Al Qaeda to go on strike

June 26, 2010 at 2:02 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

LONDON, 23 June — Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 20% this July from 72 to just 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union (the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs, or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this action was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained:

We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are refusing to accept the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but otherwise I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings may be largely put down to the recent notoriety of the former White House correspondent, Helen Thomas. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Kids aged five and seven kill wanted criminal: “Two Indian boys aged five and seven reportedly hacked to death a wanted criminal after recognising him from police reports. The Times of India said today the young brothers marched into a police station in Uttar Pradesh, northern India, in blood-drenched clothes before declaring: “Humne Mahendra ko maar dala (We have killed Mahendra).” Stunned lawmen drove the boys to a nearby orchard where the pair led them to the alleged fugitive’s butchered corpse. Officers spoke with the boys’ father, who confirmed that the pair had killed the career criminal, who was being hunted by police over unspecified offences. Local villagers confirmed that the two boys had carried out the killing themselves”

Man dies from heart attack after receiving receipt for his own cremation: “An elderly Indian man was so shocked to receive a bogus receipt for his own cremation service that he suffered a heart attack and died, The Times of India reported overnight. Frail Than Singh, 70, was left aghast after reading that he had supposedly been cremated the week before. But before the anxious dairy farmer could get to the bottom of what had happened he started complaining of chest pains. Relatives rushed him to the hospital but Singh suffered a massive heart attack and died. In a macabre twist, his body was subsequently delivered to the same crematorium in Ghaziabad, northeastern India. And in another apparent coincidence, it was issued with the serial number 89 — the same number listed on the mysterious letter”

Wife must cop her ex’s prostitute bill: “A husband who spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes and massages does not have to pay it back to his wife, the Family Court has ruled. The wife, 58, claimed her husband “wasted” the money on brothels and holidays to the Philippines after 24 years of marriage and asked the court to order him to pay it back into the family purse so that it was part of matrimonial assets to be split between them, The Daily Telegraph reported. But Justice Peter Rose, sitting in the court in Sydney, has said that the husband had met his obligations to his wife, looked after their three children and was free to spend his income on what he wanted. Justice Rose said the husband, 58, had begun seeing prostitutes after a payout of more than $1.4 million in 2007 from an horrific car crash several years earlier that left him with serious injuries. By then the couple had split.”

You’d better be nice to the new vending machine: “If you’re happy and you know it, smile for the vending machine camera. The world’s first vending machine that serves you if you smile has been unveiled. The interactive machines have a digital screen embedded with a “smile-o-meter” that uses facial recognition technology. It can even take photos and upload them to social networking site Facebook with the user’s permission. The touch-screen trial model rewards users with a free ice cream after checking the size of their smile”.

Sexual stamina is overrated – 10 minutes is enough, say experts: “Couples who think they’re not measuring up because so many celebrities boast about sex sessions that last all night can take some comfort. Contrary to popular fantasy about the need for hours of passionate activity, sex therapists say about 10 minutes is perfectly satisfactory. In fact, shows such as Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives have created unrealistic expectations of bedroom performance that can only lead to disappointment. Real couples are satisfied with making love for between three and 13 minutes – and can find anything over 10 minutes tiresome.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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