line, trying to explain that his mum was on the floor. Dana said she and partner, Rob Ward, 30, had always drilled it into Riley and his sister, Caitlin, five, that they should ring 999 if ever they could not wake either of them.”

Deadly weed: “A doctor bludgeoned his wife to death before killing himself over fears their home was blighted by Japanese knotweed, an inquest heard. In a suicide note, he said he killed his wife because the balance of his mind had been ‘disturbed’ by knotweed at their home in Rowley Regis, West Midlands. He wrote: ‘I believe I was not an evil man, until the balance of my mind was disturbed by the fact there is a patch of Japanese Knotweed which has been growing over our boundary fence on the Rowley Regis Golf Course.’ The doctor claimed golf course managers had been made aware of the problem but nothing had been done. After trying to curb the weed’s growth unsuccessfully, he said the risk of structural damage and legal battles ‘led to my growing madness.’ Black Country coroner Robin Balmain said it appeared Dr McRae had suffered from paranoia over the knotweed, which was not found on their property, although a patch of the invasive plant had been discovered nearby.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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