Some Easter humor

April 26, 2011 at 4:07 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Distance makes the heart grow fonder: “Mrs Sheppard-Jakovic was a 60-year-old widow when she met Mr Jakovic, a 59-year-old lawyer, five years ago on the Queen Elizabeth II cruise liner. They fell for each other after discovering a mutual love of music and singing and began taking regular cruises together. The couple got married a year later and had two wedding days – one in Wales and one in the U.S.. The mother-of-two still lives in Lisvane, Cardiff, while Jay practises as an attorney in Albany, New York, around 3,300 miles away. The pair take it in turns to visit each other – making the trip about once a month. They say their transatlantic marriage works and they are ‘very happy’ together.”

Allergic mother-to-be forced to live on Big Macs during pregnancy… and gives birth to a 10lb 2oz whopper!: “When Suzanne Franklin fell pregnant, she was at a loss as to how she would eat for two. 23-year-old had suffered from extreme food allergies for year from eggs to dairy and fruit and vegetables. Doctors warned her that pregnancy would make the symptoms worse but that antihistamines could harm her baby. But Ms Franklin knew she wasn’t allergic to McDonald’s burgers – so she ate a Big Mac burger everyday throughout her pregnancy. Any worries about her unusual diet affecting her baby’s growth were unfounded – as she has given birth to her own 10Ib 2oz whopper. Ms Franklin said: `All those burgers definitely didn’t do him any harm. It was the only thing I could eat safely during my pregnancy, so I just lived on them. `When Harry was born and the doctors told me that he weighed over 10Ib’s I just couldn’t believe it. `I was worried that I wasn’t getting enough nutrients for me and the baby – but Harry definitely proved that wrong.”

Meet the robin that just loves to pose for the camera: “It can be one of the hardest subjects to capture on film. As any photographer will tell you, taking pictures of wild animals in their natural habitat requires patience, dedication and the ability to stay hidden for hours until that vital split-second moment when your subject eventually steps into the frame. Or at least that’s normally the case. But for amateur snapper Nicky Hepburn, photographing one particular animal involves nothing more than making sure her camera is primed and ready. For the 34-year-old has struck up a remarkable relationship with a robin that loves to pose for her. Whenever Nicky steps out into her garden, the confident bird arrives right on cue and appears more than willing to model for the camera.”

Satirists trick the New York Times: “The New York Times has run many a correction in its more than century and a half run, but it’s doubtful many have been as cringe-worthy as one that ran atop the corrections list in Sunday’s edition of the paper. It reads: “A series of pictures last Sunday of covers of the magazine Tiger Beat, with an article about how the original teen-girl tabloid has remained virtually unchanged since its inception in 1965, erroneously included a parody cover, produced by the satiric newspaper The Onion, that featured a picture of President Obama.” The Onion ran the fake cover – featuring the then-presidential candidate with the caption “Barack: ‘I sing in the shower!’ +More personal facts!” – in June 2007, with a satirical article headlined, “Barack Obama Tiger Beat Cover Clinches Slumber Party Vote.”

Last typewriter factory left in the world closes its doors: “It’s an invention that revolutionised the way we work, becoming an essential piece of office equipment for the best part of a century. But after years of sterling service, that bane for secretaries has reached the end of the line. Godrej and Boyce – the last company left in the world that was still manufacturing typewriters – has shut down its production plant in Mumbai, India with just a few hundred machines left in stock. Although typewriters became obsolete years ago in the west, they were still common in India – until recently. Demand for the machines has sunk in the last ten years as consumers switch to computers. The company’s general manager, Milind Dukle, told India’s Business Standard newspaper: ‘We are not getting many orders now. ‘Till 2009, we used to produce 10,000 to 12,000 machines a year. But this might be the last chance for typewriter lovers. Now, our primary market is among the defence agencies, courts and government offices.'”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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