Some ramblings of a Retired Mind

July 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Charming: Guy in Australia’s wild North outdoes the soup Nazi by far: “A Darwin restaurant owner has launched a tirade against a group of mothers – suggesting they “keep their legs closed” – after one diner brought her 11-week-old baby to his eatery. He then accused one woman of having “saggy tits” and suggested another had a “floppy c…”. Tramontana restaurant owner John Spellman refused to discuss the incident with the Northern Territory News yesterday. “Who cares,” he said when asked about the matter. Health worker Katie, 35, who asked not to have her surname published, said she booked the dinner for five women – including a mother with a newborn – on Wednesday night at the exclusive $1.7 million Italian restaurant. “As we walked out, he yelled out ‘you ladies better keep your legs together or you will end up like your friend’.” “When I called him a bastard, he said my friend had saggy tits. And I probably had a floppy ‘c’. He actually used the word.”

False bottoms: “Fascination with the hind-quarters of Beyonce and Kim Kardashian is fueling a booming market for undergarments that amplify the derriere. For centuries, women have wriggled into girdles and other slimmers to minimize their rear ends but, as 26-year-old Montreal wedding planner Azar Jazestani comments, “It’s not so hot to have a pancake a** these days”. Tara Rachel Benson, who favours the Booty Pop brand of underwear says the panties, which contain egg-shaped foam pads to plump up the posterior, are “part of the whole outfit”. On a recent night out to an album release party in Los Angeles, Benson put on her makeup, a tight-fitting Herve Leger dress, stiletto heels – and her Booty Pop panties.”

Woodhenge: “An ancient timber structure discovered close to Stonehenge has been hailed by experts as the most exciting finding at the site in half a century. Scientists who undertook a “virtual excavation” of the area around Stonehenge discovered “Woodhenge,” a similar circular structure made from timber, less than a mile away. The 5000-year-old structure was discovered after only two weeks of a three-year survey of the landscape in southern England. Experts said it was the most exciting finding at the site in 50 years. “This finding is remarkable,” said Professor Vince Gaffney, of the University of Birmingham’s Institute of Architecture and Archaeology. “It will completely change the way we think about the landscape around Stonehenge.”

Russian-built Superjet 100 causes a buzz at airshow: “Russia’s attempts to join industry big boys Airbus and Boeing in the aircraft market were given a boost this week at the Farnborough Air Show. Russian aircraft builder Sukhoi received a breakthrough order from Indonesia’s Kartika Airlines, which ordered 30 of its Russian-built Superjet 100s on July 19. The SuperJet has important implications for the way the world travels, especially as it is selling so well in developing regions such as eastern Europe and Asia. Along with other nimble short-range jets such as those made by Embraer or Bombardier (which have also announced several significant sales at Farnborough), it is ideal for rapidly-industrializing areas where traveling between cities by road or train is either difficult or impractical, such as China and Latin America. Sukhoi also says that the jet is cheaper to fly and faster than its rivals, as well as using 10 percent less fuel per seat.” [Sukhoi certainly are brilliant military aircraft builders]

Speedy country bumpkins in Australia: “Country drivers are the biggest creeps on our roads. Results from a secret survey of 130 road sites across the state reveal how 32,000 of 33,820 drivers exceeded the speed limit in one week in a country town. Almost 15,000 of those were travelling at more than 10km/h over the legal limit. The previously unreleased findings from the Centre for Automotive Safety Research surveys reveal almost 90,000 motorists in a period of one week were recorded speeding in 110km/h zones on country roads. The figures also showed 18 sites where average vehicle speeds of hundreds of thousands of vehicles are above the legal limit”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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