Some paraprosdokiansMarch 7, 2013 at 2:29 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Winston Churchill loved them. Some examples from him:
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put “DOCTOR”
11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
12. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..
13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
14. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
16. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now its getting harder and harder for me to find one.
Odd news from around the world
Japanese Man dies after hospitals reject him 36 times: “A 75-year-old Japanese man died after 25 hospitals refused to admit him to their emergency rooms 36 times over two hours, an official said. The man, who lived alone in a city north of Tokyo, called an ambulance after suffering breathing problems at his home in January. Paramedics rushed to his house but were told in turn by all 25 hospitals in the area that they could not accept the man because they did not have enough doctors or any free beds, a local city official said, adding some institutions were contacted more than once. The ambulance eventually made a 20 minute drive to a hospital in neighbouring Ibaraki prefecture, but the man was pronounced dead shortly after arrival. The cause of death has not been made public. One of the paramedics told Jiji Press they had never experienced “a patient being rejected so many times”.
Woman mauled to death by lion in Zimbabwe during sex: “RESIDENTS of a resort town in Zimbabwe are on alert after a rogue lion mauled to death two people. Reports suggest that the man and his girlfriend, identified as Sharai Mawera, were having sex in a bushy area in Kariba when the lion attacked. “Unfortunately the woman, who was also known as Mai Desire, was mauled to death by the lion but her boyfriend managed to escape naked and he was only wearing a condom,” a source told myzimbabwe.com. It says the man managed to escape and ran off while the woman was mauled to death. Many motorists ignored the man, MyZimbabwe reported, because he was running all over the road naked. An arm and the remains of a second corpse, believed to be an as-yet-unidentified man, were found by rangers hunting for the lions. The National Parks and Wildlife Authority said fliers are being handed out in the town and warned people against walking at night and using footpaths through the bush as shortcuts.”
New British branch of Swedish bank gets a plug from the Governor of the bank of England: “The Governor of the Bank of England has advised a businessman who was refused a loan to try borrowing from a Swedish bank instead. Mike Benson was so ‘incensed’ when the Bank of Scotland refused to lend him £10,000 for a new transit van for his successful business he wrote to Sir Mervyn King to demand an explanation. In an apparent acknowledgement of the failure of British banks to lend to small businesses, Sir Mervyn suggested Mr Benson approach the Swedish Handelsbanken. Mike Benson said it was a ‘damning indictment’ of the state of British banks in the UK. Latest figures show that lending to businesses has continued to fall. Mr Benson’s firm, which supplies air compressors across the world, has been in profit for the last 15 years and has customers as far afield as the US and Chile. Bank of Scotland refused Mr Benson a loan arguing his business did not have sufficient ‘fixed assets’ – items that can be sold if a loan goes wrong – to act as security.”
Facebook not very arty: “As the work of a renowned French photographer, this nude photograph is celebrated as a work of art. It currently features in an exhibition at the Jeu de Paume museum in Paris, attracting art lovers from across the most romantic city of all. Despite this, however, it appears that Facebook is far less impressed. The museum’s Facebook account was blocked for 24 hours on Friday after the social networking site decided to remove the photograph from the museum’s page. In a message which the museum received, Facebook said the photograph was a violation of its guidelines. The picture was taken by Laure Albin Guillot (1879-1962) and was included in the exhibition of the photographer at the contemporary art museum, which is located in central Paris. The controversy follows the decision by Facebook last year to remove an image of Gerhard Richter’s ‘Ema’ from the page of the Paris Pompidou Center. However, it did later apologise for confusing the painting with a photograph. The social networking site forbids nude photographs, however, it does not ban nude paintings or sculptures.”
Harrods refuses to allow six women dressed in Welsh national costume into the store on St David’s Day: “Like any proud Welshwomen, they wanted to celebrate St David’s Day. But when these friends arrived at Harrods in national costume, the celebrations came to an abrupt end. Their outfits of tall black hats, red skirts and white aprons apparently didn’t meet the dress code of the exclusive London store. A uniformed woman security officer told them: ‘You can’t come in here dressed like that.’ The group, including a doctor, an NHS manager, a lawyer and a fashion designer, had spent £200 on their traditional costumes to make sure March 1 – the day the Welsh honour their patron saint St David – was one to remember. They were on a weekend theatre trip to London from their homes in Bridgend, South Wales, and a trip to the Harrods champagne bar was on their itinerary. Yesterday Harrods apologised for the blunder, and pointed out that the women were allowed in after security checks. It was only when the women protested that they were being racially discriminated against that the store backed down”
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