Wicked Thoughts

Some senior thoughts

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied… ‘Two years older than me’

‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

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I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’ ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

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My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

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THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Big Mac gets bad rap in vego city: “RESIDENTS of America’s healthiest city have reacted with anger to a decision to open a McDonald’s restaurant in their midst. Loma Linda, California, which has no bottle shop and has been tobacco free for three decades, has one of the best longevity rates anywhere in the world. Half of its 23,000 population are Seventh Day Adventists, many of whom practise vegetarianism and eschew alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine. According to the city’s website, it “offers residents an alternative to the intense, often anonymous lifestyle so characteristic of modern life”. The decision to allow a McDonald’s franchise to open was made by a 3-2 majority of the city council but opponents have called for it to be overturned. In 2005, Loma Linda was named by National Geographic as one of the world’s four places with the most people living healthily into their nineties.”

The car that’s too cheap: “The world’s cheapest car has a unique problem. Buyers are turned off by the low price tag. The “world’s cheapest car”, the Tata Nano, is being shunned by buyers in India because it is too cheap. India’s Economic Times reports that sales for the diminutive car, which retails at less than $3000, have been well below initial projections, with buyers turned off by the stigma of owning the cheapest new car on the planet. Tata, which ironically also owns the luxury Jaguar and Land Rover brands, is producing only 10,000 Nanos a month, well short of its initial target of 25,000. The car was supposed to put less wealthy Indian families into a new car, but it seems they are opting for either more expensive models or more upmarket second-hand cars with air-conditioning. The paper says the Nano has been stuck with the label of “poor man’s car”, with the lack of air-conditioning a sticking point.”

The grandma who’s a mum again at 53… despite the fact she was still taking the Pill just in case: “At the age of 53, Debbie Hughes imagined the only babies she would be looking after would be her granddaughters. Instead, despite taking the contraceptive Pill, she has become one of Britain’s oldest ever naturally conceiving mothers – giving birth to a healthy baby boy named Kyle. Miss Hughes took a pregnancy test after her family teased her about putting on weight, expecting the notion that she was having another child to be swiftly ruled out. But after putting on her reading glasses to decipher the result, the astonishing news began to sink in. Now she is nursing the unexpected addition to her family, who is 26 years younger than his elder brother. As fertility experts described her achievement as ‘remarkable’, Miss Hughes was yesterday relearning the ropes of motherhood. fter informing her GP – who ‘nearly fell off his chair’ – she was booked to see a midwife. Despite being worried about her age, Miss Hughes, of Daventry in Northamptonshire, had a textbook pregnancy, with only a small amount of morning sickness in the first few months.”

One that get away: “When a family’s pet hamster went missing and they found his cage ripped open by a cat, they feared the worst. But adventurous Pipsqueak had escaped the clutches of the predatory puss and run down the street to find refuge. The Chalkleys were amazed when the brave furball turned up in the most unlikely of hideouts – a pest controller’s garage. Mrs Chalkey, a 41-year-old healthcare assistant, said it was clear from the damage to Pipsqueak’s cage that he had been attacked by a cat. But two days later pest controller Stuart Lazenby, 40, who lives 100 yards down the road from the family, knocked on their door with Pipsqueak in a bucket. He said: ‘I was in the garage and I heard a noise and thought it was a cat, but when I looked down I saw a little white Hamster. ‘It is lucky my wife was walking past at the right time and heard two mothers talking about a hamster in the playground. And lo and behold it was Pipsqueak. ‘I think I got there just in time or the cat would have eaten him.’”

Marine joker gets past the censors: “They’re well known for their macho humour and often crude practical jokes, so maybe the Radio Times should have seen this one coming. However, the TV listings magazine has been forced to apologise after it failed to notice that one cheeky member of the Royal Marines had exposed himself in a publicity picture published in last week’s magazine. Staff at the publication mistook the man’s private parts for a finger, even though the man’s arms are by his sides, and let the photo go to press uncensored. The unidentified soldier is one of 42 marines who lined up for the photo used to promote a new documentary entitled Royal Marines: Mission Afghanistan which will be broadcast on Channel 5. This week, the magazine printed an apology after realising that the marine, who was not standing to attention, manage to pull off his cheeky stunt.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.