Wicked Thoughts

THE NEWS

Deep sea ’serpent’ not mythological after all: ” Scientists have caught what could be the first deep sea glimpse of the world’s longest and rarest “serpent” fish. The long, thin, metallic silver oarfish – which can grow to 17 metres [55'] and is believed to be the source of sea serpent myths – is usually only seen dying on the ocean’s surface or dead, washed up on the shore. But scientists working in collaboration with energy companies in the Gulf of Mexico have just filmed the rare oarfish in its deep sea habitat by using a remotely operated vehicle, the BBC reports. “We saw this bright vertical shiny thing, I said ‘are they lowering more riser?’ as it looked like they were lowering a huge [drilling] pipe,” University of Louisiana scientist Mark Benfield said. “We zoomed in a little bit and we said ‘that’s not a riser that’s a fish! “As we approached it retreated downwards swimming tail first in a vertical orientation as the ROV followed.” Early estimates put this fish at between five and 10 metres long. The harmless oarfish is found in all tropical and temperate marine waters. It feeds on plankton and fish but is very rarely seen. An oarfish has a long dorsal fin that runs the length of its body and appears to ripple when swimming, but no tail fin ….. Professor Benfield’s team in the Gulf of Mexico followed the oarfish for about five minutes. “What was interesting about the fish was its swimming behaviour,” he said. “It moved by undulating its dorsal fin in waves that propelled it backwards at quite a good speed.” [Video at link]

Scot, 72, judo world’s seventh 10th Dan: “A 72-year-old Scottish man has entered the realms of judo royalty after reaching the highest level of expertise in the martial art. Sky News reports only a handful of people, usually Japanese, are ever given the status of 10th Dan in judo, but the honor has been bestowed on the President of the British Judo Association, George Kerr. The honor secured him membership in one of the sporting world’s most exclusive clubs and a place in the ranks of the Japanese masters who introduced the sport to the world. The Edinburgh-based Mr Kerr was given the award by the International Judo Federation in a ceremony at its main tournament in Paris. Upon receiving it, Mr Kerr became one of only seven people in the world who currently hold the 10th Dan status as recognised by judo’s governing body. “It’s a great honor,” he said. “I’m really over the moon and slightly embarrassed at the same time because a lot of my Japanese contemporaries, who are older than me and technically better than I ever was, have not been similarly recognised. “But I’m delighted, and it’s a great achievement for Scottish and British judo. I think it’s great for my country.”

Sword-swallowing record: “An Australian street performer has set a new Guinness World Record by swallowing 18 swords at the same time. Chayne Hultgren, aka The Space Cowboy, swallowed the blades, 72 centimetres [2'4"] long, in Sydney this morning. The 31-year-old from Byron Bay on the New South Wales north coast said he was thrilled to have made history. “It’s amazing,” he said. “I’ve been preparing for this since I was 16.” Hultgren beat his own previous record of 17 swords – also a Guinness World Record – which he set in 2008.”

Naughty coffee in Seattle area: “Five coffee shop workers are facing prostitution charges after putting on sex shows for customers for cash. The steamy baristas work in bikini coffee shops – where staff are required to wear swimsuits. But the infamous five have gone even further – perking up their customers by wearing thongs and nipple tassels. Cops say they have also been indulging in lewd behaviour bordering on the obscene. The five baristas work in Everett, north of Seattle, US. They have been accused of charging up to $80 to let customers fondle or photograph them as they put on erotic shows. They face court dates on prostitution charges later this month. Dozens of bikini coffee shops have sprung up in the Seattle area as competition for customers has mounted. They have names like Brewlesque, Twin Perks and Java Juggs. Bill Wheeler, who runs four Grab-N-Go bikini espresso stands in the Everett area, said the prostitution charges had damaged business. He said: “You have a bunch of church groups that got together and decided they just don’t like women in bikinis.” But at Java Juggs business is booming, with workers picking up close to $150 in tips during a six-hour shift.”

Tall tower already cactus: “The observation deck of Dubai’s Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest high-rise, has been closed for repairs only a month after the iconic tower was inaugurated, the developers said. “Due to unexpected high traffic, the observation deck experience at the Burj Khalifa… has been temporarily closed for maintenance and upgrade,” Emaar Properties said. “Technical issues with the power supply are being worked on,” it added, without specifying when visitors could expect once more to be able to ascend for a panoramic view of Dubai. The glistening concrete, glass and steel pinnacle rising 828 metres out of the desert sands was inaugurated just over a month ago in a lavish ceremony. The observation deck on the 124th floor, called “At the Top,” was the only part of the Dubai icon that was open to the public.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that The entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.

He confidently stated, “If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible.”

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said “Reverend, I don’t think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS.”

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday , the woman came up to him and asked, “Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?”

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read,

“… And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

THE NEWS

Some REAL fun for druggies: “British authorities today warned drug users that heroin in London was highly likely to be contaminated with anthrax, after a first confirmed case there and following nine deaths in Scotland. “While public health investigations are ongoing, it must be assumed that all heroin in London carries the risk of anthrax contamination,” said Dr. Brian McCloskey, who is director of the Health Protection Agency (HPA) in London.”Heroin users are advised to cease taking heroin by any route, if at all possible, and to seek help from their local drug treatment services.” McCloskey added that the risk to the general population was “negligible.” Anthrax has been found in 19 heroin users in Scotland since December and nine of those people died, six of them in the Glasgow area, officials said. The first case in London was confirmed yesterday, and the user was in hospital receiving treatment.” [Drug-using is Russian roulette anyway but it looks like there is now an extra bullet in the revolver]

Kiss of life for pup: “A Gympie mother has used her nursing skills to bring a cattle dog pup back to life using cardiopulmonary resuscitation after it was attacked by a 2m carpet snake. Jeraldene McKenna used the kiss of life and gentle compressions to revive the four-week-old pup after retrieving its limp body from the clutches of the python. The drama unfolded at the family’s Tandur property south of Gympie when Mrs McKenna and her husband, Shane, were alerted by a night-time ruckus in the pen where red cattle dog bitch Samantha was nursing her eight puppies. In torchlight they saw Samantha trying to fend off the large snake which was rearing to strike at her while its tail was wrapped around the neck of the little pup they called Grace. When Mr McKenna chased off the snake, Mrs McKenna said she picked up the puppy and thought the worst. “Its tongue was hanging out, it was all blue, it just looked dead. Then I just thought, ‘if this was a baby what would I do?’ so I gave it two rescue breaths and started to push on its chest.” Carrying the lifeless body back to their house, she continued giving the pup breaths and compressions and after a couple of minutes it managed a very weak breath on its own. “To be honest, I thought it was going to be brain dead and I thought ‘what are we going to do now?’ but I took it back out to its mother waiting by the door and I laid it down on the ground,” said Mrs McKenna. “She started to lick it and it lifted up and started suckling, then it stood up. It was amazing. I could not believe it.”

Lively Ukrainian ladies: “Several young topless women barged into a Ukrainian polling station, rowdily protesting before a candidate cast his ballot. The women, members of a small feminist group called Femen known for staging eye-catching protests, were hustled out of the Kiev polling station by security guards before Viktor Yanukovich showed up to vote. “Enough raping our democracy!” shouted the protesters, who held signs with slogans such as “Help! Rape!” and wore nothing except for jeans and strips of green electrical tape over their nipples. The women told reporters they were protesting “the end of democracy” in Ukraine and not specifically against Yanukovich or in favour of his rival, Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. The two candidates fought a bitter election campaign and many Ukrainians say they are with frustrated with the choice, amid deep disillusionment with the country’s protracted political stalemate and economic crisis. Femen, whose members are mostly university students, drew international attention last summer by holding a protest against Ukraine’s sex tourism trade where activists picketed in central Kiev wearing only their underwear.”

Why a hairy chest just lacks the sex factor: “It has long been seen as a sign of masculinity – but men with hairy chests are less attractive to women, according to new research. A study has found that they prefer a smooth torso, particularly at their most fertile time of the month. Hairy men are more likely to have higher levels of female hormone oestrogen, which could affect their virility. The hormone makes hairier men more ‘homely and reliable’, but in theory it could reduce their female partner’s chances of becoming pregnant and means women may subconsciously find them less attractive. But post-menopausal women – for whom fertility is not an issue – prefer their men hairy. Researchers at Turku University in Finland took pictures of 20 men before and after they shaved off their body hair. The photos were shown to 550 women aged between 15 and 69. Only 30 per cent of younger women preferred hairy men, compared with 60 per cent of older women. The study states: ‘These findings suggest that body hair may play a much more important role in human mate choice than previously thought.’

Maltese cusine: “The fried rabbit was smothered in a heavily muscled sauce redolent of red wine, garlic, onions and tomatoes, its aroma mingling with that of the bragioli being devoured at the other side of the table. The rabbit – stuffat tal-fenek – and my partner’s bragioli, which is thin slices of beef stuffed with crumbed local bread, bacon, onion and parsley all drenched in a red wine sauce, are two of Malta’s national dishes, consumed on this occasion within 50m of the severed head of John the Baptist. Malta will now forever in my mind be identified with rabbits and St John, the ‘‘rabbit restaurants’’ of this small Mediterranean island offering a stand-out and unexpected culinary experience. St John never made it to Malta and thus missed out on the rabbit, but his image can be found in the painting by Caravaggio titled The Beheading of St John, a magnificent work which hangs in St John’s Cathedral which is opposite the San Giovanni Restaurant which, as you would expect, is in St John’s Square.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

You’ve heard of the T Model Ford. Millions were made. But Henry Ford had several models before the “T” that sold only in the thousands. Below is the Model R Ford — from 1907

THE NEWS

Man Performs Surgery On Own Dog: “A Rhode Island man who said he couldn’t afford to pay for his dog’s surgery decided to take matters into his own hands — by performing the surgery himself. Alan MacQuittie told WPRI-TV in Providence, R.I., that he did similar work while in the military. He said removing the cyst from his 14-year-old Labrador-shepherd mix isn’t cruelty to animals. “Trying to help an animal, no, that’s not cruelty,” MacQuittie said. He’s now facing charges over the surgery, including unnecessary cruelty to animals and unauthorized practice of veterinary medicine. His dog, Nakita, is expected to make a full recovery.”

Body found due to blood-soaked ceiling: “A man was arrested on suspicion of murder after a body was discovered when blood was seen dripping from the ceiling of an office in England, police said today. The victim, 27-year-old Ahmed Remon Hayder, known as Ray, was found in an apartment above a firm of architects in Seaford, East Sussex, just before 1pm local time on Monday. A post-mortem examination found he died of head injuries, Sky News reports. Police had said his cousin Anaha Ali, 29, who also uses the name of Mohammad Azhar, was “a man of interest” in the investigation. A Sussex Police spokesman said a 29-year-old man had been arrested last night in east London. He was being taken to Sussex to be interviewed. Staff at Plans Architectural Design Shop called police on Monday afternoon after spotting blood dripping from the apartment above their offices in the corner of their ceiling.”

‘Demon sheep’ ad surprisingly popular: “A new political web ad featuring a “demon sheep” is taking the internet by storm. The ad, released this week by California republican candidate Carly Fiorina, takes aim at her primary opponent Tom Campbell. Ms Fiorina’s ad shows a human dressed as a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” with red laser eyes creeping around a field of real sheep. Earlier in the ad, a sheep representing Mr Campbell is shown on a pedestal, being raised up into the sky before its eyes turn red and lightning strikes it, causing it to fall back down to earth. The next shot fades to show the face of Tom Campbell. Ms Fiorina’s ad shows the scary-looking sheep as an ominous voiceover declares: “Tom Campbell, is he what he tells us, or is he what he’s become over the years – a FCINO, Fiscal conservative in name only, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A man who literally helped put the state of California on the path to bankruptcy and higher taxes.” According to the Huffington Post, the ad may be inspired by Black Sheep, a 2007 B-grade horror film made in New Zealand”. [Video at link. For the record, it's not much of a choice for California Republicans. Campbell supports Islamic terrorists and Fiorina adores race-hustler Jesse Jackson. No wonder Fiorina concentrates on taxes]

Three birdbrains in one advertisement: “They’re the newest Aussie faces in the global fashion industry – screeching, cocky show-offs. Actress Julianne Moore has teamed up in Rome with two sulphur-crested cockatoos in a sexy shoot for luxury brand Bulgari. The two birds – Shaka, aged 27, and Mr Bird, aged 13 – were bred in the US from a pure Australian lineage and trained to work as “studio birds”. “Julianne Moore loved them and was very much at ease when she was interacting with them,” a Bulgari spokeswoman said. “At a certain point Shaka suddenly said to [Moore], ‘I love you’, between two shots, which came as a surprise and generated much euphoria.” [Where have all her freckles gone in the pic above?]

A strange children’s book in Britain: “Waterstone’s, Britain’s biggest bookseller, has recommended a novel full of expletives, sex and violence for children as young as eight. Sawbones, a thriller by the Scottish crime writer Stuart MacBride, was chosen by the retailer in a children’s catalogue as suitable for “reluctant, struggling or dyslexic readers aged 8+”. The story of a serial killer who tours the United States murdering young women, it opens with the sentence: “Soon as I see the police in the rear-view mirror I know we’re f*****.” Over the next 113 pages it uses the F-word and its variants 89 times. The plot includes three male castrations, references to oral sex, limbs being amputated and one attack on a girl by a vicious dog. The novel is featured in the latest edition of Waterstone’s Guide to Kids’ Books, which is available in stores across Britain and via mail order. Under the heading Reluctant Readers, the guide states: “Kids always enjoy books which feel a bit subversive or naughty.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.”

The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. ” I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia”

THE NEWS

Britain: Cat owners more educated than dog owners: “The respective merits of cats and dogs as domestic pets have long been debated, but now a crucial new difference has emerged: cat owners are smarter. A study says that cat owners are more likely to have a degree than dog owners. The team admitted that there was no obvious explanation why cat owners should have better academic qualifications than dog owners… “The reason for this association is unclear,” said Dr Jane Murray of the university’s Department of Clinical Veterinary Science. “It is unlikely to be related to household income as this variable was not shown to be significant, but it could be related to household members with longer working hours having less time available to care for a dog.” The full findings, published in the Veterinary Record, showed that cats were more likely to be owned by households with gardens, semi-urban and rural households, households with someone qualified to degree level, and respondents who were female and those under 65 years old. They were less likely to be owned by households with one or more dogs. The likelihood of dog ownership increased as the household size increased.”

More dinosaur coloring revealed: “Scientists have mapped out the full colour pattern for a feathered dinosaur for the first time. They found that the species in question looked something like a Spangled Hamburg chicken. By analysing fossilised pigments, called melanosomes, the team were able to assign colours to individual feathers of Anchiornis huxleyi, a four-winged carnivore dinosaur that lived during the late Jurassic period in China. The dinosaur, which was alive about 47 million years ago, had a largely grey body, a reddish-brown, Mohawk-like crest and facial speckles, and white feathers on its wings and legs, with bold black-spangled tips. Unlike the recent discovery of the ginger-feathered dinosaur, also from China, the latest work studied the entire fossil of a single animal, enabling the research team from Yale University in the United States to reveal rich colour patterns over the entire animal. “This was no crow or sparrow, but a creature with a very notable plumage,” said Professor Richard Prum, an evolutionary biologist at Yale and a co-author of the study. “This would be a very striking animal if it was alive today.” The colour patterns on the creature’s limbs, which the authors compare to those of the modern day Spangled Hamburg chicken, were probably used in communication and may have helped the dinosaur to attract mates, and ward off predators.”

Britain’s oldest vacuum cleaner still hoovering after 80 years: “Like most 81-year-olds, it is a little dented around the edges and takes its time to get around the house. But Bill Whitwam’s 1929 Hoover Senior is still in perfect running order and has never needed a replacement part. Mr Whitwam, who at 76 is five years its junior, believes it must be Britain’s oldest working vacuum cleaner. ‘It comes from an age when things were built to last,’ said the retired textile manufacturer at his semi-detached home in Aylestone, Leicester. ‘It can suck up literally anything, even gravel in the garden.’ The vacuum was bought for Mr Whitwam’s parents Willie and Phyllis as a wedding gift and was passed on to him following their deaths in the 1950s. He said: ‘It may be a battered old thing but it still does the job as well as when it was brand new. ‘We hear a lot about our throwaway society ruining the planet, but if they could make things to last in 1929, then surely today’s technology can do the same.’

Nature lover lost in North Sea saved by woman who spotted his camera flashing… 350 miles away: “A German man owes his life to a woman who rescued him from 350 miles away – thanks to his camera. The man lost on a frozen stretch of the North Sea was facing almost certain death when he flashed his camera in the hope that someone might be out watching the same beautiful sunset he had set out to witness. Luckily the camera flash off the coast of St. Peter-Ording near the Danish border was witnessed by a female nature lover sitting in front of her computer in the Westerwald region near the Rhine hundreds of miles away in southern Germany. She was monitoring a camera set up on the beach to record the vivid sunset. Seeing the camera flashes she alerted local police who in turn sent through an emergency call that resulted in a patrol rescuing the man as temperatures plunged to -20c.

Yummy snake: “Scientists have captured amazing underwater shots – including a tiger shark stalking a sea snake – in a multimillion-dollar push to monitor the Great Barrier Reef in real time. Hammerhead sharks, shark rays, shovelnose rays, and schools of coral trout and red emperor have been captured by the latest in electronic gadgets. Australian Institute of Marine Science fish biologist Mike Cappo dropped 16 baited cameras to depths of up to 50m to capture images of a female tiger shark stalking a sea snake. The 3m shark ate a bait can, then bit the camera, as the lucky snake slipped out of its jaws.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, completely by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

“Hello?” she cried, but there was no answer.

“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but there was still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

“We’re down here….”

SURVIVOR ….. Montana Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Montana is planning to do its own, titled ‘Survivor -Montana Style.’

The contestants will start in Helena , travel over to Billings and Lewistown. Then, they will head northwest to Missoula then up to Kalispell. From there they will proceed west to Libby and Troy. Then final leg will be back to Helena !

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I’m gay. I’m a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Obama is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I’m here to confiscate your guns.’

The first one that makes it back to Helena alive wins..

THE NEWS

Sex change becomes a tax deduction: “The concept of a tax deduction has taken on a curiously physical dimension in a US court case. In overturning existing tax rules, the court found that a sex change operation is not cosmetic and treats a disease, making it tax-deductible. The court ruled that hormone therapies and sex reassignment surgeries were necessary to treat a gender identity disorder for a Boston man who became a woman called Rhiannon O’Donnabhain. A civil engineer who joined the US Coast Guard during the Vietnam War and fathered three children in a 20-year marriage, O’Donnabhain sued after the Internal Revenue Service denied her deduction of $US25,000 in out-of-pocket medical costs associated with surgery and other care such as hormone treatments and counselling. O’Donnabhain argued that her medical costs should not be considered any different to heart surgery”.

Wild pheasant terrorises British village: “A wild pheasant is wreaking havoc in a peaceful town forcing residents to take cover indoors, it was reported today. Local paper The Northern Echo said the aggressive male bird has a long list of victims in North Yorkshire, England. He has reportedly attacked men, women, children, baby-strollers, bikes, dogs and even cars in Newsham, North Yorkshire. The ferocious bird is known to hide silently in bushes, waiting for innocent passersby, before leaping out for an attack. The pheasant has been rumoured to wait for the area school bus, chasing screaming children into the safety of their home. Sonia Hall, 65, who was attacked by the pheasant while out for a walk with her two-year-old grandson, Jacob, told the Northern Echo, “When we came out of the post office and set off back to the house, the pheasant darted across the road towards us. It started flying low towards my legs and pecking at me.” Hall now leaves the house ready and armed to fight the pesky bird. “Another day it came at me and I whacked it with my handbag. I carry an umbrella around with me now for protection,” she added.”

Kite surfer killed by sharks in Florida: “Sharks have attacked and killed a 38-year-old kite-surfer off the eastern coast of Florida. The victim was spotted by a lifeguard as he was floating encircled by sharks off Stuart Beach, some 90 miles north of Miami, the local news website TCPalm.com said. The local man had been kite surfing on an unguarded stretch of beach when the attack occurred. The lifeguard paddled out to him and brought him to shore on his board but the man, identified as Stephen Howard Schafer, appeared to have multiple shark bite wounds and was unconscious when rescued. Paramedics tried resuscitate him on the beach before he was rushed to hospital, where he subsequently died. Mr Schafer, 38, was kite surfing south of Stuart Beach about 4:15 pm when the sharks attacked him, said Bureau Chief Doug Killane of Martin County Fire-Rescue. Thousand sharks have been spotted off the Florida coast in recent days, leading to the closure of beaches.”

Farmer built castle in secret behind bales of hay : “A British farmer who secretly built a castle and lived in it for four years while hiding it behind a wall of hay bales lost a bid today to save it from demolition. A High Court judge ruled that Robert Fidler, 60, who sneakily built the luxury home – complete with ramparts and a cannon – deceived the local planning authority and was not entitled to benefit from the deception. The Sun reports Mr Fidler, 60, from Surrey in southwest England, hoped to get another chance at gaining planning permission to keep his dream home. He moved into the massive castle with his wife Linda and their son Harry in 2002 and successfully hid it from local authorities for four years by stacking up straw bales. He took away the bales in May 2006 because he thought that after four years, his new home was immune from planning enforcement controls. But the local council issued a notice in March 2007 requiring that it be demolished on the grounds that the building was erected without planning permission.”

Stab victim didn’t notice blade in neck : “A mugging victim who did not realise she was stabbed walked calmly home after the attack with a knife in her neck and a bloody back. Julia Popova, 22, was knifed by a mugger on her way home from work in the Russian capital of Moscow. Incredibly, she failed to notice the injury and, despite blood pouring from the wound above her shoulders, managed to calmly stroll to safety. The office worker grappled with her attacker when he snatched her handbag. But she was so shocked by the ordeal she did not know that her assailant buried a kitchen knife in her neck, just fractions from her spinal cord. When Ms Popova got home her horrified parents rushed her to the hospital, where surgeons managed to remove the blade without damaging her spine. “Shock had kicked in and her body prevented her from feeling any pain,” one medic said.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

THE NEWS

Must be over 21 to buy quiche?? British battiness again: “Usually the only thing you need to eat quiche is a hearty appetite. But according to Tesco you should be over 21 too. At least that’s what the checkout cashier told Christine Cuddihy when she took a 51p slice of cheese and onion quiche from the deli to the till. At first, the 24-year-old office worker thought the cashier was joking when she refused to let the sale go through because she ‘looked under 21′. Eventually, as the shoppers queueing behind her grew restless, an embarrassed Miss Cuddihy had to produce her driving licence to prove her age. ‘The girl told me: “You don’t look over 21. I need to see some proof of age”,’ she said. ‘I told her I was certain the proof of age laws do not apply to quiche but she just said: “We have to be really strict now and this applies to quiche bought over the counter”. ‘It was very embarrassing, what on earth is dangerous about a slice of quiche? ‘There was a queue forming behind me so I just showed her my driving licence and rushed out. ‘I was so hungry that I didn’t even bother kicking up a fuss or complaining to the manager. I just wanted the quiche. ‘The irony of the whole thing is that I’ve bought alcohol from there dozens of times without being asked for ID… Yesterday Tesco apologised for the incident.”

Brave Australian tot: “A quick-thinking three-year-old Chelmer girl has amazed her parents by jumping into a pool to save her older brother from drowning. Proud mum Bridget Cullen-Mandikos said her daughter Meghan Mandikos leapt to Daniel’s rescue on Saturday when he slid off the step and into the deep water of the family pool. Daniel, 6, is intellectually disabled and unable to swim well. Meghan immediately sensed he was in danger, screaming his name then jumping in to grab him without hesitating. Mrs Cullen-Mandikos was keen to share the experience with Westside News readers to demonstrate the importance of swimming lessons for children at an early age. Meghan has received swimming instruction since she was an infant. Mrs Cullen-Mandikos said she was keeping an eye on the pair, and her other son Nicholas, 9, from the patio as they swam. “I saw him slip off the step and into the deep water … Meghan reacted before I was able to step around the children’s toys on the patio, open the gate, go down a few steps and pull him out,” she said. “Daniel pulled her under, because he was panicked and I had to pull both shaken children out.” Mrs Cullen-Mandikos said that while Meghan had put herself in danger, she was impressed her daughter knew Daniel was in trouble and that she immediately went to his rescue. “I am very proud of Meghan and amazed that she took the action she did.”

Girl, 14, fights off 5′ shark with bodyboard: “A 14-YEAR-OLD New Zealand girl escaped serious injury in a shark attack by furiously beating the creature about the head with her body board until it let go. Lydia Ward was in waist-deep water near the southern city of Invercargill when the shark lunged at her and wrapped its jaws around her hip. She told Radio New Zealand she bashed the “big, grey, slippery thing” with her polystyrene body board and fled from the water when it let go. “I showed Dad and he didn’t really believe me but then I showed him my wetsuit with all the blood coming out and he believed me,” she told Radio New Zealand. Her mother, Fiona Ward, told the Southland Times that Lydia thought she had stood on the shark before it attacked and that its teeth penetrated her wetsuit and her skin. Lydia required hospital treatment for two of the deeper wounds, however she was not seriously injured, Fiona Ward said. The girl’s brother, who was swimming next to her, estimated the shark was about 1.5m long.” [A polystyrene bodyboard is not a great weapon but it's a good thing that she had something handy]

“Both feet must remain on the dance floor at all times”. How do dance that way?: “Like many educators nationwide, administrators at a Wisconsin high school are aiming to curb risque moves at an upcoming school dance. To assure that Union Grove High School students do not get too footloose, school brass have issued official dance rules for the January 30 winter formal. As seen below, the rules outlaw “sexual bending” and the touching of breasts, buttocks, or genitals. Leg straddling is also verboten. Additionally, students are on notice that “Both feet must remain on the dance floor at all times.” Which appears to rule out performances of the Charleston, Electric Slide, and Cha-Cha. The dance “will be videotaped to insure the safety of all students attending,” the rules note, though Union Grove administrators could presumably review the film for provocative moves that were initially missed by monitors.

Naughty British kid’s game: “A new web craze where young girls make their virtual characters adopt children as fashion accessories has outraged parents’ groups. The controversial My Minx game also sees girls as young as seven giving their characters contraceptives and morning-after pills. Players clothe their virtual minxes in sexy lingerie and other revealing outfits and buy ‘trophy orphans’ – named after children already adopted by celebrities. The adoption clinic in a virtual Style City features girls called Pax and Maddox and a boy named Zahara after Angelina Jolie’s children. The virtual youngsters have the same nationalities as Jolie’s with Maddox, three, said to be Cambodian and a fan of eating cockroaches. The controversial game, by a North London firm, sees players take their minxes binge drinking and clubbing as they try to pull men. Once they have paid the adoption fees, players style their new children in over-the-top designer gear and can then try to sell image rights for them to celebrity magazines. For minxes that succeed in one night stands, there are virtual condoms and morning after pills.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

“Political suicide can end a career.” – John Major

“Suicide is a real threat to health.” – Virginia Bottomley

“Anyone would think we were living on some island somewhere.” – George Walden

“It’s not the future I’m talking about, I’m talking about tomorrow.” – John Gummer

“The trend in the rise in unemployment is downward.” – Gillian Shepherd

“The more important things, are more important, than the less important things.” – Stephen Dorrell

“When the IRA plant such bombs, it proves they can scare people, it proves they can kill people, it proves nothing.” – Peter Bottomley

“We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that… zero must mean plus or minus a few.” – William Waldegrave

“Who Sadam Hussein kills, dies.” – Jeffrey Archer

“There’s no smoke without mud being flung around.” – Edwina Currie

“I will never forget the 1981, or was it 1982? honours list.” – Julian Critchley

“All those people who say that there will never be a Single European Currency are trying to forecast history.” – Kenneth Clark

“The British public sees with blinding clarity.” – Michael Heseltine

“You know what they say, don’t get mad, get angry.” – Edwina Currie

“We are not wholly an island, except geographically.” – John Major

THE NEWS

iPad already an engine, PDA and bra: “Apple’s new tablet PC is not the first product to be called the “iPad”. Japan’s Fujitsu says it launched one years ago, and the name has also been used for small engines and even bra inserts. Apple could have a trademark dispute on its hands. Fujitsu said its US subsidiary in 2002 launched the iPad, a sleek handheld multimedia device with a 3.5-inch screen, used by shop workers to keep inventory data, scan barcodes and manage business operations. Fujitsu’s device has an Intel processor and a Microsoft operating system and supports both Wi-fi and Bluetooth connections. In 2003, Fujitsu’s US arm made a trademark application for the iPad name with the US Patent and Trademark Office, which is still pending and not yet registered, said Fujitsu spokesman Masao Sakamoto in Tokyo.”

Machine washes Muslims, recites Koran: “A Malatsian company has invented a machine it said would help Muslims purify themselves before prayers without excessively wasting water. The ornate machine comes with automatic sensors and basins to curb water usage during “wudu”, an Arabic word used to describe the act of washing the face, arms and legs before prayers. The device, which also emits recorded Koranic verses and is 1.65m tall, only uses 1.3 litres of water compared to the conventional methods, which usually involve leaving taps running for the duration of the washing ritual, which can last for several minutes, AACE Chairman Anthony Gomez said. The wudu, or ablution, rite precedes the five daily prayers Muslims are obligated to perform. There are more than 1.7 billion Muslims in the world, with the majority in Africa and the Middle East where water supplies are scarce.”

Scientists discovers why the cowboy who draws first also dies: When physicist Niels Bohr watched westerns, he noticed that the cowboy who drew his gun first and so had an advantage, was often the one shot. The Nobel laureate’s favoured solution to his “gunslinger’s paradox” has now been confirmed in part: people move faster when reacting than when they initiate the same actions. Such reactive responses are about 21 milliseconds quicker than planned actions, according to research. It means that the gunslinger who draws last, draws faster. But it does not mean that you should wait for your opponent to move first. While drawing and shooting might take less time, any advantage is lost by the 200 milliseconds it takes the brain to notice that the enemy has gone for his gun.” [Does this guy think that Hollywood reflects reality??]

Australia’s wild North again: Wild buffalo does laps in man’s backyard pool: A water buffalo, living up to its name, has left a Darwin man gobsmacked when he found the wild beast doing laps in his backyard spa pool. Karl Stowers, 47, of Howard Springs, said he had just mowed the lawn and cleaned the pool when the bustling buff walked up his driveway. “The buffalo just walked in as if he owned the place,” Mr Stowers told The Northern Territory News. “He walked up the driveway – quite casual, as if he was going home – saw me, didn’t care and went straight for the pool. “I thought ‘No no no, don’t you go in there’, and went inside the house to grab a camera.” Sure enough, when Mr Stowers returned to the backyard with the camera, he found the 400kg animal doing laps in his pool.”

Australia’s wild North again: Man gets rough revenge on insurance office: “At least six people have been injured after a man wheeled a shopping trolley into an insurance office in central Darwin, and ignited flammable material. Police said courageous bystanders helped pull injured people from the Territory Insurance Office (TIO) in the centre of the city at 11am (1.30pm AEDT) today. One of the injured, a policeman, was believed to have been involved in rescuing people from the incident. Ambulances took the injured to Royal Darwin Hospital, where their conditions were being assessed. Police Commander Rob Kendrick said soon after the explosion, a man surrendered himself at the nearby Darwin Police Station. He said the man was undergoing questioning. The office of the TIO, the Northern Territory’s biggest insurer, is located adjacent to a Woolworths supermarket”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

In the recent Massachusetts Senate campaign, the successful Republican contender, Scott Brown, was said by some to have gained an edge because of his good looks. Below (on the right, appropriately) is the conservative contender, Tony Abbott, for the job of Prime Minister of Australia in this year’s election. He has been criticized for his brief swimwear but such swimwear is customary among men of his generation. He does have majority support among women in the polls.

THE NEWS

Help, there’s a body in the home I’m robbing: “A Berlin burglar’s break-in took an unexpected turn when he stumbled upon a corpse and felt compelled to call the police. “He called to say he’d just broken into a flat and found a dead body,” said a spokeswoman for Berlin police Thursday. “He gave the address of the place and then hung up.” Officers discovered the 64-year-old resident of the flat dead in his bedroom. The man had passed away about two weeks ago, and authorities are not treating the death as suspicious. The burglar has not been heard of since. Local media said he fled the apartment empty-handed, but police could not confirm this.”

German police fatally run over dog, bill owner: “A German woman has hired a lawyer after being shocked to discover that not only did police deliberately run over her beloved dog, they have now sent her a hefty bill. Robby, a nine-year-old Australian Shepherd, ran away on December 31 after being terrified by fireworks, and made it onto a nearby motorway, her owner Heidi Schwank, 65, told the Bild daily newspaper. “A day after New Year’s, the police phoned me and said that my Robby had been run over on the motorway … The police claimed that a motorist had hit and killed Robby,” Ms Schwank said, photographed clutching his picture. But it turned out that it was the police who had killed Robby after four officers in two police cars spent over an hour getting cars on the A1 autobahn near Hamburg to slow down while they tried, unsuccessfully, to capture him. Neutralising Robby caused damage of over €2500 ($3500) to a patrol car, costs which Ms Schwank now has to pay.” [Ja, mein Fuehrer!]

Home-made jetpack puts owner in burns ward: “A Michigan man who rigged an explosive backpack for a backyard sledding stunt suffered burns to 18 per cent of his body when it blew up. “Apparently, he has this sledding party every year, and he always does outrageous things at it, but he’s never blown himself up before,” Oakland County Undersheriff Mike McCabe told the paper. The man, whose name was not released, was believed to have constructed the backpack from an old car muffler, which he filled with gasoline and gunpowder, “trying to get a rocket-launch effect”, Mr McCabe said. “He asked another person to light a wick and then began to sled down a hill. “At some point during the ride, the device exploded.” The man, who suffered second-degree burns to his face and the right side of his body, was in hospital in a stable condition yesterday.”

Fatty dies from walking uphill: “A 31-year-old man has collapsed and died while walking up the gruelling goat track on Townsville’s Castle Hill. The man, who weighed more than 120kg [264 lb], was with his father when he started suffering chest pains and vomiting. The Queensland Ambulance Service attended and paramedics were able to resuscitate the man a number of times before he was declared dead. Paramedics were unable to stretcher him off the hill and police guarded his body until a rescue helicopter was able to airlift him off this morning. Police said the goat track was a very challenging walk and urged people to consider their health and fitness before attempting it.”

Savage beagles terrorize Long Island: “A plague of vicious wild beagles has struck Long Island! These floppy-eared terrors are no lovable Snoopys — they’re abandoned hunting dogs that live in packs and have gone from humble pets to hounds from hell. Mattituck resident Dot Faszczewski came face to face with the canine menace two weeks ago, when she was set upon by a group of crazed, hungry beagles as she walked her pet dogs near her parents’ Orient Point home. She said it was like a scene from a werewolf movie. “They were barking so ferociously that I thought they were going to attack my dogs,” she said of the Jan. 16 scare. Her dogs — who are much bigger than beagles — were too scared to even bark back. “I grabbed the two dogs and ran inside,” she said. “I just closed the door when they jumped at the door, and they broke that aluminum portion underneath.” The attack happened in a flash. It was only when the 61-year-old dog lover was safely inside that she made the shocking realization her howling attackers weren’t coyotes or Rottweilers, but were three frothing, short-legged, brown-and-white beagles. The angry beagles that attacked Faszczewski are part of a huge community of feral beagles that roams the woods and fields of eastern Long Island after being abandoned by hunters who used them to track down rabbits.”

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey..

Oprah asked,’ Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.’

Mr. Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’

Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’

George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’

Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?’

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.’

George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first time.’

Oprah said, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’!

George said, ‘Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time… At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’

George said that the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.’

Oprah said, ‘Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’

George said, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!’

THE NEWS

After three years, dad realises only one twin is his: “A Turkish man has decided to divorce his wife after DNA tests showed he was the father of only one of their twin boys. The Turkish daily newspaper Sabah reported the security guard from Istanbul, identified only as A.K., had DNA tests done on the three-year-olds after becoming suspicious his wife had been unfaithful. The tests established with a 99.99 per cent certainty that the man was the father of only one of the boys, adding that the result was confirmed by a forensic medicine institute upon the request of the court handling the divorce case. The mother, identified as C.K., had maintained a relationship with a lover she had dated before her family forced her to marry A.K., the newspaper said. The phenomenon of twins with different fathers – known as heteropaternal superfecundation – is very rare in humans but more common in animals such as cats and dogs. It becomes possible in rare circumstances when a woman produces two ova in a menstrual cycle”

19th century British clock still working fine: “The town hall clock in Manchester has been given a clean bill of health after its annual service. The 131-year-old timepiece was cleaned and checked by experts who judged it to be in excellent condition. Andy Haymes, technical manager at Manchester town hall, said: “We were really pleased to get a clean bill of health — a couple of minor alterations need doing to the clock panels but it is nothing major.” The tower is 281ft (85m) high and the clock, made by Gillett and Bland, was started on New Year’s Day, 1879. The inscriptions on the clock faces read: “Teach us to number our days.”

Silver coin is oldest Roman money found in Britain: “A slightly worn silver coin dug up in a field is the oldest piece of Roman money found in Britain. It dates from 211BC and was found near the Leicestershire village of Hallaton. One side depicts the goddess Roma, while the mythical twins Castor and Pollux ride galloping horses on the reverse. The coin, a denarius, was identified at Harborough Museum, where it is on display, after it was unearthed in 2000. It may have arrived with an invading Roman soldier after AD43 but some archaeologists speculate that such coins entered Britain before the conquest through trade or diplomacy.”

French justice moves slowly — 10 years to get to court: “US airline Continental and two of its employees go on trial this week for the manslaughter of 113 people who died in a Concorde crash that put an end to the dream of supersonic travel. A former French civil aviation official and two senior members of the Concorde program will be tried on the same charge from Tuesday in a court near Paris, with proceedings expected to last four months. The New York-bound jet crashed in a ball of fire shortly after take-off from Paris Charles de Gaulle airport on July 25, 2000, killing all 109 people on board – most of them Germans – and four hotel workers on the ground. The blazing Concorde demolished an airport hotel when it hurtled to the ground in a crash that marked the beginning of the end for the world’s first – and thus far only – regular supersonic jet service. A French accident inquiry concluded in December 2004 that the Paris disaster was partly caused by a strip of metal that fell on the runway from a Continental Airlines DC-10 plane that took off just before the supersonic jet. The Concorde, most of whose German passengers were due to board a Caribbean cruise ship in New York, ran over the super-hard titanium strip, which shredded one of its tyres, causing a blow-out and sending debris flying into an engine and a fuel tank. Continental is charged over a failure to properly maintain its aircraft”

New Zealand student puts her virginity on sale : “A cash-strapped 19-year-old is offering her virginity “to the highest bidder” to help pay university fees. “Unigirl” is offering up her innocence on the Hamilton-based website ineed.co.nz, the Waikato Times reported. Unigirl said she was attractive, from the upper North Island and desperate for money to pay fees. “I have never had a sexual relationship and am still a virgin,” she says. “I am offering my virginity by tender to the highest bidder as long as all personal safety aspects are observed … ” Website proprietor Ross McKenzie said its policy was that if an ad was legal and not offensive, “it was OK”.

And don’t forget to catch up with all the Strange Justice before you go.

As regular readers here will be well aware, the “formula” for this blog is pictures+jokes+stories+odd news. In the early days of the blog it was a bit different, however. The formula was politics+jokes+stories+odd news. There were very few pictures and when I did come across a fun or interesting picture, I would usually just give a link to where it could be found rather than reproduce it in the body of the blog. Needless to say, most of the links from that time are now “dead” — so anybody browsing through the archives of the blog would have no idea of what picture was being referred to.

My record-keeping is pretty good, however, so I mostly know what picture I was referring to way back then — though there are a few that are “lost” forever. I have therefore gone through the archives and placed in the body of the blog whatever picture I was referring to back then. The result is accessible here or here.

The most amusing to me of the “rescued” pix is here (backup here — See post of Feb. 2). It doesn’t seem to be anywhere else on the web so I am glad to make it available again.