Redneck Dictionary

January 31, 2009 at 9:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

HEIDI – noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus’ be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He cain’t breathe….give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah….haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb, past tense of “to see.”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City….view?”

GUMMIT – noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

THE NEWS

Ghost of dead Roman soldier haunts brand-new British hospital: “Inside the shiny new hospital, a tormented soul stalks the wards and corridors. Yet this is no ill patient, overworked junior doctor or beleaguered NHS trust executive. It is a ghost – or so says a leaked memo from a manager. Several workers at the 334million pound Royal Hospital in Derby have apparently been scared witless by the apparition, which they describe as a man dressed in black and wearing a cloak, who can walk through walls. Such sightings are not unusual in Derby, which is known as the ghost capital of England, so the matter is being treated with a degree of gravitas. The memo, written to colleagues by senior manager Debbie Butler, said: `I’m not sure how many of you are aware that some members of staff have reported seeing a ghost. `I’m taking it seriously as the last thing I want is staff feeling uneasy at work.’ She added: `I don’t want to scare anyone any more than necessary, but felt it was best I made you all aware of the situation and what we are doing about it. `I’ve spoken to the Trust’s chaplain and she is going to arrange for someone from the cathedral to exorcise the department.’”

Big Australian snake: “Townsville snake catchers have caught the largest scrub python they have ever seen. The 4.1m [13'4"] monstrosity was captured in a backyard shed in Mundingburra yesterday, where it was believed to have been resting after gorging itself on possums. The non-venomous snake’s head was the size of a man’s hand, and its body as wide as a leg. It required at least four people to lift it into a bag to be taken away and released. O’Dowd St resident Averil Chadwick, who first spotted the 15.1kg reptile in her backyard on Tuesday, said she always had possums around the shed, however they had since disappeared. “I have possums up in the shed but when I looked up there I thought it was the wrong shape for a possum,” Mrs Chadwick said. “It looked like a snake, and sure enough it was. “There are no possums around now. I didn’t see any bulges in his stomach, but reckon he’s given them a bit of a fright.” Snake catcher Brian West, who was called to remove the snake, said he needed a second pair of hands to help capture the animal.”

The year of the Ox: “A woman is carried in a sedan chair, above, at the Altar of the Earth fair yesterday as hundreds of millions of people across China continued celebrating the lunar new year, marked with a week-long holiday. However, even as the country was welcoming the Year of the Ox, economic worries were casting a sombre mood on the nation. The Chinese New Year is generally celebrated with lavish spending on elaborate meals, but at the renowned Quanjude Peking Duck Restaurant in Beijing, Yang Jing, the marketing manager, said the downturn was already having an effect on traditional feasting. “Customers are more picky about details like food quality and prices,” he said. “It’s not that easy to take even one penny out of their pockets.” Despite the grim forecast for the new year, firework sales were up 28 per cent on last year.”

$6m British steam engine is ready to roll: “The first mainline steam engine to be built in Britain for nearly 50 years was given a final test run in Yorkshire this week before it carries its first fare-paying passengers from York to Newcastle today. Tornado, a Peppercorn Class A1 engine, was built in Darlington at a cost of 3 million pounds after an 18-year fundraising campaign by the A1 Steam Locomotive Trust. “

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Jacko

January 30, 2009 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THE NEWS

Handcuffed Maori prisoners foil own escape: “Two Kiwi prisoners who were handcuffed together as they fled a courthouse foiled their own getaway when they ran to opposite sides of a light pole. They slammed into each other and fell to the ground. Jailers nabbed them as they struggled to their feet. Their escapade on Wednesday was captured by a CCTV camera at Hastings District Court on New Zealand’s North Island. Hastings police said one escapee, Regan Reti, 20, had just been sentenced to more than two years’ jail for assault. The other inmate, Tiranara White, 21, was in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating parole. The pair was back in court yesterday, facing fresh charges of escaping from custody.”

The British city where apostrophes arent welcome: “Its a little difficult to place sometimes, but if itd never been invented our sentences wouldnt be so easy to read and wed all get confused because we wouldnt know who owned anything. But the apostrophe is obviously just too challenging for some. Birmingham City Council has dropped possessive apostrophes from its road and street signs altogether – so St Paul’s Square becomes St Pauls, for example. The decision follows years of debate about whether apostrophes should be restored to local place names such as Kings Norton, Acocks Green and Druids Heath. The authority says the decision was taken to achieve a consistent standard across the city. But campaigners have accused it of ‘dumbing down’. John Richards, founder of the Apostrophe Protection Society, said the decision was ‘absolute defeatism’. Mr Richards, a retired journalist, said: ‘This is setting a terrible example. All over Birmingham, and in other cities, teachers are trying to teach children correct grammar and punctuation. Now children will go around Birmingham and see utter chaos”.

Cleanup workers find car overgrown in British garden: “In Slough, Sir John Betjeman assured us, ‘there isn’t grass to graze a cow’. While that may be true, there was certainly enough in one resident’s back garden to completely engulf a car. The silver Ford Escort, dating from the early 1980s, was unearthed by council workers ordered to clear the dense undergrowth at the home of Annis Dodds in the Berkshire town. The tangle of vegetation had been there so long that it is thought even Mrs Dodds herself didn’t know a car was under there. As well as the rusting vehicle – with an air freshener still dangling jauntily from its rear-view mirror – they also found a carpet and other household items. The clearance team was called in after Mrs Dodds, who is thought to be in her 40s, ignored an official notice to cut back the garden. She was also ordered to hire a pest contractor after complaints from her neighbours that the undergrowth was infested with rats.”

Vase bought in Britain for $40 worth $20,000 : “A vase which was bought from an antiques shop for 20 pounds has been revealed as one of the earliest examples of English porcelain worth 10,000 pounds. The vase, which is just four inches high and decorated in an Oriental style, was displayed in a cabinet full of other china at the woman’s home, with no one aware of its true worth. After she died, her family asked an antiques expert to value her ornaments and, to their surprise, the piece was identified as a Royal Worcester vase from the early 1750s. It is one of the first porcelain pieces produced in England and extremely rare: only a handful have come to market in the last 50 years. Guy Schwinge, of Dukes Auctioneers, of Dorchester, Dorset, said: “I’m told the woman had a very refined eye for antiques and was good at spotting things other people had missed, like this vase. “She saw it in an antiques shop in Somerset a few years ago. The shop owner thought the vase was interesting but did not realise its historical significance. Apparently, she paid less than 20 pounds for it”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Some English lessons from Mexico

January 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! ‘Julyer!’

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ‘ Juarez your problem?’

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow?’

THE NEWS

Cows with names produce more milk: “Cows with names like Daisy, Gertrude or Buttercup produce more milk than their sisters with no names, according to a British study. Cattle who are given “the personal touch” can produce up to 284 litres of milk more a year, said experts at Newcastle University in northeast England. “Just as people respond better to the personal touch, cows also feel happier and more relaxed if they are given a bit more one-to-one attention,” said Catherine Douglas, who conducted the research. “By placing more importance on the individual, such as calling a cow by her name or interacting with the animal more as it grows up, we not only improve the animal’s welfare and her perception of humans, but also increase milk production,” she added. Almost half of those surveyed – 46 per cent – said the cows on their farms had individual names. Dairy farmer Dennis Gibb from the Eachwick Red House Farm outside Newcastle said it was “vitally important” to treat cows individually. “They aren’t just our livelihood – they’re part of the family. “We love our cows here at Eachwick and every one of them has a name. Collectively we refer to them as ‘our ladies’ but we know every one of them and each one has her own personality.”

The Zolfe Orange: “The Zolfe Orange might sound like a car made in Germany or Switzerland, but it’s actually an all-British project built in the West Midlands. And before pessimists dismiss it as a non-starter in the present climate, consider this: it accelerates faster than a Ferrari F430, costs less than a Porsche Boxster and has been developed by the man responsible for the Caterham 7 – the most fun four-wheeled machine in the world. Suddenly, the compact little Zolfe looks like being an affordable sports car at just the right time. Because it’s so light, the 31,625 pounds sterling base model gets to 60mph in just 5.3sec, while the higher-performance o40,250 version makes it in 3.8sec. City traders faced with the novel concept of a budget should take note: that’s well within supercar territory. The key to its performance is size: the Zolfe is small, but it’s perfectly formed. Everything you need to have fun behind the wheel is there, anything you don’t has been thrown out. Slightly smaller than a Mazda MX-5 and a little narrower than a Lotus Elise, the Zolfe has a nicely planted, low-to-the-ground stance. The styling is pleasingly retro”

3 little piggies forgotten?: “Britain’s first straw council houses are to be built in a bid to cut costs and energy consumption. The six semi-detached homes will be built from 250 bales and will be indistinguishable from normal homes because of their lime-washed walls. The straw is so tightly packed that it pose no fire risk and according to designers, it can save householders up to 80 per cent a year on heating bills. At 60,000 pounds, the three-bedroom properties also cost 20,000 less to build than a conventional house. The first council to experiment with the ground-breaking designs is North Kesteven in Lincolnshire, although more are now said to be queuing up for details.”

Woman texts sheriff seeking drugs: “Drug busts aren’t always easy. But a Jena woman made things simple for the LaSalle Parish Sheriff’s Office when she tried to make a drug deal via text message, authorities reported. The person on the other end of the phone was Sheriff Scott Franklin. Tracie L. Ingram, 36, of Jena was arrested Monday and charged with criminal conspiracy to commit possession of cocaine with the intent to distribute and possession of drug paraphernalia, officials said. In October, the Sheriff’s Office added an additional cell phone line to its plan and got a new phone number, Franklin said, and that number — authorities have since discovered — used to belong to an area drug dealer”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

The Importance of Walking

January 28, 2009 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she or he looks good…

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

My FAVORITE… I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

THE NEWS

Raccoon rapist’s penis bitten off: “An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man’s penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal. Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal. “When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow. Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.”

Strange playground: “A slide at a Wyndham housing estate playground is being watched by security around the clock after it was deemed too dangerous for small children. Urban developer Villawood Properties said it had paid security to guard the slide at Alamanda Estate Point Cook day and night for the past three months to make sure children below 1.28m tall did not use it. This was because three children under the height were seriously injured on the slide at Bayview Park in October last year, a month after it was installed with approval from Wyndham Council. The Leader this month saw many children using the slide, including those under the specified height, in the presence of security, believed to be costing the developer thousands of dollars. A guard watches the slide from a car at night.”

Man spends two days trapped under sofa: “A British man survived more than two days trapped under his sofa by sipping from a bottle of whisky, it was reported today. Joe Galliott fell against the sofa during a power cut at his home in Somerset, southwest England, and could not free himself because of back problems, the BBC reported. He remained stuck for 60 hours in that position – during which time a bottle of whisky rolled close enough for him to open it – until a neighbour became concerned that Mr Galliott’s curtains had not been drawn for two days. “The whole settee tipped over catching me like a rat in a trap,” the 65-year-old told the BBC. “I took a sip of (the whisky) and thought, well this isn’t too bad.” Mr Galliott, who spent five days in hospital recovering, admitted to becoming concerned after going so long without food or water: “It felt like a lifetime, you think you’re there forever.” He told the broadcaster that he now kept a bottle of whisky next to the sofa “just in case”.

Husband’s kiss woke ‘sleeping beauty wife’ in coma after heart attack: “After two weeks sitting by his wife’s bedside hoping she would wake from a coma, Andrew Ray was at his wits’ end. Doctors had told him Emma could become a real-life sleeping beauty when she failed to regain consciousness after a heart attack. The distraught father of two played her tapes of their baby son crying and their daughter shouting ‘wake up Mummy!’. Finally, in desperation, he leant over her hospital bed and pleaded: ‘Emma, if you can hear me, please just give me a kiss.’ ‘What happened next was beyond my wildest dreams,’ he said. ‘She turned her head towards mine, puckered up her lips and gave me a little kiss. ‘I couldn’t believe it. My heart felt like it was going to leap from my chest – it suddenly felt like a huge weight had been lifted.’ However, the kiss was just the start of an agonising battle for Mrs Ray, who continued to drift in and out of consciousness. Her brain had been starved of oxygen when her heart stopped beating and the resulting injury left her with short-term memory loss. Mrs Ray was transferred from the Royal Shrewsbury Hospital to a specialist brain injury rehabilitation unit at the Hayward Hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. She was eventually allowed home but now – almost two years later – the former IT consultant still needs ongoing rehabilitation for the brain damage she suffered. Mrs Ray said: ‘The recovery is awful because I have so little memory. Mr Ray said he was just grateful his wife had survived. He said: ‘She can walk quite well holding hands now, and at least our kids still have a mother and I still have a wife.’

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A triumph of life over death

January 27, 2009 at 9:30 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

As regular readers here well know, this is basically a humor blog but sometimes there are stories that just make the heart glad. See below

There are moments a parent never forgets. Like the moment Kelly and Eddy Thompson were told their baby girl had only a 10 per cent chance of surviving. Kira Thompson weighed only 498g [1 lb, 1 oz] – less than a tub of margarine – and fit in her father’s hand.

There was the moment they first saw her, when their hearts stopped. Kira’s skin was translucent – wires poking in everywhere. There were the three times Kira nearly died, the threat of disability and the daily battle of keeping her alive with oxygen for almost two years.

And that is why today the Thompson family will cherish their new moment. When Kira, 5, strides into her Prep class at Warwick West State School, her mother will almost burst with pride. “You would never pick her to be a child who would go through all that,” she said. “She’s an active, full-on child and is just so looking forward to school. “I call her my little devil.”

Original report here

THE NEWS

Man walks away after 30ft. fall from tower block: “A man who fell 9 metres from The Strand Hotel in Townsville last night got up, brushed himself off and walked away before emergency services arrived. The three storey fall happened about 6.17pm and an emergency services source said witnesses had seen the man fall before Triple 0 was called. But when QAS [ambulance] arrived at the scene the man had already left. QAS officers were last night speculating that perhaps the man landed on grass, which was water logged and soft, cushioning his landing.”

Scientists discover immortal jellyfish: “TURRITOPSIS nutricula may be the world’s only “immortal” creature. Turritopsis nutricula is the only known animal that is capable of reverting to its juvenile polyp state. Jellyfish usually die after propagating but Turritopsis reverts to a sexually immature stage after reaching adulthood and is capable of rejuvenating itself. The 4-5mm diameter creature, technically known as a hydrozoan, is the only known animal that is capable of reverting to its juvenile polyp state. Theoretically, this cycle can repeat indefinitely, rendering it potentially immortal. Found in warm tropical waters Turritopsis is believed to be spreading across the world as ships’ ballast water is discharged in ports. Though solitary, they are predatory creatures and evolve asexually from a polyp stage. The jellyfish and its reversal of the ageing process is now the focus of research by marine biologists and geneticists. It is thought to achieve the feat through the cell development process of transdifferentiation, in which cells transform from one type to another. The switching of cell roles is usually seen only when parts of an organ regenerate. However, it appears to occur normally in the Turritopsis life cycle.”

British pilots tried to shoot down UFOs: “The RAF has tried to shoot down UFOs on several occasions under instructions by the Ministry of Defence, a former employee has revealed. Pilots have fired at Unidentified Flying Objects flying in British skies several times but failed to bring them down, Nick Pope claims. Mr Pope, who worked on the MoD’s UFO section for three years, said the ‘shoot down’ directive had been in place since the 1980s. ‘We know of cases where the order has been given to shoot down – with little effect to the UFO,’ Mr Pope told The Sun. Firing at UFOs was ‘not automatic but happens when something in our airspace is deemed to be a threat’ he said. ‘In the case of UFOs, whether the object is causing a threat is very much a (pilot’s) judgment call,’ he told the paper. Mr Pope, a 43-year-old Londoner, said the rules of engagement were drawn up after dozens of encounters with unidentified craft. He said: ‘There was a faction in the MoD who said “We want to shoot down a UFO and that will resolve the issue one way or another”.’

IL: Boy, 14, dupes police, patrols Chicago for 5 hours : “A 14-year-old aspiring police officer donned a uniform, walked into a Chicago police station and managed to get an assignment – patroling in a squad car for five hours before he was detected, police said Sunday. The boy did not have a gun, never issued any tickets and didn’t drive the squad car, Deputy Superintendent Daniel Dugan said. Assistant Superintendent James Jackson said the ruse was discovered only after the boy’s patrol with an actual officer ended Saturday. Officers noticed his uniform lacked a star that is part of the regulation uniform. Police said they were investigating how the deception went undetected for so long in what they described as a serious security breach.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES

January 26, 2009 at 9:38 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. –
Plato

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

THE NEWS

Two Australians with a sense of humor: “A young Australian of the Year finalist stunned Kevin Rudd by detaching his prosthetic arm, leaving it dangling from the Prime Minster as the two shook hands. Sam Cawthorn decided to play a practical joke on the unsuspecting Prime Minister at an official function at The Lodge today. The Tasmanian motivational speaker, whose right arm was amputated above the elbow after a car accident, accepted a dare by his young daughter and left his artificial arm hanging from Mr Rudd’s when the two shook hands. Mr Rudd told the reception to honour Australian of the Year finalists he had not recovered from shock and was still “in therapy”.

Perverted cat? “He stalks the night preying on undies left unsuspectingly on clothes lines and in laundry baskets. Lithe and agile, he leaps fences to get his wily paws on socks, swimmers, shirts, dresses – even dolls. But it is no pervert at the centre of Mosman’s missing panties mystery. After months of curiosity and clothes disappearing from across the suburb, the cat burglar has been revealed as, well, a cat. His name is Cisco, a six-year-old Tonkinese cat owned by Dalton Rd resident Peter Hand. “It just started a few months ago, Cisco kept bringing in all manner of items,” Mr Hand said. “People were wondering where their things were getting to.” Besides undies, there have been cleaning mitts, garden gloves, a pin cushion and children’s toys. The blue-eyed cat drags the booty down a side path, through the cat door and up to Mr Hand’s bedroom. But now the secret is out. “I’ve been trying to find the owners. One lady asked if I had her swimmers,” real estate buyers agent Mr Hand said. “She was delighted to get them back.”

Nigeria police hold ‘robber’ goat, witchcraft claim: “Police in Nigeria are holding a goat handed to them by a vigilante group, which said it was a car thief who had used witchcraft to change shape. A police spokesman in Kwara State has been quoted as saying that the “armed robbery suspect” would remain in custody until investigations were over. “

Want better sex, fellas? Have a stiff drink: “It gives the phrase “a stiff drink” a whole new meaning: Australian researchers have made the surprise discovery that alcohol improves, rather than damages, men’s performance in the bedroom. They hope the finding, which flies in the face of conventional belief, will reassure men who worry about the affects of drinking on their sex lives. Until now, it has been widely believed alcohol consumption could cause erectile dysfunction, commonly called “brewer’s droop”. But a study of 1580 Australian men has shown the reverse may be true, with drinkers reporting as many as 30 per cent fewer problems than teetotallers. Even binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who never drank, although this type of drinking can cause other health problems.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Urban myths?

January 25, 2009 at 9:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

GOOD:-
In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD!” The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:-
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:-
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.” He replied, ” Texas State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

THE NEWS

France tries every trick in the book to wake up the workshy: “Fed up with your job? Feeling undervalued and dissatisfied? French businesses believe that chocolate fountains, coloured cushions and sex scenes could help to get a reluctant nation back to work. Consider, for example, Instants de Bonheur, an agency whose customers include some of France’s biggest groups. It aims to foster a spirit of unity and pride among colleagues by introducing what it describes as moments of happiness into the gloom of the working day. When computer group executives went on a business trip to Barcelona, for instance, their coach simulated a breakdown. They got into a replacement bus whose actor passengers played out a real-time version of Candid Camera. One played a woman having a fit. A second began to sing and strum on a guitar. And two others started to kiss, fondle and strip off in the back seats. “That really broke the ice,” said David Sibony, the founder of Instants de Bonheur, which loosely translates to “Happy Moments”. “When the staff got to the restaurant and found out they had been fooled by actors, they all had a really good laugh.” Other stunts have involved asking actors to play a clumsy waiter and a scantily dressed Russian model at a conference for high-ranking personnel managers in Paris.”

Broken penis episode in Grey’s Anatomy sparks frantic internet search among men: “A plotline about a man with a ‘broken penis’ in the US hospital drama Grey’s Anatomy has sparked a flurry of queries on internet search engines by worried men. According to the search engine Google, two of the three most searched terms at present are “penile fracture” and “broken penis”. It follows an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Stairway to Heaven, screened in the US on Thursday, in which consultant Mark Sloan – otherwise known as McSteamy – suffered a fractured penis after indulging in sex in the on-call room with Lexie Grey. According to the episode synopsis on broadcaster ABC’s website, the resulting injury sparks intense speculation among colleagues as to who is responsible for his agonising injury. Sloan, played by Eric Dane, who also stars in Marley & Me and X-Men, is generally considered to be one of the programme’s principal heart throbs, who has had romantic trysts with a large number of the main female characters. His injury is rare but can occur, although it mainly affects young men during sexual intercourse.”

British rubbish hoarder ordered to pay $70,000 clean-up bill: “Anthony Cockerham, a man whose house was stuffed “from floor to ceiling” with rubbish, has been ordered to pay o38,0000 to clean up the mess. A court ruled that Anthony Cockerham should foot the bill for his local council to remove tons of rubbish from his home which had caused a rat infestation. The 61-year-old had refused to let contractors enter his home to tackle the problem. But when they finally obtained a warrant to get in, they discovered bags of rubbish and old newspapers piled to the ceiling, which eventually filled 17 skips. Leeds County Court has now ordered Cockerham to pay for the clearing operation at his home in the Oakwood area of the city. He also faces legal fees of up to o40,000. Steve Smith, Leeds City Council’s executive board member for environmental services, said: “You may say an Englishman’s home is his castle but when public health is at stake we have to take measures to protect people. “The simple fact is that the conditions in this house threatened the health of its occupants and those living nearby. “With the court awarding the council costs, we have also made sure the process of clearing the house and then the long battle to get Mr Cockerham to pay will not leave the council taxpayers of Leeds out of pocket.” The state of Cockerham’s home was discovered after a neighbour complained about a rat infestation in 2005.”

Widow finds dead husband’s secret toy treasure trove hidden in shed: “For decades, Brenda Rowlands wondered what her husband Dewi kept locked away in the wooden chest he stored in the shed. He had always “politely refused to say” when she questioned him about it, but when he died recently aged 77 curiosity finally got the better of her. What Mrs Rowlands found was a treasure trove of children’s toys dating back to when her husband was a boy and that he had kept lovingly under wraps for over 70 years. Mr Rowlands had packed away his favourite things in the chest when the Second World War broke out and kept them in there but never told anyone of the wonderful array of 1920s and 30s games, wooden toys and animals. Mrs Rowlands said: “Inside was a clockwork train set, clockwork helicopter, soldiers made of lead and wooden farm and zoo animals all from the 1920s and 30s. “It was amazing. There were home-made farm buildings, a wooden alphabet, and game of snakes and ladders and ludo. “I also found a small tin containing marbles, broken toys, nuts and bolts – just the things which might have been found in the pockets of a small boy during the 1930s.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A flash of realism

January 24, 2009 at 9:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What the heck did you do that?” shouts Stan. “You know he’s probablyonly gonna use it for drugs or booze!”

Ryan replies, “And we weren’t?”

THE NEWS

British football club holds minute’s silence for ‘dead’ ex-player… only to discover he’s still alive: “A football club has scored an own goal after holding a minute’s silence for a former player who turned out to be alive and well hundreds of miles away. Former amateur footballer Tommy Farrer, 86, was shocked after his wife Gladys received condolence messages from a club he played with more than 50 years ago. Mr Farrer, who played for Bishop Auckland Football Club in the north east during the 1940s and 1950s, was shocked after learning club members held a minute’s silence in his honour. Bishops bosses only realised their mistake when club chairman Terry Jackson called Mr Farrer’s wife to express his sympathy over her husband’s death. Mr Jackson was left red-faced after she told him her husband was alive and had just ducked out to buy a newspaper. He apologised for the mix up and said the tribute was made with the best intentions. ‘It is the first and, hopefully, the last time something like this has happened,’ he said.”

Security robot that nets burglars with spider web spray: “Burglars beware! A new robotic security guard has been unveiled that can sense an intruder and launch a net to capture them. The prototype T-34 trundles along on four small wheels and it loaded with sensors that can detect anything untoward in an office building. Created by robot developer tmsuk and security firm Alacom the surveillance robot reacts to body heat and sound. The zippy machine moves up to 6mph under the command of a person who sees real-time images of where the robot is on the screen of his mobile. It can then be instructed to spray a ‘spider web’ net that entangles the intruder. The robot was demonstrated recently in Tokyo. ‘Security sensors often set off false alarms but examining the location with the robot will lead to more efficient operations,’ the companies said.”

LPs back from the dead: “They will never compete with compact discs when it comes to pristine sound, or MP3s when it comes to convenience. They don’t hold photographs or feature films, and the bargain bins in Asian street markets are not exactly bulging with knock-offs illegally reproduced in secret sweatshops. But figures released in the US last week showed that vinyl albums sales nearly doubled last year, with 1.88 million sold – up from just under 1 million in 2007. In Australia, unofficial figures show an increase of more than 50 per cent over the same period. When U2 release their new album, No Line On The Horizon, next month they will do so on vinyl, as well as CD. Last year Elvis Costello released his new album on vinyl alone for its first few weeks on sale, before releasing a CD version, and Radiohead offered a $100 vinyl option of its album In Rainbows – which fans could otherwise download for whatever price they chose. It sold more than 100,000 copies.”

Australia: An amazingly stupid show-off: “A Staggeringly stupid hoon decided the best place to do a burn-out was outside the Police Academy during a graduation ceremony – he was wrong. A police officer on his way to yesterday’s graduation ceremony at Fort Largs saw a car doing a burnout on Military Rd about 10.30am. He pulled the driver over and cautioned him. A short time later, during the graduation ceremony, which was attended by most of SA Police’s highest ranking officers, the man was seen doing another burn-out outside. A patrol was sent to the man’s address at North Haven, where he was charged with misuse of a motor vehicle. His car was defected and impounded for seven days and, as an added bonus for police, he was also charged with cultivating three cannabis plants.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Services

January 23, 2009 at 9:47 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘service’.

Internal Revenue ‘Service’

U.S. Postal ‘Service’

Telephone ‘Service’

Cable ‘Service’

Civil ‘Service’

Customer ‘Service’

State, City & County Public ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

THE NEWS

Deer takes revenge on hunter: “The hunter becomes the hunted when a rampaging deer takes revenge on the man who shot it in a flurry of antlers and hooves. Veteran hunter Randy Goodman, 47, from Missouri, US, shot the 110kg stag twice and assumed it was dead. But seconds later the furious beast managed to get up and turn on him, knocking Goodman to the ground and pounding him with its hooves. Now Goodman, who described the attack just before Christmas as “15 seconds of hell”, has had the indignity of having to watch the deer take top billing in a YouTube video watched by more than three million people. The Sun reports that after the attack the deer ran a short distance and collapsed. Goodman recovered to fire two more shots, making sure the animal was definitely dead. He then drove himself to hospital, where he needed seven stitches to his head.”

Boiled burglar caught in a hot tin roof: “For two hours he hid inside the roof, the sun beating down on the tin above sending the temperature in his hiding place soaring. Finally the burglar, who was forced to crouch in the tiny cavity after the family he intended to rob came home unexpectedly, could take no more and fainted. The half-baked crook came crashing through the ceiling and landed at the feet of a horrified couple and their five young children almost 4m below. Food distributor Darren Young described yesterday how he and wife Deslie and five of their six children were at their Newcastle home on the New South Wales Central Coast on Wednesday when the would-be thief made a sudden and unlikely entrance. In a shower of plaster and insulation, the intruder slammed face-down into the hardwood floor and started groaning for help. With their terrified children looking on, the couple armed themselves with a pair of mildly threatening ceramic ornaments and screamed at the bumbling burglar to get out of their house. The intruder staggered outside before collapsing in the backyard, where the Youngs and neighbours held him with the ornaments and a set of oars until police arrived. The family thought they had heard faint calls for help about 30 minutes before, but had no idea the pleas were coming from their uninvited guest cooped up in the cavity over their heads. Police believe the 28-year-old Newcastle man gained entry through a laundry manhole up to two hours before but was forced to hide after the family returned home. With temperatures outside almost 40C, the cavity probably acted like a furnace slowly heating the criminal until he became faint and fell through the ceiling.”

Priest stole from US church to fund not so saintly life: “Every Sunday the parishioners of St Vincent Ferrer Catholic church in Florida dropped their dollar notes into the collection plate, confident that their two saintly parish priests would make sure the money went straight into the church. And so it did – but not in quite the way the parishioners might have expected. First the money went into a hiding place in the ceiling tiles of the Delray Beach church. Then it found its way into an offshore account the priests had opened, from where it was used to fund gambling trips to Las Vegas, lavish homes and even a mistress for one of the men. Over a quarter of a million dollars was spent on a rare coin collection. In a Florida court yesterday Reverend John Skehan, 81, pleaded guilty to embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars in what prosecutors believe may be the biggest embezzlement case to hit the US Catholic Church. He and his colleague Rev Francis Guinan, 66, were about to go on trial for the theft of nearly $US1million between 2001 and 2006, the time frame covered by the statute of limitations. However church auditors believe the true amount could be closer to $8 million, stolen over a period of 20 years. As well as spending their parishioners’ money on inter-state gambling trips, Rev Guinan spent much of the money taking his mistress, a former church book-keeper, on luxury holidays, prosecutors claim.”

They love “Mr. Darcy”: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that Colin Firth, in his incarnation as Mr Darcy, was one of the ultimate pin-ups of the 1990s. Today, a handful of die-hard fans were engaged in a bitter bidding war to own a piece of the smouldering aristocrat who won the hearts of millions in the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice. A portrait of Firth as Mr Darcy, which hung in the character’s fictional mansion in the 1995 adaptation of Jane Austen’s classic novel, was finally auctioned for o12,000 at Bonhams today, double its estimated price. Even before the sale began, the painting was subject to a number of advance bids, a spokesman for the London auction house said. The oil painting, which shows the actor gazing soulfully through the canvas in full period costume, featured in the fourth episode of the drama in which Elizabeth visits Darcy’s ravishing country estate, Pemberley. It was accompanied at auction by a signed letter from Firth, who sent women nationwide into a collective swoon when he emerged from a lake tousled and dripping in a wet shirt during the same episode.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Leg Tingle Epidemic Stresses E.R.s

January 22, 2009 at 9:53 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

An alarming outbreak of a mysterious disease has health officials puzzled. Hospital emergency rooms around the Capitol and across the country are being visited by thousands of people who are reporting alarming “leg tingles” which started around 12:15 p.m. today.

The CDC is investigating an unnerving strand of “leg tingle-itis” which is sweeping across the country. Some CDC officials are investigating reports that the original victim of this epidemic could be a news anchor who reported the symptoms months ago.”

A CDC official said, “If anyone has heard of this Chris Matthews on a network nobody’s ever heard of called MS-something or other please contact the Center for Disease Control.”

They say Matthews may be the Typhoid Mary of leg-tingle-itis and are concerned that the disease may have already spread to 52 percent of the population. But some health officials seem to believe it’s hitting journalists particularly hard. David Gregory of Meet the Press needed to be rolled into the emergency room while Keith Olbermann has reported that the tingles have spread over his entire body and he’s soiled himself thrice.

Health officials say they’re unsure how long the symptoms could last. “These leg tingles could persist anywhere from a few weeks to four or even eight years. Nobody knows,” said a health official.

Some economists believe this epidemic could negatively effect the economy because one of the side effects of “leg tingle-itis” is the sufferers seem to believe that things will be given to them whether they’ve earned them or not.

And almost to a person they each seem to believe the world is getting better every second for no apparent reason. Each sufferer also seem to suffer mostly upon hearing cliches. One study showed that uttering such cliches as “choosing hope over fear” led to a renewed outbreak.

Doctors are saying that for now the only thing which has shown signs of alleviating symptoms is “getting a life.”

(Non-Americans may not know what the above satire refers to. If so, see here and here)

THE NEWS

Baby’s call from indoor marijuana farm in Canada lands dad in jail: “A baby playing with a telephone inadvertently called police to his house in westernmost Canada and to his “very surprised” father’s marijuana-growing operation inside, police say. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police responded to an emergency 911 call in which the caller hung up without saying a word, Constable Janelle Canning said. The officers entered the White Rock residence, after knocks at the door went unanswered, she said. “The father was very surprised to see us and insisted he hadn’t called police,” she said. “The officers then observed his 11-month-old child playing with a cordless phone, pressing buttons randomly.” The mystery caller was identified, she said. “It appears the baby called us.” During a routine search of the house, the officers also uncovered 500 marijuana plants in two locked rooms on the main floor. The 29-year-old father was arrested and faces charges of production of a controlled substance and mischief. He is to appear in court in April. The baby boy was removed from the home by the Ministry of Children and Family, and was later released into his mother’s custody.”

Something in my eye, Doc: “In China, a 57-year-old man ended up with the tap stuck 3cm into his eye socket after he slipped and fell in his bathroom while having a morning wash. The 57-year-old’s freaked-out family immediately called in emergency crews in Chongqing, with one relative telling the Chongqing Business Daily: “It was so scary, there was blood spouting everywhere.” irefighters could only cut the pipe with hydraulic shears, leaving the tap handle and a section of pipe still stuck in his eye. He was taken to Daping Hospital, where staff called a plumber to try and make the pipe small enough to fit him in a CAT scan machine. “But the plumber couldn’t remove it without causing too much pain, so we had to change the plan and first take an X-ray,” a doctor said. The X-ray showed the tap had gone 3cm into the man’s eye – and in the end he was so fed up with waiting for doctors to make a decision that he pulled it out HIMSELF. Doctors were shocked by his bravery and immediately took the CAT scan, which showed he had a fractured nose and facial bones but amazingly no damage to his eye or brain.”

Belgium: homeless shelter opens doors to dogs: “A shelter in the Belgian city of Liege has opened its doors to dogs this winter to persuade their homeless owners to come in from the freezing cold. The city’s social welfare agency has agreed to house about eight homeless people with their pets at a local soccer club when it is freezing outside. Michel Faway, secretary-general of the agency, said the programme started because many homeless people refused to come inside without their dogs no matter how cold it got.”

Eleventh child on way for ‘rampant rabbi’ with seven ‘wives’: “Philip Sharp, 48, already has seven “wives” – none of whom he has actually married – and ten children by four of them. And Mr Sharp, a former rabbi at a Messianic Jewish synagogue in Hove, Sussex, will become a father for the eleventh time in September. He claims that God told him he was an Old Testament king and should build his family to strengthen his religious faith. He has created a harem of women, whom he declares to be his wives after they have slept with him. Mr Sharp claims 800 pounds a month in child benefits. He said the family was struggling with the cost of living and that his 60,000-a-year haulage firm had been hit by the recession. “Each child makes things a little tighter, but I won’t stop having kids,” he told Closer magazine.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

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