25 highbrow jokes

August 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I didn’t get them all, either, but I liked nos. 10 and 24

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

..

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

US ‘bikini barista’ owner sues city after being accused of using espresso stand as brothel: ” A US woman accused of using her espresso stands as drive-thru brothels is suing the city of Everett in Washington state to recover $US250,000 she says was wrongfully seized by police. Carmela Panico owns the Java Juggs and Twin Peaks “bikini baristas”. She was arrested in June and accused of promoting prostitution, but she has not been charged. The cash was seized in a search of her home in Washington state. The Daily Herald reports the lawsuit was filed after Ms Panico was notified that the city planned to keep the cash as proceeds from criminal activity. Coffee shops in the Seattle area introduced bikini baristas several years ago, hiring attractive young women to serve up steamy espressos and lattes while wearing as little as a G-string and pasties.

It’s DOLPHINS that never forget: “Dolphins may be better than humans at recognising long-lost friends and can identify them even after more than 20 years apart, according to research from the University of Chicago. They identify their old companions by their signature, name-like whistle, a study has found, and scientists say it is the longest social memory recorded for a non-human species. And because we rely on sight for recognition – and faces change over time, while the signature whistle remains the same – their ability to recognise old pals may last even longer than ours. Researchers from the University of Chicago said this shows dolphins have a level of cognitive sophistication comparable to only a few other species, including humans, chimpanzees and elephants. Previous studies have shown that each dolphin develops its own unique signature whistle that appears to function as a name.”

Bungling British cops ‘go to wrong town’ as burglars raid newsagent’s and steal £5,400 of stock: “Burglars who were spotted breaking into a shop were still able to spend three hours getting in and steal £5,000 worth of goods – after police were sent to the wrong village. The thieves were seen sawing a hole in a Spar door in Combe Martin, Devon, by a member of the public who immediately dialled 999. But instead of directing police to Combe Martin, emergency operators sent two squad cars five miles away to Illfracombe. Meanwhile the burglars were able to get into the shop and made off with £5,400 worth of alcohol and cigarettes. Owner Sue Sussex, 61, checked her CCTV and established the burglars spent three and a half hours at her premises in the raid last Friday morning at 1am. She said: ‘They tried everything to get in but the shop is so secure it took them hours. The police would have literally caught them red-handed had they come to the right place.”

Bungling is British: “An inquiry has been opened after a 14-year-old girl died from an asthma attack while an ambulance went to the wrong address. Paramedics were called when Elouise Keeling collapsed with breathing problems during an Air Cadets meeting at an RAF base. But a call handler is said to have sent the ambulance to another base seven miles away. By the time a second ambulance arrived at the correct location, crews were unable to save her and she was pronounced dead at the scene. When no ambulance arrived, cadet leaders made a second call to 999 and another ambulance was sent to the correct address. It arrived 19 minutes after the first call, more than twice the target time of eight minutes. The East of England Ambulance Service Trust yesterday admitted the delay may have contributed to her death and launched an investigation into whether it was the decisive factor.”

Panicky British Keystone Kops freaked by a TV remote: “A couple were arrested at gunpoint by 18 police officers and held for four hours after a paramedic mistook their TV remote control for a gun. Michelle Malone, 46, and Keith Abrahams, 44, were in bed when 18 officers stormed their flat and bundled them out into a police van. The couple’s nightmare began when a paramedic was sent to their home after Miss Malone suffered a panic attack. As he entered the bedroom to treat Miss Malone, he spotted the remote control in Mr Abrahams’ hand. Apparently mistaking it for a gun, he immediately called police. Eighteen officers – ten of whom were armed and wearing body armour – then burst into the flat at 1am and the couple were arrested at gunpoint. Michelle Malone and Keith Abrahams, say they were questioned for four hours about the ‘firearm’ before they were released without charge. The couple said they were surrounded by ten armed officers wearing body armour, eight uniformed police as well as a dog handler during the raid at 1am on June 24 in Hereford.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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