Some incorrect British jokes

June 23, 2010 at 2:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
Policeman says “Do you know the limit is 70?”
The driver leans into the back and says:
“Hear that? 3 of you have got to get out!”

4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
A Tesco truck last night. Every little helps.

Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo
With blood pouring from them.
“B:::::::: to that” said Paddy
“That’s the last time I go lion dancing”

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack: a bunk bed collapsed.
(The police are blaming AL-IKEA…)

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
Drug for depressed lesbians…. It’s called Trydixagain.

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

British man who had sex change wins right to receive social security payments five years early — at women’s retirement age: “A transsexual has won a legal fight to be officially treated as female despite still being married to a woman. The ruling means that the former Christopher Timbrell – now Christine – can claim a pension from the age of 60 like other women. The 68-year-old church-goer had been entitled to claim a pension only from 65 because the Government would not recognise that she was a woman while the couple continued to be married. But yesterday judges at the Civil Appeal Court ruled the decision not to pay out from 60 breached European laws on equality”

Pricey painting: “A rare self portrait by Edouard Manet’s has sold for more than £22 million at auction, in a record sale for the artist. The painting, “Self Portrait with a Palette”, was bought for a record price by New York dealer Franck Giraud, who was bidding at the Sothebys sale, in central London. The Manet was among 51 lots in Sotheby’s sale of Impressionist and modern works at the start of a series of auctions in London over the coming fortnight. Three lots sold for more than £10 million including the 1878 Manet, one of only two self-portraits he painted. It shows the artist dressed as a Parisian dandy, rather than as a working artist. It was created at a time when Manet was enjoying unprecedented critical acclaim… The work, part of a collection from Steven A Cohen, a high profile art collector and hedge fund manager, had been estimated to fetch between £20 million and £30 million.”

Goldilocks burglar discovered by New Zealand home-owner: “A Goldilocks-style burglar in New Zealand raided a fridge, drank alcohol, ate food, tried on clothes, and was found fast asleep in a bed when the home-owner returned. But the story did not have a happy ending for Vanessa Joy Long, 39, who has long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, when her victim exercised an option not available to the Three Bears and called police. Long pleaded guilty in Christchurch District Court on Monday, saying she had entered the house through an unlocked back door. She told the court that she had blacked out and had no idea what happened. Judge Stephen Erber remanded her on bail for sentencing until September 1. The home-owner is seeking £720 in damages for damage to the bedding and mattress, and the cost of food, drink.”

Rich Muslim rips off British welfare system: “An NHS management consultant who charges more than £300 per hour has been jailed for fraudulently claiming thousands of pounds in benefits. Zahid Ali claimed a total of about £15,000 in housing benefit, council tax benefit and Jobseeker’s Allowance – even though he owns properties in Dubai and lives in a £1milion Surrey mansion. The 47-year-old father-of-three failed to declare earnings of £212,000 between 2004 and 2008, which he made through his management consultancy company Coulsdon Limited. Meanwhile, he drew benefits from Sutton Council, Reigate & Banstead Borough Council and the Department for Work and Pensions. He was jailed for nine months after pleading guilty to seven counts of benefit fraud. Passing sentencey, Judge Heather Baucher branded Ali ‘greedy, manipulative and cunning’.”

Australian drinking buddies shoot one-another for fun “Two drinking mates are in trouble with the law after they decided to take turns shooting each other with an air rifle in Victoria’s west. The men, both aged 34 from near the Grampians, are set to undergo surgery to remove slug pellets from their buttocks and legs after the farmyard stunt turned awry. After a few beers on Sunday, at about 5.30pm they decided to shoot each other to see if the pellets would penetrate their skin or hurt. They initially thought they were fine until intense pain set in. One man took himself to hospital before police contacted his mate.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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