The things a priest has to cope with

September 24, 2010 at 5:31 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’

‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replied.

‘Very well,’ sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Woman fends off bear with a zucchini: “A woman has managed to fend off a bear attack with an unlikely weapon – a zucchini [aka courgette]. Lieutenant Rich Maricelli, from the Missoula County sheriff’s department , Montana, says a 90-kilogram black bear attacked one of the woman’s dogs just after midnight on Wednesday on the back porch of her home. When the woman tried to separate the animals, the bear bit her in the leg. Lieutenant Maricelli said the woman reached for the nearest object at hand on the porch’s railing – a large zucchini she had harvested from her garden. She flung the vegetable at the bear, striking it and forcing it to flee. Lieutenant Maricelli says the woman did not need medical attention. Wildlife officials were trying to find the bear.”

Germany: Restaurateur in hot water over his big schnitzels: “A German restaurant operator has run into trouble with local tax authorities because he makes larger-than-average schnitzels — or veal cutlets — for his customers in a working class section of Saxony. Gerhard Kaltscheuer said his giant schnitzels are popular in the town of Hammerbruecke and he sells about 70 dishes per day. He said tax officials told him they believe he sells 200 portions daily based on the amount of raw material he purchases.”

A nasal spray could cure shyness: “Scientists have discovered that the hormone oxytocin could help wallflowers overcome awkwardness in social situations. The chemical dubbed “the hormone of love” is known to increase empathy and bonding – especially parents and their children. But now researchers have found it improves the social skills of the shy – but has little effect on those who are naturally confident. The finding could have implications for those with severe social deficiencies, often apparent in conditions like autism. Researchers at Israel’s Seaver Autism Center for Research and Treatment and Columbia University were examining whether the hormone, which occurs naturally in the body could make us more understanding of others.”

Shopkeeper attacks armed bandit with bare hands and wins: “Michael Jennings was doing the early shift at the Upper Edward St Newsagency at Spring Hill when he noticed someone behind the counter about 3.45am. “At first I thought it was my boss because he sometimes wears a blue beanie. Then I realised it wasn’t,” Mr Jennings said. Believing the balaclava-clad offender had stolen the shop’s float, Mr Jennings grabbed hold of him without any regard for his own safety. “He had a crowbar and a screwdriver and he got in a few blows to my face and side, but I eventually made him drop them,” he said. “I think we did more damage to the shop than me, rolling around.” “I managed to get his balaclava off so our security camera got a good shot of his face,” he said. The offender eventually struggled free from Mr Jennings and fled empty-handed.”

Football fanatic tattoos his penis: “Collingwood fan Justin Witcombe, 31, proudly wears his heart on his sleeve, and his legs and his chest and his face. Not even the family jewels are spared when it comes to football. The Corio tattooist has dedicated his body to football, 1970s rock band KISS and boxing great Mike Tyson. Yesterday he showed the Geelong Advertiser all but one of his Collingwood tribute tattoos, revealing a passion for all things black and white. “The only thing I haven’t managed to do is urinate in black and white,” he quipped. “If Collingwood win I’ll make room for another tattoo.” The first tribute to the club appeared on his right ankle to honour the 1990 premiership team. So just why did he tattoo a magpie and the number 35 on his manly parts? “I ran out of room,” he said.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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