Governmental dead horses

February 19, 2010 at 3:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: “This is the way we have always ridden dead horses”.

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse’s performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as “living-impaired”.

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

THE NEWS

Germans rush to declare tax crimes: “More than 550 taxpayers contacted officials in the southwestern German state of Baden-Wuerttemberg, tax authorities said overnight after Germany decided to buy information on bank accounts held in Switzerland. The prosperous state which includes Stuttgart has heard in the past 10 days from 556 people who omitted to pay about €85 million ($120 million) in taxes on income and investments, regional finance minister Willie Staechele said. German tax collection is the responsibility of state authorities. The Federal Government approved this month a purchase by the state of North Rhine-Westphalia of a computer disk said to contain the names of 1,500 such taxpayers, despite controversy stemming from the fact that it was also said to have been stolen. Press reports said officials were prepared to pay €2.5 million ($3.82 million) for the information, and Baden-Wuerttemberg has also been offered a disk and is now deciding whether or not to buy it. Nationwide, data purchases are expected to net more than €100 million ($152.66 million) in back taxes, with some estimating proceeds as much as four times that amount. Tax officials have advised Germans to declare themselves before the disks are examined, which would force them to pay back taxes but allow them to avoid legal proceedings.”

Half of men look at breasts before face: Nearly half of British men [The honest ones] quizzed in a new survey confessed to looking at a woman’s chest before her face. In the biggest study of its kind, British cosmetic surgery giants Transform interviewed 3000 women and 1000 men. The results revealed a number of eye-opening truths about the UK’s attitudes to breasts in the 21st Century. Four in ten men quizzed admitted they looked at women’s breasts at least 10 times every day, while nine in 10 women admitted to checking out their rivals’ assets several times a day. Four in 10 women said they suffered from “breast envy” among their friends and work colleagues, and 63 percent of those surveyed wanted bigger boobs. But almost half of all men questioned thought their partner’s breasts were beautiful and would refuse to change anything about them.”

Man-sized crab shellshocks UK crustacean fans: “A monster crustacean as big as a man has been christened “Crabzilla” upon his arrival in Britain. The two-metre-long Japanese Spider Crab arrived this week at Birmingham’s National Sea Life centre en route to his final destination in a specially adapted Belgian display tank. “It is rumoured these crabs can grow as big as four metres,” curator Graham Burrows said, “big enough to straddle a car”. “Crabzilla certainly lends credence to those claims.” The colossal crustacean has been flown to the UK from Japan and is ultimately bound for Belgium to take up permanent residence at a Sea Life centre in Blankenberge. Having been quarantined in the UK, however, Sea Life marine experts agreed that UK animal lovers deserved a chance to see him before he crosses the Channel in March. “He will absolutely dwarf the other crabs in there, but he’s not aggressive and they should have nothing to worry about,” Mr Burrows said. The Japanese spider crab, Macrocheira kaempferi, is the largest known member of the arthropod family, which includes all invertebrates with jointed limbs.”

Zsa Zsa’s flamboyant husband joins race for California governorship: “Prince Frederic von Anhalt, a flamboyant socialite and eighth husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, has officially entered the California governor’s race. Von Anhalt’s political platform includes legalizing marijuana and prostitution, lifting the import ban on Cuban cigars then taxing them all. The 65-year-old flew to Sacramento Wednesday from his Los Angeles home to file his candidate papers. Von Anhalt says he was motivated to run by watching the mistakes of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who he says has let Californians down. Von Anhalt is the only independent in a field that includes Republicans Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner and the presumed Democratic candidate, Attorney General Jerry Brown.”

Australia’s dumbest crook: “A country burglar could be Australia’s dumbest crook after leaving a trail of extraordinary clues along his crime spree route. Within an hour of being charged and bailed over other break-ins, Bendigo man Andrew Bawden, 36, was back in business, busting into cars and houses and robbing offices and a cathedral. But his one-man crime wave came unstuck when he dropped his police charge sheet at one crime scene. Two hours later he dropped the DVD of his police interview at another. “You get crooks sometimes who leave one thing that’s stupid. Both things are extraordinary,” Bendigo police Sgt Brendon Murphy said. But Sgt Murphy said it was important to remember the trauma faced by Bawden’s victims before ineptitude ended the spree. “We’re just thankful this numbskull’s been nipped in the bud,” he said. Bawden’s busy but badly managed crime spree happened early this month but was outlined on Tuesday in Bendigo Magistrates’ Court. The court heard Bawden had been out of jail for three months after serving a four-year sentence, but quickly returned to crime. Bawden, of Golden Square, pleaded guilty to about 30 counts. He was remanded in custody for sentence on March 31.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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2 Comments »

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  1. […] Wicked Thoughts [Tweet this post]  [Comments (0)]  […]

  2. This is wonderful. Please send it on to Mr. Obama, Mr. Reid, Ms. Pelosi, Ms. Boxer, and Mr. Biden. (Yeah, many politicos from past administrations of both parties could have benefited from this posting also.)


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