Two Irish jokes

June 25, 2010 at 3:55 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” ” I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” ” That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” ” It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?” “Well, Brenda… No. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

No charges for Canadian woman who flashed boy, 5: “A Canadian woman has sparked controversy after settling a neighbourhood noise dispute by flashing her breasts at a five-year-old boy. Marika De Florio, 56, said the boy was driving her mad by driving a loud all-terrain vehicle past her house, the Toronto Sun reported. She decided to go topless in the street so that the boy’s grandparents would be forced to call him inside. The raunchy tactic did the trick but horrified Mike and Nancy Berry, who called the police in Seeley’s Bay, Ontario, to report her. Ms De Florio said she resorted to bearing her breasts because police were ignoring her complaints about the “maddening” noise. She vowed to repeat the tactic every time the boy played with the noisy toy. “I can’t believe I did this, but they pulled the kid inside and then called police because of their small town mentality.” Police said that Ms De Florio was not doing anything illegal”

We have a winner (at last): “The longest tennis match in history finally finished on Thursday, with John Isner beating Nicolas Mahut 70-68 in the final set after 11 hours and five minutes at Wimbledon. Isner dropped his racquet and fell to the ground in delight before embracing his opponent at the net when the marathon match ended two days after it had begun. A host of tennis records were shattered in the extraordinary contest, which Isner won 6-4 3-6 6-7 (7-9) 7-6 (7-3) 70-68 – a record unlikely ever to be beaten.”

Battle of the cowpersons: “New York’s famous Naked Cowboy is threatening a bikini-clad competitor who bills herself as “The Naked Cowgirl” with a lawsuit unless she cuts him in on her profits. Time Square tourist attraction Robert Burck sent a cease-and-desist letter to Sandy Kane in a bid to stop her from performing. Ms Kane is a fixture of the city comedy scene and former stripper famous for closing her act by lighting her breasts on fire, reports the New York Post. Burck is demanding that Ms Kane – who began appearing in Times Square in a red, white and blue cowboy hat and matching bikini several years ago – either stop making money off of his trademark or sign a “Naked Cowboy Franchise Agreement.”

Italian scientists held responsible for earthquake damage: “Six of Italy’s top seismologists are being investigated for manslaughter for not warning the city of L’Aquila about an earthquake that struck on April 6, 2009. The magnitude-6.3 earthquake caused 308 deaths and 1600 injuries, and left more than 65,000 people homeless. The L’Aquila public prosecutor’s office issued the indictments on June 3, a step that usually precedes a request for a court trial. The investigation originated when about 30 L’Aquila citizens registered an official complaint that the scientists had failed to recognize the danger of the earthquake during the days and weeks in advance.”

British man dies after sadistic sex session with ‘Europe’s most perverted dominatrix’: “A British man has died following a sado-masochistic sex session with a woman who boasts she is ‘Europe’s most perverted dominatrix’. The 58-year-old client collapsed in a shower after an ‘intense session’ with prostitutes calling themselves Mistress Lucrezia and her assistant Mistress Juno at their villa near Brecht, Belgium. The two women, whose website says they specialise in administering ‘extreme pain’, called an ambulance after their unnamed customer died on Tuesday afternoon. Lucrezia, 46, whose real name was given only as Ira V.D., and Juno, 37, were both arrested and charged with assault and battery leading to death, without intent to kill.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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