An obnoxious New Yorker…

February 22, 2013 at 3:20 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A New York smoothie walks into a bar and luckily finds a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’

The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch? ”What’s so special about it?’

The NYC smoothie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

The woman giggles and replies: ‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The NYC smoothie smiles, taps his watch and says: “Goddam thing’s an hour fast!”

..

..

Just trying to be helpful

I have just been fired from my job with the Emergency Call Centre.

A guy called Abdul phoned and said “I’m depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah.”

Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line” was the wrong response…

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Dog’s love affair ended by croc in Australia’s wild North: “A DOG has been eaten by a giant crocodile while enjoying a romantic swim with his girlfriend. The 4m saltie is believed to have killed seven dogs over the past few months. The dogs were swimming just offshore near a commercial fishing lodge when the crocodile struck. Ms Maczkowiak said the attack was witnessed by several people on shore. “They heard it and saw it,” she said. The croc is believed to have been a dark-skinned male named Bismarck by fishermen. Ms Maczkowiak, who has a five-month-old boy, said Vegas was a trained guard dog and probably approached the saltie to see it off. “I’m devastated,” she said, “I loved that dog.” She said the crocodile had been living near the lodge for more than 10 years and had grown huge.”

Tasmanian whisky? For France? “A TASMANIAN distillery is about to send its first order of single-malt whisky to France on the back of exposure at a major whisky event in Paris. Burnie-based Hellyers Road Distillery has received an order from spirits wholesaler La Maison du Whisky for a container of its single-malt varieties for distribution throughout France. Mr Littler said the distillery had participated in the Whisky Live Paris event for the past three years. It had provided the perfect platform for the minnow Tasmanian operation to road-test its product against the world’s leading whisky brands. “Single malt consumption in France defies the traditional demographic perception of what constitutes a whisky drinker,” Mr Littler said. “Predominantly it is younger people of both sexes driving growth in consumption. “French youngsters love the fact that Hellyers Road is a small outfit from Australia whose brand delivers romantic notions of a boutique product emanating from a small island state on the other side of the world.”

Cat chases off crocodile: “A PEEPING tomcat which strayed into an Indian zoo seemed indifferent to being a whisker away from death as it stared-down a curious crocodile. The clash of the predators was caught on film by a couple on holidays in Jaipur, India. The pair spotted the ginger and white moggy strolling into the Gharial crocodile enclosure to sit by the water as if it owned the place. One of the pond’s inhabitants began to glide through the water to what it thought could be a tasty treat as onlookers desperately tried to scare the cat away. But the tom had different plans. The croc edged closer only to be slapped twice on the snout by unsheathed paws. Somewhat startled by the defiance, the croc took a second take. It decided the furry fiend was too much trouble and retreated back to deeper water. With victory secured, the triumphant tom simply strolled away.” [The croc was a gavial, which primarily eats fish]

Sydney student adopts red fox as pet: “TO most inner west residents urban foxes are viewed as pests or a curious oddity half glimpsed while driving at twilight. But to St Peters’ Leonie Bunch the fox has become a passion, as well as a slightly unusual housemate. The 23-year-old student and emergency services dispatch operator adopted red fox Alistair (Ally) six months ago after approaching Canterbury-based Sydney Fox Rescue about foster care. Not-for-profit organisation Sydney Fox Rescue rescues and re-homes foxes in an effort to reduce the number of wild foxes preying on native wildlife. We can’t put him back in the wild because he’ll target native wildlife but he’s perfectly happy here, he’s nosy and curious and likes to roam the house and he has scheduled play dates in the parks where he sees all his favourite dogs.” Ally was found as a kit (a baby fox) in a Campbelltown back yard early last year but has since grown to embrace inner west life, complete with a backyard run, a “fox room” in the rear of the terrace and is “fairly toilet-trained”.

No central heating at Buck House? “The Queen may live in a 775-room palace but, it seems, she has the same concerns as any other pensioner when it comes to the rising cost of heating. With temperatures plunging in the northern winter, Her Majesty might have been expected to have a roaring log fire on the go. Instead, the ornate fireplace in her Audience Room at Buckingham Palace boasts a rather ancient-looking two-bar electric fire, for sale at most electrical stores for £29.99 ($44). The Royal family is famously hardy when it comes to the cold. Visitors to Balmoral often complain about the draughts. This picture also shows how carefully the Queen manages her budget. In recent years a backlog of essential repairs at the Royal palaces has built up as finances were squeezed by successive governments. The Queen has responded with cost-cutting measures including a pay freeze for aides and the scrapping of the Christmas party for palace staff.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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