The philosophy of excreta

May 31, 2009 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Eastern Religion & Philosophy

TAOISM: sh*t happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “sh*t happens”.

ZEN: (What is the sound of sh*t happening?)

ZEN BUDDHISM: sh*t is, and is not.

BUDDHISM: sh*t happens, but pay no mind.

BUDDHISM #2: If sh*t happens, it isn’t really sh*t.

SHINTOISM: sh*t is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This sh*t has happened before.

Religions of The Book

JUDAISM: Why does sh*t always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

HASIDISM: sh*t never happens the same way twice.

CATHOLICISM: sh*t happens because you are bad.

CATHOLICISM #2: If sh*t happens, you deserve it.

JESUITISM: If sh*t happens and when nobody is watching, is it really sh*t?

ISLAM: sh*t happens if it is the will of Allah.

ISLAM #2: If sh*t happens, kill the person responsible.

ISLAM #3: If sh*t happens, blame Israel.

Christianism

BORN AGAIN: sh*t must be born again.

CALVINISM: sh*t happens because you don’t work.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: sh*t is in your mind.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE #2: When sh*t happens, don’t call a doctor — pray!

CONGREGATIONALIST: sh*t that happens to one person is just as good as sh*t that happens to another.

EPISCOPALIAN: It’s not so bad if sh*t happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

FUNDAMENTALISM: If sh*t happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

FUNDAMENTALISM #2: If sh*t happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES: No sh*t happens until Armageddon.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #2: >KnockKnock< sh*t happens.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #3: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our sh*t?

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #4: sh*t has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

LUTHERAN: If sh*t happens, don’t talk about it.

METHODIST: It’s not so bad if sh*t happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

MORMONISM: God sent us this sh*t.

MORMONISM #2: This sh*t is going to happen again.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this sh*t happen to someone else.

PRESBYTARIAN: This sh*t was bound to happen.

QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this sh*t.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No sh*t on Saturdays.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe sh*t happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.

UNITARIANISM #2: sh*t that happens to one person is just as bad as sh*t that happens to another.

UNITARIANISM #3: Come let us reason together about this sh*t.

New Age and Modern Sects

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you sh*t before your were born.

EST: If my sh*t bothers you, that’s your fault.

HARE KRISHNA: sh*t happens, rama rama.

MOONIES: Only happy sh*t really happens.

NEW AGE: Visualize sh*t not happening.

SCIENTOLOGY: sh*t happens if you’re on our sh*t list.

SCIENTOLOGY #2: If sh*t happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.

Other religions

AZTEC: Cut out this sh*t!

BAHA’I: It’s all the same sh*t.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the sh*t away.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

IDOLISM: Let’s bronze this sh*t.

SATANISM: SNEPPAH TIHS.

THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the sh*t that happens.

VOODOO: Hey, that sh*t looks just like you!

WICCAN: Mix this sh*t together and make it happen!

WICCAN #2: An it harm none, let sh*t happen.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad sh*t happens, and good sh*t happens.

ZOROASTRIANISM #2: sh*t happens half on the time.

Philosophy

AGNOSTICISM: What is this sh*t?

AGNOSTICISM #2: sh*t might have happened; then again, maybe not.

AGNOSTICISM #3: Did someone sh*t?

ATHEISM: I don’t believe this sh*t!

ATHEISM #2: What sh*t?

CHARISMATIC: This is not sh*t and it doesn’t smell bad.

CHAUVINISM: We may be sh*t, but you can’t live without us…

DEISM: sh*t just happens.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny sh*t happened to me today.

EXISTENTIALISM: sh*t doesn’t happen; sh*t is.

EXISTENTIALISM #2: What is sh*t, anyway?

FEMINISM: Men are sh*t.

FORTEANISM: No sh*t??

HEDONISM: There is nothing like a good sh*t happening!

MYSTICISM: What weird sh*t!

NIHILISM: Who needs this sh*t?

NIHILISM #2: No sh*t.

OBJECTIVISM: Our sh*t is good for you.

OPTIMISM: No way this sh*t will happen to me!

PESSIMISM: sh*t happens to me all the time.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: sh*t happens because of your toilet training.

SECULAR HUMANISM: sh*t evolves.

STOICISM: This sh*t is good for me.

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the sh*t.

Politics

CAPITALISM: That’s MY sh*t.

COMMUNISM: Equal sh*t happens to all people.

COMMUNISM #2: It’s everybody’s sh*t.

FASCISM: sh*t makes the trains run on time.

REAGANISM: Don’t move; the sh*t will trickle down.

Others

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS: sh*t happens — one day at a time!

COMMERCIALISM: Let’s package this sh*t.

CREATIONISM: God made all sh*t.

DARWINISM: This sh*t was once food.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-sh*t.

IMPRESSIONISM: From a distance, sh*t looks like a garden.

MASONIC: sh*t happens, but we can’t discuss it during Lodge.

PRACTICAL: Deal with sh*t one day at a time.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this sh*t.

RED CROSS: sh*t happens – send money.

UTOPIANISM: This sh*t does not stink.

THE NEWS

History students are most promiscuous: “Historians enjoy the most active sex lives according to a survey of students at Oxford University. The survey of more than 850 students by Oxford University student newspaper Cherwell also revealed that students who do not have sex more than once a month are most likely to get a first in their degree. But students who claimed to have a more active sex life are more likely to attain a 2:1 or 2:2 in their degree. Historians were found to claim to be more sexually active than any other undergraduate, closely followed by students studying politics, philosophy, economics and English literature. According to the responses gathered by Cherwell, the most promiscuous colleges at Oxford University were Somerville and New, whilst in contrast, it was University College that had the greatest proportion of virgins. The survey revealed that 15 per cent of students were still to lose their virginity.”

New type of cloud found: “Meteorologists believe they have discovered a new classification of cloud after the unique formation has been spotted in skies around the world. Experts at the Royal Meteorological Society are now attempting to have the new cloud type, which has been named “Asperatus” after the Latin word for rough, officially added to the international nomenclature scheme used by forecasters to identify clouds. If successful, it will be the first variety of cloud to be classified since 1953. The new type of cloud forms a dark, lumpy blanket across the sky and has been sighted in locations all over the world, including above the hills of the Scottish Highlands and above Snowdonia, Wales. “It is a bit like looking at the surface of a choppy sea from below,” said Gavin Pretor-Pinney, founder of the Cloud Appreciation Society, who first identified the asperatus cloud from photographs that were being sent in by members of the society. “We try to identify and classify all of the images of clouds we get in, but there were some that just didn’t seem to fit in any of the other categories, so I began to think it might be a unique type of cloud.”

British smoker moves to remote Scottish Island to kick habit: “Geoff Spice claims he has tried every method to give up smoking and has now decided his only change of success lies in marooning himself away from temptation to the 40-acre island of Sgarabhaigh. Retired banker Mr Spice will spend a month on isle in the Sound of Harris in the Outer Hebrideas with only sheep for company. “I don’t think it will be too difficult to spend a month on the island,” said Mr Spice, ” I can be happy with my own company as well as the company of others. “I will miss my wife Elena, my children and my family very much but I understand that my mobile phone will work on the island so we can speak that way and I’m hoping that my plan will work, I’ll stop smoking and my month on the island may lead to many years of extra life that I’ll be able to spend with them. I will just be in a position where I cannot get cigarettes no matter how much I want one and that, of course, is the whole point of going to the island.” To stop him getting bored he will take a guitar – which he hopes to learn to play – an iPod – with 120 books on it – a mobile phone and a computer, both powered by a photo voltaic solar cell. It will also have a wind-up handle as a back up to generate electricity.”

Thief feels guilty and returns cash to butcher: “A thief who stole more than $10,000 from a butcher has returned most of the money a week later because he felt guilty about the crime. Butcher Mark Bollinghaus, who owns the Albury-Wodonga Haus of Meat chain of stores, said he could not believe it when 90 per cent of the cash accompanied by a “nice typed note addressed to me” was slipped under the door of his Albury store. “The story of the theft was on the local TV and local paper and I think the pressure – maybe from friends and relatives – and guilt may have been too much,” Mr Bollinghaus said. “In the note he said he was sorry, he did it for a bit of a rush and wrongly thought we were insured. “It felt like Christmas, it was a total shock. “He must have known a bit about us because the note was addressed to me and was delivered to the store I work at.'”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

QUALIFICATIONS TO BE PRESIDENT OF USA

May 30, 2009 at 9:26 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

This may be an urban legend but it’s believable

In a Seattle college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

‘What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?’

Muslim cat

THE NEWS

Russian inventor ‘murdered five in home-made electric chair’: “The 30-year-old electrician, identified only as Dmitry K, lured victims to his house by posting adverts for computer equipment on the internet. Police in Yekaterinburg, a city in Russia’s Urals region, tracked the suspect down after finding the charred body of a law student in a roadside ditch. Dmitry K admitted murdering the student, investigators said, before claiming that he had also killed several other victims as he conducted experiments on an improvised electric chair that he had invented. The suspect, who worked at a local power plant, told detectives he would confess to the other murders if they found the bodies. Police say they are investigating at least four other incidents in which Yekaterinburg residents went missing after responding to internet adverts for computer supplies over the past 12 months… According to police, the suspect also claimed to have designed a doormat that would electrocute anyone who stood on it, but had yet to test it.
He also asked detectives to return a camera he had invented which used an electro-magnetic ray to erase the memory of anyone he photographed with it.”

A crater swallowed my car: “A burst water main created a 25m crater that swallowed at least one parked car and caused a landslide in exclusive Sydney suburb Bellevue Hill. The water main ruptured about 8pm (AEST) yesterday, leaving the crater near the intersection of Victoria and Bellevue Roads. The torrent of water brought down a power pole and swept two motor vehicles into nearby Cooper Park, police said. Traffic diversions caused by the massive crater could be in place for several days, Sydney Water said.”

Not allowed to use the name Champagne even if you are selling it??: “Coffs Harbour couple Kyra and Stuart Holley thought they were doing the French a favour when they set up a business selling gift packs that included expensive bottles of champagne. The couple knew how precious the French were about the misuse of the word champagne and include only top labels in their collection. But the French took issue as the Holleys tried to trademark the business name Champagne Messenger. They received a bullying letter from lawyers representing the semi-government authority responsible for the protection of the name “champagne”. Not only were they told they were not allowed to register Champagne Messenger as a trademark, they had to change the name of their business or trading name and their domain name or internet address. “The lawyers said we would damage the reputation of the name of champagne in Australia, which in turn would damage the commercial interests of champagne makers. The irony is that in selling champagne, we’re increasing their sales,” Kyra said… The Holleys have changed their business name to the more down-to-earth BubblyToGo.”

‘See through’ swimsuit to eliminate tan lines: “A “see-through” swimsuit that will eliminate tan lines has been developed by British designers. The Tan Through range from Kiniki – launched earlier this month is transparent when held up to the light. Thousands of microscopic holes in the mesh fabric allow 80 per cent of sunlight to penetrate through to the skin. However the garment is covered in ‘magic eye’-style animal prints and abstract patterns which confuse the eye so onlookers can only see a solid block of fabric. Described as “a chicken wire mesh material” the stretchy synthetic fabric is available as all-in-one swimsuit, bikinis, wraps and men’s briefs, tangas and hipsters. A swimsuit bought direct from the company’s website costs £34.30 while all other items are £17.43. However health campaigners warned that the garments could contribute to already increasing cases of deadly skin cancer.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Women Reveal The Worst Pickup Lines Used By Men!

May 29, 2009 at 9:33 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Since the dawn of civilization (and probably even before that) men have been hitting on women, which means the oldest form of communication is the pickup line. “In fact, some men are still using those lines from 10,000 B.C.,” says sex and relationship educator Reid Mihalko, creator of the popular Cuddle Parties and an expert on intimacy. (Cuddle parties originated in New York city and quickly spread nationally. Couples attend in pajamas and learn to cuddle – without sex. It is designed for women to show their men how to be intimate. For real!)

Over the years, women have told Reid the worst, most painful and ineffective pick-up lines men have tried. He shared 12 of the absolute worst with RadarOnline.com, and issued this warning: “Buckle up. Some of these are pretty bad.” Counting down to the worst:

12. “You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.”

(Listen up guys, aside from being politically incorrect, women tend not to like puns. Especially really, really bad ones like this. But if we even have to explain that…)

11. “Can I take your picture? Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.”

(We really shouldn’t have to explain what’s wrong, but here we go anyway: not only does this destroy the wholesome concept of Santa Claus — which will automatically put most women off — it turns the potential date into a potential possession. That’s a no-no.)

10. “Can I borrow your cell? I promised to text my mother when I fell in love.”

(Hey a pickup line with technology! Oops, you used the L word and seem like a momma’s boy.)

9. “Is your daddy a thief? Because he stole some diamonds and put them in your sparkling eyes.”

(As charming as the second half of this pickup line tries to be, you don’t insult a girl’s daddy. Ever.)

8. “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

(This is a classic of the bad-joke kind. If a woman hasn’t heard it, it may take a few seconds to register. That will give you time to duck the drink she’ll be throwing. )

7. “I’m new in town. Can I have directions to your house?”

(Red flag, red flag! Girls don’t respond well to stalkers.)

6. “I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”

(In theory, self-deprecation is disarming. But suggesting to a girl that no one else is interested in her is obviously not a smart move.)

And now, we hit a new level of tackiness for the Final Five:

5. “My name is (fill in the blank). Remember it: you’ll be screaming it later.”

(Suggesting that you’re macho is bad, but implying that you and the girl will be hooking up is beyond bad.)

4. “I’m a bird watcher, and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?”

(No, seriously. Some guys have used this! Sexism is the worst of this line’s sins, but even changing the name of the bird to something less offensive won’t help. No one is going to believe you’re a bird watcher, and a lie is a terrible way to make a connection.)

3. “You might as well go home with me because I’m going to tell everybody you did anyway.”

(Blackmail? Not a good approach in the adult world. In fact, if the girl has any moxie, gal-pals, or male wingmen with her, you might not have a functioning mouth in the morning.)

2. “Say, is your dress felt? Would you like it to be?”

(Stalking and blackmail are bad, but suggesting that you get in a lady’s space right then and there is arguably worse.)
And speaking of worse:

1. “That dress looks good on you but it would look better on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.”

(This one pretty much speaks for itself!)

Original report here

THE NEWS

Chinese outraged over pedicurist who stabbed lecherous official: “The case of a pedicurist and lecherous official has galvanised public opinion in China. Women’s groups, and even the conservative state All-China Women’s Federation, have demanded fair treatment for Deng Yujiao, 21, who stabbed a government official to death in the hotel where she worked when he demanded that she provide him with “special services”. Civil rights organisations and many ordinary Chinese want an explanation for the arrest of a young woman who said that she was defending herself against the unwanted advances of the director of the local business promotion office. They want to know why a Communist Party official was frequenting a hotel that offered massages with “special services” — a euphemism for sex.”

Old lottery ticket worth $2 million: “A NSW grandmother has successfully claimed a four-year-old $2 million Powerball prize. The unregistered entry had been lying forgotten in a dressing table drawer until the 73-year-old retired dairy farmer recently came across it by chance. “We decided to have a clean up and go through everything and throw out any old stuff,” the winner told a NSW Lotteries official this morning. “I was cleaning out a drawer and the Powerball ticket was in an envelope with a few other lottery tickets. “That was a two weeks ago; I left it for a while and I wasn’t going to worry about it.” The woman’s husband told her the ticket would be too old to check, but she ignored his advice. “They put me on the phone to someone from NSW Lotteries who told me it was worth $2 million,” she said. “I just went limp in the shop. My husband was with me but I couldn’t tell him what was happening. “When we got outside I told him how much we’d won and he said it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.” Despite her sudden windfall, the winner has no plans for a spending spree. “There’s nothing I need. When you get to my age, you’re trying to give things away.”

Student wins $13m after checking old ticket: “A Perth university student has come forward after 10 months to claim a $13 million OZ Lotto prize – after the winning ticket lay unchecked in a cupboard. PerthNow reports the outstanding ticket – an $8.70 gift from her father – had made headlines for almost a year as WA’s largest unclaimed Lotto prize. A Lotterywest spokeswoman said the woman in her 30s, who wished to remain anonymous, was unaware she had become a multi-millionaire. She received the ticket as a gift from her father, who bought it from Beechboro Newsagency for the $50 million OZ Lotto jackpot draw on July 22 last year. She didn’t check the ticket and left it with other tickets in a cupboard drawer. Unaware of the 12-month expiry on Lotto tickets, the woman told Lotterywest she decided to check the bundle of tickets to help out family with any winnings she might have. “I woke up this morning worried about our finances,” she told Lotterywest. “Something made me think to check the tickets and I thought that if I win something, then I could help Mum and Dad out.” At first glance, the woman thought she had won just over $13,000 but was later told it was $13.1 million”.

Seahorses’ evolutionary tall order: “Why does the seahorse swim upright? The bizarre swimming style of this fish has long been an evolutionary mystery. The fish with the strange locomotion would have probably died out as quickly as it had appeared except for an extraordinary coincidence. Some time between 20 and 25 million years ago the Australian continental plate, crashing into the neighbouring Eurasian plate, pushed up ocean floors, creating shallow seas where there had been deep water. “There was so much shallow water that vast seagrass meadows began to grow,” Dr Teske says. He believes the tall, upward-growing marine vegetation offered ideal camouflage for the new upright seahorses. Suddenly, swimming upright had a biological advantage. The seahorses thrived in their new environment, while their horizontally swimming relatives remained in algal reefs – where they are still found today. “Seahorses would have formed in northern Australian waters and then spread out around the world,” Dr Teske says.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Wally’s Wedding Night

May 28, 2009 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.

Again he is ready for more ‘action.’ Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it….. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ……. ‘You mean I’ve been here already?’

THE NEWS

Sex gets better with age: “Sex may be passionate and crazy in your 20s, but the good news is it gets better with age – specially for women, who will have more orgasms. Sexpert Tracey Cox has looked at sex at different stages of life in her best-selling book, Sextasy, and found that while the quantity of sex may drop with time, the quality improves dramatically. Ms Cox found that in their 20s, 85 percent of 20-30-year-old men think about sex every couple of hours. Women at the same age are having lesbian fantasies or have been bi-curious, The Sun reports. There’s plenty of incentive, according to Ms Cox. A 2006 study of nearly 2000 people discovered that 76 per cent of women who slept with women reached orgasm (for women with men, you are pushing it at 50 per cent). Lesbians are also the least promiscuous group and consistently report the highest sexual satisfaction. About one in 10 people have had a threesome. And most people did it in their early-20s. By the 30s, almost all people have had sex outside. Under the cover of darkness in a park, on a beach, or in the garden are the top choices. About 20 percent of 30 year olds spice up their sex life with bondage and spanking.”

Crazy new bicycle: “It seems a bit crazy to reinvent the wheel, but that is precisely what the Chinese inventor Guan Baihua has done. Although his new set of wheels have a little twist to them. The 50-year-old military officer from Qingdao has devised a rather curious new bicycle. Instead of circular wheels the bike has a pentagonal wheel at the front and a triangular wheel at the back. He believes that people will be drawn to the bike because it requires more work to cycle and therefore will provide more exercise for the cyclist than a conventional bike. Those who have tried it have been surprised at how smooth the ride is. That is because the edges of the pentagonal and triangular wheels are not perfectly straight. The sides of the shapes bulge outwards in such a way that the wheels share an important feature with the circle: the diameter across the shapes is the same which ever way that you measure it.”

Dying bulldog saves owner from fire: “A US man’s decision not to end his terminally ill bulldog’s life has ended up saving his own. Scott Seymour said his dog, Brittney, awakened him with her barking early on Saturday in time for both of them to escape from his burning house in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The fire came two weeks after a veterinarian discovered the nine-year-old American bulldog had several cancerous tumors. The vet said the dog might not survive surgery and Seymour ruled out chemotherapy, believing it would be too hard on Brittney. Seymour said he could have had Brittney put down but instead decided to give her medication to blunt her pain until death comes naturally, probably within a few weeks. Firefighters told The Grand Rapids Press the house may be a total loss.”

New Zealand politician attacked with lamington: “A New Zealand by-election candidate has taken the cake by continuing his speech after his opponent squashed a creamy lamington [pic above] onto his bald head in protest. Malcolm France, a candidate for the Mt Albert by-election, took umbrage at his rival John Boscawen’s speech, surged forward and crushed a lamington on his head, The Dominion Post reports. Mr Boscawen said he kept going because he didn’t want to waste his allotted time.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

You Might Be Taliban If…

May 27, 2009 at 9:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The troops in Afghanistan prove yet again they have retained their sense of humor. One of them sent this:

“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…”

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

THE NEWS

Spain: Police arrest voodoo extortion gang: “Ringleaders of a human-trafficking ring that brought Nigerian women to Spain and forced them into prostitution by threatening them with Voodoo curses were brought before a judge on Saturday. Many of the 23 suspects were charged with human trafficking and extortion at the court in the southwestern city of Huelva, police said. The arrests occurred during nationwide raids that began Thursday and were continuing, police said. The crackdown was triggered by a woman who told police in February of the gang’s intimidation tactics. The gang tempted young Nigerian women to travel to Europe with promises of prosperity and later extorted money and controlled them through intimidation, police said in a statement.”

Canadian Governor General Michaelle Jean eats seal’s heart: “On the first day of her trip to the Arctic, the Governor General of Canada, Michaelle Jean, gutted a freshly slaughtered seal, pulled out its raw heart, and ate it. Hundreds of Inuit at a community festival gathered around as the Governor General made a gesture of solidarity with the country’s beleaguered seal hunters, Yahoo! News Canada reports. Jean knelt above a pair of carcasses and used a traditional blade to slice the meat off the skin. After repeated, vigorous cuts through the flesh the Queen’s representative turned to the woman beside her and asked enthusiastically: “Could I try the heart?” Within seconds Jean was holding a crimson chuck of seal-ticker, she tucked it into her mouth, swallowed it, and turned to her daughter to say it tasted good.” [Ms Jean is from Haiti]

Dumb Indiana cops: “A rural northern Indiana couple was shaken when they arrived home to find a police SWAT team breaking down the door to their house, only to learn the officers were at the wrong address. Harvey Bontrager of Goshen says he had just pulled into the driveway Thursday evening when a vehicle blocked him in and officers began bashing in his door. Bontrager asked an officer what was going on. That’s when an officer asked Bontrager for his address. The police had a search warrant for the house next door. Bontrager said officers then went next door and broke down that door. Goshen police have apologized and hired a company to make repairs. Police are trying to determine how the mistake happened.”

Two-year-old pool shark: “A New York toddler still in diapers has a growing reputation as a pool shark with a mean bank shot ¿ even though he has to stand on a chair to reach the table. Two-year-old Keith O’Dell Jr. from upstate New York has pool shooting videos posted on YouTube, has his own website and is the youngest member of the American Pool Association. The son of pool-playing parents, the toddler recently traveled to Las Vegas to put on a demonstration for the APA, the governing body of amateur pool. O’Dell started playing pool on a child-size table, but has since moved up to a regulation table. His parents say his learning hasn’t been limited to billiard games. Pool is also teaching him colors and how to count.”

“Not Quite Right” was not quite right: “More than 400 Victorian jobs could go after the collapse of discount grocery chain Not Quite Right. Administrators John Lindholm and James Stewart of Ferrier Hodgson, who were appointed on Monday night, plan to keep NQR’s 25 stores open while they attempt to sell the business. Lack of sales due to fierce competition from big retailers is believed to be behind the failure of the group, which was owned by private equity group Hastings, a subsidiary of Westpac. It is believed NQR owes less than $1 million to the NAB and about $2 million to its other major creditor, Ran Holdings. “I will be reviewing the company’s financial position to determine the options and opportunities for the business,” Mr Lindholm said in a written statement. NQR was established 20 years ago and Hastings bought it for an undisclosed sum in mid-2006″.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Fish dinner coming up

May 26, 2009 at 9:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THE NEWS

Free boob jobs offered to nurses at understaffed clinic: “An understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who sign up with the small private clinic for three years can choose their free plastic surgery. “It has been a success,” Jiri Schweitzer, a manager at the Iscare clinic, said, adding the establishment was now fully staffed and had to reject dozens of beauty-hunting job applicants. Petra Kalivodova, a 31-year-old nurse who has been working at the clinic for four years, has had a breast implants – the most popular choice among nurses – so she underwent liposuction for her signing on perk. “I have mentioned this to colleagues and friends, and the interest in working here is huge,” she said. The clinic charges up to 75,000 koruna ($5060) for a breast implant, almost three times the average nurse’s monthly wage, and up to €1880 ($3380) for liposuction. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data”.

French tobacconists buy gold!: “French women have found a way of drawing a line under an unwanted husband. They are selling their wedding rings to be melted down and turned into dentures and using the money to buy cigarettes and wine, or sweets for their children. The practice has caught on as some of France’s 29,000 tobacconists try to supplement their falling incomes with an offer to buy gold on behalf of a company that turns it into dental and medical products, including pacemakers. The economic crisis, the rising price of gold and family breakdowns have combined to give impetus to what was initially a marginal activity. Divorcees are getting rid of rings and other jewellery, and coins and ingots — which have sometimes been in the family for generations — are being sold.”

500 Catholic Irish priests have girlfriends: “At least 500 women in Ireland are conducting clandestine affairs with Catholic priests, says the leader of a support group set up to look after those in forbidden relationships. Bishop Pat Buckley said a conservative estimate was that one in 10 of the 5000 priests enjoyed regular sex with women and some even referred to their clerical collar as the “bird catcher”. Studies had shown that 80 per cent of priests had broken their vows of celibacy, he said. Bishop Buckley runs the Bethany organisation, which he set up to support those in love affairs with the clergy. Described as Ireland’s rebel bishop, he was sidelined by the Catholic church in the mid-1980s when he pursued his own ministry for those who felt alienated by the traditional church. Including practising homosexuals, Bishop Buckley said up to 40 per cent of the Catholic clergy in Ireland were sexually active. [Affairs with women are better than buggering little boys, I guess]

Tourists throng Paris’s ‘ghost’ metro stations: “About 10 stations in the French capital were closed after World War II due to their proximity to other stations such as the Champ de Mars near the city’s landmark Eiffel Tower, or for reasons of economy. During the war years they sheltered thousands of homeless people. The Place des Fetes and Maison Blanche stations in the working class north and south each sheltered around 2000 people every night. But the end of the war rang the death knell for many stations. The ghost stations eventually drew noted directors who shot several internationally acclaimed films there, including the 2001 oeuvre Amelie – a feel-good film about a shy Parisian waitress who decides to transform the lives of others around her for the better… The first metro line was completed in 1900 and many of the stations are renowned for their emblematic Art Nouveau entrances created by architect Hector Guimard. Many visitors from home and abroad now re-visit the ghost facilities on foot in visits organised by the ADEMAS association, dedicated to restoring old trains and preserving the metro’s history. Many tourists are drawn to the old-world feel of the disused stations: the ceramic tiled walls still lined with faded peeling posters of old French advertisements of brand names now lost with time: Olida ham and Maizena wheat.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Run, mousie, run!

May 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THE NEWS

Solved! It’s pizzas that cause crime: “A D.C. Council member is proposing legislation to crack down on selling pizza slices in a northwest neighborhood. Council member Jim Graham says pizza parlors on 18th Street northwest in Adams Morgan are part of the problem with neighborhood crime. Graham says the eateries stay open until 4:30 a.m., and “tolerate a certain level of violence.” Although they’re operating legally, he says the restaurants have become a nuisance. The council member says he is drafting legislation and already has discussed the issue with Mayor Adrian Fenty. Abdul Souada, a manager at one of the jumbo pizza slice restaurants, says he is being unfairly targeted just because his business is popular.”

Six fireman called on to save handbag: “NORTHERN Territory firemen were called on to save a woman’s handbag at the weekend. The Northern Territory News reports that six firefighters in two vehicles rushed to the aid of the woman as they were returning to base following a false fire alarm on Mitchell St. The woman, believed to be in the early 20s, was facing a major fashion disaster after she dropped her clutch down a drain on Peel St in Darwin City around midnight on Saturday. Firies tore up part of the walkway to retrieve the black clutch. The witness, aged 42, said the woman at the centre of the drama was dressed up for a night out. “She was wearing a cute little shimmering mauve cocktail dress,” she said. “Afterwards she had photos taken with the firefighters. The girl should be ashamed of herself; it was an abuse of resources.” Darwin Fire Watch Commander David Letheby said the firefighters were returning to the base when they were asked to help. “It was a community service,” he said. “They were available for any emergency – they were just helping out … we get calls for all these sorts of things day-in and day-out.”

Greek police arrest ‘nun stunt’ tourists: “Seventeen British tourists were arrested on the island of Crete on Sunday for insulting the Catholic Church after they paraded themselves dressed “in nun attire and naughty lingerie”, police said. The Britons were arrested in the coastal town of Malia, a popular resort for young travellers with a long tradition of drunken tourist antics. They will be taken to a prosecutor to be officially charged and may be fined but are unlikely to be jailed for the misdemeanour offence, a police source said.”

Boy, 6, drives pickup truck to safety: “A US man who passed out behind the wheel of his pickup truck has his six-year-old son to thank for saving their lives. Phillip Mains slumped over the wheel of his Chevrolet Avalanche after passing out from low blood sugar on the way home from a restaurant. He woke 90 minutes later to learn his son Tustin had taken the wheel. With his three-year-old brother in the back seat, Tustin leapt into his father’s lap and navigated the truck safely through several blocks at an average speed of 20-25km/h. He even turned around after entering a strange neighbourhood. “I saw my dad fall asleep and I climbed over the seat and got on my dad’s lap,” Tustin told The North Platte Telegraph. “I was scared.” Tustin got another fright when North Platte police officer Roger Freeze ran up to the window beside him. Mr Freeze reached in through the window and slammed the gearstick into park. “I will be issuing him a departmental citation for (Mr Freeze’s) quick, professional action on this case,” Police Chief Martin Gutschenritter said. “(Tustin) is also a very special young man. He was able to take quick action when his dad was incapacitated, and we are very proud of him, too.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Spotty

May 24, 2009 at 9:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I am sure it is just my imagination but why do I see a similarity between the two images below?

THE NEWS

Lax security at Buck house: “A royal chauffeur allowed two undercover journalists into Buckingham Palace for cash and allowed one of them to sit in Queen Elizabeth II’s Bentley car, a newspaper reported today. The News of the World tabloid said the security breach took place after two of its journalists, posing as wealthy businessmen from the Middle East, paid a chauffeur £1000. The Bentley is used to drive the queen on state occasions. A spokeswoman for Buckingham Palace said: “Any security matter is taken very seriously and we will look into these allegations”. The apparent breach would not be the first time security at Buckingham Palace has been violated in recent years. In 2003, a journalist from the Daily Mirror newspaper got a job as a footman there with a false reference, allowing him access to the queen’s breakfast table and the bedroom where then US president George W Bush and his wife were due to stay on a state visit. [The Queen's great popularity protects her to a large degree but that alone should not be relied upon]

Impatient Chinese man ‘pushed suicide jumper off bridge’: “A man in southern China has been taken into police custody after pushing a would-be-suicide jumper off a bridge frequented by people threatening to end their lives. Lai Jiansheng was detained by police for pushing a man named Chen off the bridge in Guangzhou city that has been the site of 12 suicide attempts since the beginning of April, the China Daily said. None of the suicide attempts have been successful, the paper said, but traffic over the bridge has been jammed for hours during each attempt as police sought to talk the people out of ending their lives. “I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests,” the paper quoted Mr Lai as saying. Mr Lai, upset with the traffic delay, broke through the police cordon on the bridge, walked up to Chen and shook his hand before pushing him off the bridge, it said. Chen was threatening to commit suicide because of a two million yuan ($300,000) debt he incurred over a failed construction project, it said. The would-be jumper fell eight metres into a partially-inflated emergency cushion and came away from the incident with his life intact but his back injured, it said. Police said that with each suicide attempt, the city had to send police, firemen, rescue vessels and an ambulance”.

Politician loses job over ducks: “A British Conservative MP said today he felt “ashamed and humiliated” over claiming expenses for a “duck island” to put in his garden pond – and admitted that the ducks didn’t like it anyway. Sir Peter Viggers was forced to announce his resignation on Thursday over the STG1,600 ($3,000) aquatic home, the latest embarrassing revelation in an expenses row which has shaken Britain’s House of Commons. Today he issued a statement pointing out that the claim had been refused by the Fees Office – which has come under fire over claims ranging from swimming pool and tennis court repairs to cleaning a moat. But he admitted that he should never have claimed for it in the first place. “I have made a ridiculous and grave error of judgment. I am ashamed and humiliated and I apologise. As has been reported my claim for the duck house was rightly ‘not allowed’ by the Fees Office. “I paid for it myself and in fact it was never liked by the ducks and is now in storage.”

Car swerved as drunk driver had sex: “A man was caught having sex while driving because he and his girlfriend could not wait until they reached their destination, a court has heard. Bradley Dean Milne, 33, was charged with not wearing his seatbelt, driving without due care and drink-driving when a witness called police after seeing his car swerving all over the road, The Northern Territory News reports. Darwin Magistrates Court heard that the couple were planning to drive to East Arm Wharf in the Mazda ute to have sex. Police prosecutor Leigh Cahill said Milne “became aroused” and the woman gave him oral sex while he was driving. Milne was swerving from one side of the road to the other until the car stopped at traffic lights. When they turned right onto Berrimah Rd, the woman straddled Milne while he kept driving, swerving into the kerbside and back into the middle lane. When police stopped the car and Milne was asked why he had been drinking – with a blood alcohol concentration of .097 per cent – he said: “Come on, mate. What would you do? We were going to the wharf but we didn’t quite get there.” Milne’s lawyer Ian Rowbottam said last night that Milne was too embarrassed to speak about the incident again. Milne was fined $1400 and disqualified him from driving for six months.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Hedge Hogs

May 23, 2009 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In his book, Slow Money, Woody Tasch tells the story of the rabbi, the Hindu holy man, and the hedge fund manager who are traveling and need to stop for the night.

They stop at a farm house, and the farmer tells them he only has two beds, and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. “No problem,” says the holy man, who is used to the humblest of surroundings. “I will sleep in the barn.”

After a few minutes, there is a knock on the door. It’s the holy man. “You didn’t tell me there was a cow in the barn. It’s not against my religion to sleep near a cow, but I just don’t feel comfortable.”

“I have no problem with cows,” says the rabbi, and he goes off to sleep in the barn Within a few minutes, there is another knock on the door. It’s the rabbi, who says, “You didn’t tell me there was a pig in the barn. There’s no real religious issue with me sleeping near a pig, but I just don’t feel comfortable.”

Up jumps the hedge fund manager. “I’m not going to have any religious issues with the animals. Let’s get some sleep!” And off he goes to the barn, and the holy man and rabbi go up to the bedrooms.

But in a few minutes, there is another knock on the door.

It’s the cow and pig.

THE NEWS

UK: Bee rustlers cash in on honey shortage: “Cattle rustling, then sheep rustling … now bee rustling is the latest crime to hit Britain’s rural communities — and rival beekeepers themselves may be responsible. A shortage of honey and growing winter losses of bees over the past two years have pushed up the value of honey bees to the point where they are a profitable target for thieves. A bee farmer in Shropshire has lost 100 hives, while in Hampshire alone, at least four farms have been hit in the past month.”

A confession from a football groupie: “I don’t deny I’ve had liaisons with many, many footballers, but what annoys me about these tags and the way I was portrayed on that show is the idea I prey on them like some of the starstruck women I’ve seen out there. I’m no angel, but I’ve seen this game play out from both sides: First as the partner of a pro footballer for nine years, then as a single woman who can have sex whenever, with whomever, I choose. I am old enough and wise enough to know these encounters are nothing more than what they were at the time – mostly consensual, one-on-one sex, on my terms. The reality is there are women out there who do hunt footballers down, are prepared to have sex with them in nightclub toilets…. But even after the whole story came out about me getting together with (Cowboys player) Johnathan Thurston, I would have understood if they had kept away from me. I would if I was them (players). But they kept contacting me. It’s like a drug to them. They want to go where their teammates have been before them.” [Can you see what the players might want in the pic of her above?]

Bodybuilding dopes: “The Belgian bodybuilding championships have been called off after all the competitors fled in a panic when testers from the anti-drugs agency showed up. “I have never seen anything like it and hope never to see anything like it again,” said anti-doping official Hans Cooman. He said some bodybuilders just grabbed all their gear and ran off when he came into the room. Twenty bodybuilders were entered in the weekend competition. “The sport has a history of doping and this incident didn’t do its reputation any good,” Cooman said. Belgium’s bodybuilding federation did not dispute the facts but said it could not explain why the competitors had suddenly rushed off. “There is only one conclusion I can think of and that is doping,” Cooman said. During in-competition testing of bodybuilding events last year, the doping authorities of northern Belgium’s Flanders region found 75 per cent of the competitors tested positive for doping, with most showing excessive levels of anabolic steroids. Cooman said he would report the case to the Flemish disciplinary committee, which will have to decide whether it can sanction competitors who refused to be tested”.

Toddler buys earthmover in auction: “A toddler with a love of toy tractors and earthmovers bought herself the ultimate treat – a $15,600 piece of heavy machinery. While her parents were sleeping, three-year-old New Zealand girl Pipi Quinlan managed to log onto the family computer and accessed an online auction site, the Rodney Times reports. Pipi then submitted a bid of on one of the items on the website – a massive Kobelco digger. She won the auction. When her mother, Sarah Quinlan, woke up and logged onto the computer, she thought the successful bid was for some Lego she wanted to buy. But then she saw the price of the “Lego”. “It wasn’t until I went back and re-read the emails that I saw $NZ20,000, and got the shock of my life,” Ms Quinlan told the Times. She called the website and told staff that her daughter had accidentally made the bid. The website cancelled the sale and refunded the seller’s listing costs.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Some celebrity wisdom

May 22, 2009 at 10:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THE NEWS

New Zealand ‘ghost ship’ finally recovered in Australia: “New Zealand’s “ghost ship” – an 8m yacht called Air Apparent that just kept on sailing – has arrived in Queensland 14 months after it was abandoned. It was abandoned on March 25, 2008 off the north coast of New Zealand when the crew reportedly “mutinied” and set off a distress beacon. It has finally been recovered by fishermen from Bowen, Queensland, 1400km away. The crew set off an emergency position indicating radio beacon – reportedly against the wishes of skipper and owner Bill Heritage – after the boat’s battery died in 3m seas and 55km/h winds, The Courier-Mail reports. The skipper and his three crew were all taken off the boat by a Northland rescue helicopter. On May 27 last year the Air Apparent was found drifting with its mast intact and its sail dragging in the water about 400km off New Zealand’s North Cape. In October it was seen near Norfolk Island by a French naval ship, whose captain said it was like a “ghost ship”. Mr Heritage said the boat was “rather the worse for wear”. [That the vessel survived the storm suggests that the crew did indeed panic unnecessarily]

Egotistical Wichita motorist smashes his car into city hall: “The man who drove his car through City Hall last year was sentenced Wednesday to more than 10 years in prison. Marcus Johnson [pic above], 33, faces 122 months of incarceration after crashing through a set of glass doors at City Hall in January 2008 and continuing through the building before slamming into the west wall of the parking garage. His sentence includes time for convictions of criminal damage to property and two counts of criminal threats linked to the crash into City Hall, and one count of battery of a law enforcement officer later at the Sedgwick County Jail. Authorities said Johnson became angered when a police officer told him to turn down the music in his car while he was parked at a south Wichita convenience store early on the morning of Jan. 7, 2008. Johnson drove downtown, turned onto Main and then drove up a ramp into City Hall at an estimated 45 miles an hour. The incident caused about $200,000 in damage and prompted the installation of temporary traffic barriers around the perimeter of the building grounds.”

Man drives Rolls-Royce through British supermarket window after being refused alcohol: “A man drove a Rolls-Royce through the window of a Tesco supermarket yesterday after staff at the store refused to sell him alcohol. Six woman were injured as the glass windows shattered and shelves came crashing down. Two check-out counters were demolished. Witnesses said that the man had come into the store in Andover, Hampshire, at around 4.30pm to buy alcohol but had been turned away because he was already drunk. Minutes later, he drove at the store front in his luxury silver saloon. Although he failed to break through on his first attempt, he reversed, revved and came back for a second try. One Tesco worker described yesterday how the man had reversed a long way back to get a “good, clear run”. She said that she thought a bomb had gone off. “People were running for their lives, scattering in all directions,” she said. “Everyone was screaming. Check-out girls were shocked and crying. It was terrible.” It is believed that the man, thought to run a chauffeur company, remained sitting in his car until police and paramedics arrived. Last night, a 50-year-old man had been arrested on suspicion of attempted murder and drink-driving.”

Sexy cop: “Jessica Parfrey was sacked by the police after allegedly offering a fellow officer sex and telling another: “I know you want me.” She also allegedly begged her married supervisor to have an affair with her because “everyone knows you’re supposed to fall in love with your buddy”. And yet another senior officer claimed she rang him to say she was “in bed in just underwear”. But former NSW probationary constable Ms Parfrey, 21, either denies the advances or says she was joking in response to comments made by other officers. She has taken the matter to the Industrial Relations Commission claiming senior police lied about her conduct to have her sacked for sexual harassment.”

Forgotten Chinese water buffalo carving fetches £4 million at auction: “An eight-inch carving of a water buffalo that spent 70 years in a bank vault wrapped in a copy of The Times has become the most expensive jade artefact ever sold at auction. The carving, made for a Chinese emperor, fetched £4.16 million, making it the most expensive object sold at a provincial auction house in Britain. It was bought by the 5th Earl of Yarborough in 1938 for the then large sum of £300 and placed in the bank for safe keeping when he was dispatched to Palestine with the Nottinghamshire Yeomanry in 1940. It was only rediscovered, wrapped in newspaper in a wooden crate, when his daughter Lady Diana Miller, who had emigrated to southern Africa after the war, returned to Britain in 2005… The 250-year-old carving, on a specially made gilt stand, is believed to have been created for the Chinese Emperor Qianlong. It was bought by the Earl, Lieutenant-Colonel Sackville George Pelham, from the London dealer Spink.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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