Irish Vasectomy

February 27, 2013 at 8:24 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children ….

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

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A bit of cleverness

A clever example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly.

The representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, “What a good opportunity to take a bath!” Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out he found, his clothes had vanished. Moses assumed a Palestinian was the obvious culprit!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”

The Israeli representative smiled and said quietly, “And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

A fire-extinguisher stickup: “A man who was arrested Sunday at a Glendale Walmart is accused of trying to take about a dozen employees hostage while brandishing a fire extinguisher, according to police documents. Witnesses told police Herman grabbed a bottle of alcohol off the shelf and lobbed it through a window, breaking both the window and the bottle, according to the reports. Store employees told police Herman ordered them to sit on the floor of the break room and lock the door. When they told him it couldn’t lock, he shut the door and began to pace, according to the reports. Police arrived and observed Herman holding the fire extinguisher. After an officer asked him to put the extinguisher down, Herman is accused of raising it in a “threatening manner,” according to police documents. The officer deployed his Taser on Herman and took him into custody.”

Ex-wife cleans up: “A HIGH-FLYING businessman has lost his property fight with his ex-wife who will get the kids, the house, and the diamond jewellery despite siphoning more than $200,000 from their joint account to pay her debts. One payment of $100,000 went to her father who had agreed to pay for the couple’s wedding eight years earlier on the condition she give the money back if her husband ever “walked out”. The bizarre litigation came to a head in the Family Court, which handed the former wife 53 per cent of the property pool, including an $11,500 “prestige watch” bought for her by her ex-husband. She also received $1.7 million property, a $10,000 diamond bracelet and a $37,000 prestige car. Justice Stuart Fowler ruled in her favour after hearing she raised the children, including one child with a severe illness, while her husband was on regular overseas business trips.”

Breastfeeding an ‘offence to humanity'(??) “AN inner west cafe is facing a breastfeeding backlash after a nursing mother claims staff told her to stop and that the practice was “disgusting” and “an offence to humanity”. A nurse-in protest has been organised for lunchtime Tuesday at Newtown’s Satellite cafe after word of the weekend incident spread on Facebook. Regan Matthews said she was initially approached by an apologetic waiter and asked to stop breastfeeding her nine-month-old son while at the Wilson Street cafe on Saturday afternoon on the instruction of management. “I immediately said ‘No, that’s illegal to ask me that’ and he just said ‘Oh, OK’, and backed off,” she said. The owner then approached Ms Matthews and told her she was using her manager’s discretion to tell her to stop. “She said ‘It’s offensive’,” said Ms Matthews, who asked if any of about four other customers were offended. None said they were. “So I was like, ‘Look no one else is offended, what’s the problem?”‘ “And she said ‘It is offensive’ … and as she was walking away from me she said over her shoulder ‘It’s an offence to humanity’.”

Starbucks not good at spelling: “In a bustling coffee shop at peak hours, it can be hard to hear over the din of caffeine addicts craving a fix to start their day. Sometimes in the craziness of the rush, you can forgive a barista for not hearing your name right or having time to double check. But if they’re going to make something up, you’d hope they could come up with something better than an anatomical description. In these hilarious images submitted to Reddit and the Starbucks Spelling, Starbucks patrons see their names mangled into everything from innocent nonsense words to the type of things you’d rather not think about while downing your morning espresso. Ann-Louise becomes Anus, Igmar becomes Enema, and lots of people get names that aren’t even in the dictionary. The goof-ups have become so common and funny that blogs and Tumblrs have even popped up to track the epic failures.

Posh chocolate brands left with egg on their face: “Supermarket Easter egg costing just £5 beats Harrods and Hotel Chocolat in blind taste test: “It is often said that money can’t buy class, and lit looks like it can’t buy taste either as a cheap and cheerful chocolate egg has cracked the competition to be crowned the best tasting Easter egg for 2013. A £5 supermarket Easter egg has beaten luxury rivals costing up to £70 in an annual taste test. The Chokablok American Dreamcake egg sold at Tesco scored 84/100 to take the title of Good Housekeeping Easter Egg of the Year, impressing the judging panel with its ‘varying textures, enticing design and value for money’. The Chocablok American Dreamcake egg costs a bargain £5 and has been named as the winner of the annual Good Housekeeping Easter Egg of the Year”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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