Favorite British jokes

February 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, ‘I’m not happy’. To which I replied, ‘Which one are you then.”

“I swallowed some Tippex last night. Woke up with a massive correction.”

“What’s the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

“Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”

“Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other: ‘How do you start this thing?’”

“My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.”

“What do you call a law student who tries to sue himself? Self tort.”

“A freshwater fish strolls into a bar humming loudly to itself and the barman says, “Why the song, dace?”"

“What do you call a teacher with no arms, no legs, and no body? The Head.”

Original story here

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Judge resigns after he was caught on camera sleeping during testimony: “A special education judge has been forced to resign after being filmed sleeping during a testimony critical to the future of a suicidal teenager. Larry Craddock was presiding on a hearing in Texas when he was captured on a mobile phone camera sleeping through a ‘quarter of the proceedings’. Craddock was serving as a state-appointed judge and jury at an educational court proceeding brought by Donna Harvey and Sheryl Kaminsky fighting for their son Ryan. The proceeding, known as ‘Due Process’, is a costly, last port of call for parents with special needs children in Texas to challenge how their public school is educating their child. The cost of fighting school districts can run into tens of thousands of dollars. Ryan’s parent Donna Harvey said she felt ‘cheated tremendously’ that the judge had slept through a hearing which was so critical for her son’s future”

Library forced to shut down intelligent computer that ‘learns’ after it starts giving borrowers saucy X-rated backchat: “Ever since Stanley Kubrick’s homicidal computer HAL 9000 hit our screens in 2001: A Space Odyssey there has been a growing concern that ever improving technology will one day outsmart humans. And it seems those fears have come sooner than expected for authorities at Tsinghua University in China. That’s after they were forced to shut down a much lauded intelligent computer system at its library when it appeared to have ‘learned’ a host of X-rated remarks. According to the Beijing News the library’s sassy assistant Xiaotu had been programmed to answer more than 10,000 questions about borrowing books and searching for essays. But as a result of pranks by students it now has now been taught 40,000 responses for users, many of which have been deemed too saucy by the university.”

A real life Tweety and Sylvester: “The long-held belief that cats and birds are amongst nature’s worst enemies is being challenged by a kitten and a chick that have struck up the unlikeliest of friendships. This picture reveals the special bond between the pair with the cute moggie happy to eat, sleep and play with its companion. The pair formed their relationship after five-year-old Maria Fedorov brought the hungry stray kitten home to her parents house in Moscow Russia. Reluctantly, her parents allowed her to keep the bird and to their surprise they instantly became best friends. Maria’s father, Alexander, from, Moscow, Russia, said: ‘When Maria found out she could keep the kitten she was full of joy. ‘The next morning while helping her mum with the morning shopping she saved a chick from a cat in the market square and also brought it home. ‘Despite our fears both pets started to play with each other. They moved everywhere as twins, played, slept and even ate together.’”

New York high school’s Tourette’s outbreak mirrors bizarre ‘Dancing Plague’ in France in 1518: “The mysterious Tourette’s-like epidemic that has afflicted 21 people, mostly teenage girls from a small high school in rural upstate New York, is strikingly similar to a deadly ‘Dancing Plague’ that affected 400 people in France nearly 500 years ago. In July 1518, Frau Troffea went into the streets of Strasbourg, France, and started dancing and refused to stop for days on end. Within a week some 34 people had joined her and within a month, the streets filled with 400 frantic dancers who claimed they could not stop moving. Some danced until they fell dead of exhaustion, stroke and heart attack. Cases of ‘mass hysteria,’ or more formally ‘mass psychotic illness,’ throughout history could give doctors some clue as to the cause, and the cure, of the involuntary tics that have focused the world’s attention on tiny Le Roy, New York. But Drs Laszlo L Mechtler and Jennifer McVige, two Buffalo neurologists who are treating some of the teenage girls, believe they suffer from conversion disorder — which sees them channeling their stress and anxiety through a series of involuntary tics. But they also believe the rash of symptoms could be the result of ‘mass psychotic illness’ like the 1518 Dancing Plague. And social media is only making it worse.”

Scottish children’s tsar adds support to schoolboy’s battle to wear a skirt to school: “Scotland’s children’s tsar has backed a schoolboy’s campaign to wear a skirt to class. Tam Baillie, the Scottish parliament’s Commissioner for Children and Young People, said 13-year-old Luca Scarabello had ‘raised important rights issues’. The teenager, who attends St Mungo’s High School in Falkirk, Stirlingshire, lodged a petition with the Scottish Government in November calling for a ban on ‘gender-specific uniforms’. Mr Baillie said ‘We should be rejecting discriminatory practice and allowing our children and young people to express themselves. ‘School uniforms and dress codes should not be discriminate, directly or indirectly against any of these protected groups. ‘Schools should be reviewing their uniform code policies to ensure they do not have the effect of unlawfully discriminating against pupils with a protected characteristic.’ However he accepted that having a uniform acts as a “leveller” between children of differing financial backgrounds and helped reduce stigma and bullying.”

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